Then There Were Three...

Louise and Bubbles were laid off this week. That leaves Me, Lulu, Thelma and the GM's secretary to do all the office grunge work.

I'm actually sort of relieved.. I knew it was coming but I wasn't 100% sure it was going to be Bubbles and not me. She sobbed and asked everyone to pray for her as she left. I told her I was sorry.. and I meant it.

But now... I'm back to full time hours. A full, 40 hour work week is going to feel like double time after working short hours for so long.. and my next paycheck will be my first full pay since my raise went through back in the fall. It's going to feel like Christmas.

I know ya'll are worried about what the heck I'll write about now that Bubbles is gone... but stay tuned. The four of us will have to lean on each other alot to get things done, but I can tell you this for sure.. Lulu and Thelma? Like throwing a pitbull in the room with a rabid wolverine. Things are going to get interesting.

I feel a little guilty that I'm relieved. I know Bubbles is going to have a hard time, I heard her over there making vacation reservations the other day, but maybe this is just something that she's meant to go through.

I dunno. I'm just thankful... overjoyed even.. that today, right now, I still have a job and while I'm sure those who lost theirs feel pretty down, I've got hope for the first time in a while that I'm going to be okay.

Is that warped or what?

Anywho... Ya'll stay tuned. I'll keep you posted.

Later Taters!

Gypsies, Goats and Drama Llamas

Before I begin, I need to thank Marilyn over at The Parks Farm for this award:


I loves me some barnyard critters and coincidentally, the Amazon has suddenly decided she's going to buy a farm and raise goats and chickens, so I see this as a sign from the Universe that I need buy some mud boots and a straw hat.

I could totally rock that look.

In lieu of picking five funny blogs from my list, I encourage all ya'll to browse the sidebar linky list and check out a few... cuz seriously... some of ya'll need to take your act on the road.

And now... on to my senseless blather...

Back when I was barely a teenager, my first taste of real responsibility came when I was offered the job of babysitting my Aunt Rhonda's two girls on Saturday nights. She was the younger, cooler, married-into-the-family aunt, the one who supplemented her waitress job by belly dancing at parties and Parents Without Partners events. She waited tables at the Thalheimers department store restaurant, The Sword and Kilt where.. oddly.. she had to dress as a serving wench, complete with little white bonnet and laced up blouse.. to show off her bosoms... which she was seriously lacking. Now that I think about it, Aunt Rhonda always seemed to be dressed up in some kind of costume.

Anywho.. Aunt Rhonda had that new, wondrous entertainment luxury: cable television. I think we were the last people in the city of Norfolk to get cable, Ma just couldn't wrap her head around having to pay for t.v. I quickly began to look forward to those Saturday nights alone, unsupervised, with HBO and... nekkidness! (and an unprotected cabinet over flowing with liquor, but that's a story for another day.)

I've never forgotten the very first R rated movie I watched on her big, color t.v., with the lights off and a glass of something I wasn't supposed to be drinking. It was "King of the Gypsies," released in 1978, staring Eric Roberts with Brooke Shields, Susan Sarandon, Shelley Winters and just GOBS of other huge stars. I loved that movie and developed a whopper of a crush on Eric Roberts.

My favorite scenes are at the beginning, with dancing in tents, swirling skirts in jewel tones to mandolins and violins... I love that stuff.

I never saw the movie again but I always kept an eye out for it. I don't think it ever came on t.v. and I'm pretty sure no one ever mentioned it. Then... when the Amazon got Netflix, I asked her to look it up. It arrived in our mailbox the other day. I came straight home from work and we sat down to watch it together.

And I still love it.

Ah well.. I'm so glad this week is almost over. I'm fighting the good fight here at the Asylum, trying to keep my fingers in my ears and my head down. We've gotten to the point where the floozy who owns the Grab n' Go (and go and go) is calling up here trying to find out who's getting laid off so she can collect what they owe her and Thelma is blatantly making up shit to tell her, which is getting all over town and putting a wad in everyone's Fruit of the Looms.

Also, it doesn't seem to matter how many times a day I kindly mention to Lulu that I'd really just rather be left out of the loop when the rumors start flying, I was trying to keep a positive outlook, stir up some new business and have faith, she still calls me the minute she hits the door and tells me everything that was said by the gossip mongers across the hall the day before, after I leave for the day.

This morning, after thirty minutes of her talking as hard and as fast as she could, I sort of rudely changed the subject, eventually ending the call, only to have her come over to my cube, lay the daily report on my desk (a report that I RAN by the way.. I already knew what it said) and proceed to tell me how low the numbers were, etc.

Funny how I'm the only one in this whole place that doesn't go to church, yet it seems like I'm the only one trying to hold on to a thread of faith. Maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and go spreading gloom and doom up and down the hall. Is that what they're preachin' these days?

Hmph. It's going to get to a point where I'm going to have to piss people off in order for them to understand that I don't want to follow the herd and wallow in self pity. If that's what it takes, that's what's going to happen.

I'm tired of everyone trying to fart on my happy place.

So there.

It's almost Friday ya'll. Hang in there. We've almost got this one licked.

Later Taters!

Hump it Like Napoleon

Today is going to be a good day because yesterday? Not so much.

By the time three o'clock rolled around, I felt like I'd gone 12 rounds with a cocaine addicted kangaroo.

I've been trying to get credit approved on this one customer for almost two weeks. It's a large distributor in Canada with 15 locations. They are begging to place an order. I finally got fed up with the Big Headed German over in accounting yesterday and went over his fat bulbous head to the corporate credit manager.

Then?

I called Bossman at the trade show this morning and pitched a holy heifer fit. Now he's calling the corporate credit manager.

Heads will roll people. I just hope it doesn't end up being my own.

Seriously? I know the economy is bad. I listen to a loud chorus of "things will only get worse" all day, every day. But ya know what? Sitting around with our thumbs up our asses, using the economy as an excuse isn't going to make things any better. We're going to have to stop whining and get scrappy.

Deep breath... exhale slowly... moving on...

At the grocery store the other day, the Amazon picked up a container of humus and tossed it in the cart. This may or may not have caused me to break out into song, my rendition of "My humus.. My humus.. my lovely lady humus," complete with Napoleon Dynamite inspired dance moves.

I think the Amazon has formally disowned me.

Anywho... it's Hump Day people. I'll leave you with this so you can hump it like Napoleon:

Dogs in Trees and Being Germaphobic

It's Monday ya'll. Let the games begin!

I'm tired as all get out this morning. I worked on the carpet some more yesterday and as ya'll probably know by now, I'm allergic to physical labor.

Is it sad that I keep turning the big overhead light on in the living room to better gaze upon the rich, green cleanliness of the floor?

Anywho...

Here at the Asylum, PG's cellphone is ringing loudly, echoing through the office while Lulu has her granny panties in a wad over something, running up and down the hall like the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Across the hall, Louise is either late or not coming in at all... we're not sure yet.

Oh great... and I've just been informed that PG is infected with the double barrelled intestinal puke n' shoot. Gross.

Ya'll will probably find me later, hunkered down in the corner, wearing an old surgical mask, complete with splatter shield, (a leftover from my EMT days) spraying everyone who comes in hacking range with the pseudo Lysol, the smell of Moonlight Path scented antibacterial gel oozing from my pores.

I don't have time to get sick ya'll.

Frog Pond Holler lost a much loved citizen this weekend. Charlie was one of the first people I met when I came to work at the Asylum. He'd be here, pushing a twenty year old vacuum cleaner around the office every morning when I came in. When he'd make his way to my cubey, he'd always peek in and say, "Hey good lookin'!" which always made me smile, even though Lulu was always quick to point out that he was legally blind.

It didn't stop him from driving around town in his little maroon Pinto though, poking along at 15 miles an hour.

It was Charlie who recently spotted a bear climbing up an apple tree, smack dab in the middle of town, causing a great debate over his ability to see, speculation that it was really a big black dog and resulting in the argument that if it was indeed a dog, then it would still be quite a spectacle if, indeed the dog had climbed an apple tree.

Rumor has it that Charlie was a ladies man in his hay day and even in his advanced years, he still had a small harem of little old women who'd take in his laundry, do his shopping and make sure he was taken care of.

The Amazon told me Charlie had died at the nursing home Saturday night. I'm gonna miss the old feller.

Ya'll take this Monday by the cajones and make it squeal like a pig.

Later Taters!

Coupons, Cars and Feeling Faint

Let's jump right in and get caught up, shall we?

It's been a craptacular week here in the holler. I've been feelin' kinda puny, but trying to soldier on through the fog and get things accomplished. It's been a week of the freaky fevers, the cold chills and general malaise, but I had the brand new experience of damned near passing out while sitting at my desk.

I'm gonna need for that to never happen again. I didn't like it one bit. No. Sir. Ree.

I can see getting the head spinning, fading fast feeling after say... running a marathon or slaying dragons but seriously? Sitting?

Not too cool.

Anywho...

Remember the car dealership from last weekend? Well... the salesman called my cell phone Wednesday night and left a message for me to call him. He said he had some good news for me. I ignored it. Then yesterday morning I had a missed call, also from the dealership. I keep my cellphone ringer off while I'm at work, lest I be the one they decide to make an example of if it goes off.

So anyways... then he calls me at work. He's all "Oh HI!" and tells me he called the Amazon and woke her up, he even injected a little "bless her heart" and proceeded to tell me they had some good news about the SUV she test drove. After he finished feeding me his bullshit trying to lure us back in, I told him that to be perfectly honest, I didn't like the way they did business, that I felt that they were manipulative and dishonest and we weren't interested in doing business with them.

I may or may not have actually been that polite. I think I even called him a lying son of a something or another... whatever... point being that I told him not to call me again.

I went home at lunch and told the Amazon what had happened and found out that she'd already told him she wasn't interested in buying a car at all right now, which just pissed me off all over again... but I let it slide.

But then?

Then?

Tanya, the loan flunky, called both our cellphones and left messages for us while, luckily for us all, the Frog Pond Holler cell tower happened to be down. I say luckily because if I'd gotten that call while I was still at work and used that word that sounds alot like "ducking" and inserted a few "morons" and "idiots" in there as well, I probably would have gotten fired for a whole list of crap other than just using my cellphone on company time.

The Amazon has seen the light and decided to wait a while before car shopping again. She's going to squirrel away a little more to put down so I've got some time to recover from this last ordeal before we start over again.

Moving on...

I went triple coupon grocery shopping this morning. I saved almost $30 and got a few things for free by combining coupons with sale items. I know it's all in my head, but after I get home and go over the receipt, I feel like, in some small way, I'm beating the system.

Hang in there ya'll. Try to stay positive and find the bright side.. and all that jazz. Remember, the sun is always shining behind the clouds.

Later Taters!

She's Always Been a Little Off

I've been trying to write this for an hour and a half. Every time I start, someone stops by the cubey wanting to talk. It's almost time for Miss Bubbaliciousness to get here and I've not accomplished a damn thing.

I think I made Ma mad last night. I got home a little after three, rested a bit then set about moving furniture around so I could clean the carpet. As I stood there in the living room, running the carpet steamer over an old Coca-Cola stain about 86 times, still wearing the heavy sweatshirt I wore to work, with the heat cranked up to the Hellfire and Damnation setting, Ma came in and said, "When you finish that, I need you to run to Lowes."

I'd like to remind ya'll that Lowes is about 45 minutes away. It's not really a "run to" kinda trip.

She was oblivious to the fact that I was all sweaty, with my hair in a serious state of disarray and that I probably smelled of old dog pee carpet juice. She didn't concern herself with the fact that I'd crammed 8 hours of work in to 6 hours, then came home and started in on the carpet.

No. She just wanted me to drop everything and "run" to Lowes.

Now... I wish I was one of those saintly daughters with unlimited stores of patience, who can just overlook the intermittent craziness of their mothers, laugh it off and move on. But I'm just not. I got a little pissy and I may or may not have threatened to give her a new hairdo with the carpet steamer.

Her disappointment in my ability to provide for her was compounded by my forgetting to bring home a copy of the Hee-Haw county weekly paper.

It was an afternoon of "Oh how thee sucketh.. Let us count the ways!"

Today is a new day, right? And more importantly, tomorrow is Friday. Hang in there ya'll.

Later Taters!

Simple Pleasures and Git R' Done

We woke up to an inch or two of snow blanketing the holler this morning. It's so pretty to look at, although it's colder than penguin snot outside. I'm totally violating the dress code today with my big white Adidas, but seeing how our company won't spring for a bag of rock salt for the parking lot, I'd rather take my chances with the GM than risk busting my delicate little bootay hiking across the frozen tundra.

About a month ago, Bossman warned Bubbles and I that January first would mark a new beginning. I thought he was turning over a new leaf, getting an attitude adjustment, looking on the bright side.

But no.

He went on to explain that the new year would bring his new "reign of terror." He said he was doing things his way... no more Mr. Nice Guy (cue Alice Cooper.) I was like... nice guy? You? That must have been only happening on my Monday's off because seriously? Bossman makes the troll under the bridge in "Three Billy Goats Gruff" seem like the Dalai Lama.

Now, almost three weeks into January, he seems to be holding to his promise. He barks and growls and practices general assholery on a daily basis while I'm walking around trying to keep a positive outlook, muttering new agey, self help phrases to myself.

He's not making it easy.

It probably doesn't help that while we're in the midst of job cuts, held raises and idle threats, he totalled the company car the other day.

Meanwhile, back at the trailer I gave the new carpet steamer a test run yesterday. We have this one big spot right in front of the fireplace that all our critters past and present have gravitated to in the middle of the night when nature calls... if you get my drift. For years I've gotten on my hands and knees scrubbing it with pet stain remover and died a little inside from embarrassment whenever anyone has come over.

As of last night, the stain was mostly gone. The new steamer rocks.

Little things make me happy.

Anywho... as I move throughout the day, selling boring manufacturing equipment, scraping change and tip toeing through the snow in the parking lot, I'll be smiling. I've been anticipating this day since November. It's time to roll up our sleeves, put on our grown up bloomers and work together.

We can do this. Oh hell yes we can.

Later Taters!

Adventures in Shopping

Just for the record, I'd rather have my eyeballs snatched from their sockets, used as ping pong balls in a Taiwanese table tennis competition, then roughly shoved up the ass of a flatulent sow, before being removed, thrown angrily against a spackled wall and being pushed back into their original resting place..

...than go car shopping.

Yesterday, the Amazon witnessed the full Used Car Salesman performance, one not quite worthy of a Grammy, but a rite of passage nonetheless. They pulled every trick in the book, right down to taking my drivers license to the mysterious back room to make a copy and conveniently forgetting to return it each time I asked. We were there for two hours. We bought nothing.

I won't go into all the gory details of the enormous piles of bull crap we endured, because seriously? I don't think ya'll would believe me anyway. What it all came down to was, they didn't have anything on the lot the Amazon could afford, but they were certain they were going to talk her in to a much bigger payment than what she could handle. They even offered begged her to take the shiny SUV home for the weekend. The one with payments $50 beyond what she could swing.

I have no patience for this crap.

I think the Amazon has decided to try to save up a little more cash so she'll have more to put down and to give her more wiggle room. In the mean time, I'm trying to score some Valium before we go car shopping again.

Moving on...

After our descent in to hell car shopping experience, I made a run by the World o' Wally, home of the smiley, to get the carpet steamer I've been planning to buy. Back before Christmas, the GM told me I could spend an extra $150 on Christmas because he'd just signed off on three months worth of bonuses. We get $50 a month from our One Big Customer if our ratio of monthly sales to returns falls within their criteria and we were a couple of months behind. We were supposed to get the extra pay the first of January, but apparently the Big Headed German over in accounting couldn't get his dainty little butt in gear in time. It's a good thing I didn't rush right out and blow money I didn't have.

Anywho... so I went to Wal-Mart to buy the spiffy new Bissell Quick Steamer and a few groceries, but that place was INSANE. I bought the steamer, a ginormous bag of dog food and some sandwich meat and got the hell out of there.

On a side note, I find it hilarious that Wal-Mart is always packed with gatherers yet every third one you come in a hair of running over when you round the corner too fast is saying, "I hate this (insert four letter word here) place!"

As we left, I told the Amazon I'd wait and go to the less hectic Wallyworld over in Scary Hillbilly Town later this week. I didn't have my coupons with me and honestly, even if I did, I probably would have been trampled to death by angry shoppers while standing in the aisle trying to calculate the best coupon deal on peanut butter. So you can imagine my absolute ELATION when I opened the grocery store ad this morning to discover that, once again, it's TRIPLE COUPON WEEK!!

My screams of joy could be heard from as far away as Chattanooga.

And yes, I realize how tragically sad it is that triple coupon week makes me this giddy.

I don't have any grand plans for today. Yesterday's adventure has me feeling like poop on a pickle. I'll probably wash some clothes and fill the dishwasher, but it'll be done at a leisurely pace. Besides... we've got free HBO and Cinemax this weekend. I'll save breaking the new steamer in for another day.

Ya'll enjoy the rest of your weekend. I'll be here enjoying the peace and quiet.

Later Taters!

Chilly Toes and Catching Up

It was 4° in the holler this morning. FOUR. And I had the bright idea to run outside to fire up the truck in bedroom slippers. My toes may never forgive me.

I've been busier than the lunch lady on pizza day here at the Asylum. I've done more quotes, answered more phone calls and set up more new accounts in the first two weeks of January than I did in all of December. Most of the inquiries and orders are coming in from Canada which I suspect is a direct result of the mass mailings I did back in November. I hope this means things are looking up.

My new hours have taken some getting used to. I'm not getting crap loads of housework done like I'd hoped I would, but I am getting to watch alot of "Ellen" and "Oprah." I've used the time to work on Twistedmare some, changing descriptions and tweaking here and there, but after multitasking well beyond my brain's capabilities for a day, I usually just have to zone out for a while when I get home.

While I've not yet been informed of all my weekend plans, I do plan on going to The World O' Wally for a few groceries and to purchase me, myself and I a spiffy new carpet cleaner. It's an upright but it's small and perfect for trailer sized rooms. The carpet carnage resulting from years of furbaby ailments and indiscretions has gone beyond what I can remove on my hands and knees with a can of spray cleaner. The Crock Pot I promised myself for Christmas can wait another week or two.

I'll also be picking up this months order from Angel Food Ministries tonight. It's a great way to stretch your food dollars and you're helping out a good cause.

Anywho.. I'd better get back to work. I've got a stack of data entry to do. Ya'll have a great Friday, we'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Murderous Thoughts, the FBI and Why I'm a Rock Star

In my attempt to be a kinder, more spiritually evolved being, I've been been making an attempt to be nicer to Bubbles. The fact that we now spend a grand total of three hours a day together has helped matters, but I don't mind telling you that when she started smacking that chewing gum yesterday afternoon, it took all the self control I could muster to keep from leaping over the cubicle wall, all silent and ninja-like, wrapping my chubby little fingers around her neck and choking the snot out of her.

Not that I have violent tendencies or anything.

And seriously? If you're only working six hours a day and the GM is watching every move you make, would you take a long break in the afternoon to go on a nature walk with the GM's secretary?

Really?

*Deep breath... exhale slowly... moving on*

Ya'll will be glad to know I de-clogged the backed up sink Sunday night. I only plunged for about a half an hour, alternating between each side, before the non-inbred part of my brain kicked in and I realized I needed to block off one side in order to do any good.

I'm slow.. but I do catch on eventually.

Afterwards, it dawned on me that the clog might be the reason the dishwasher leaked water all over the kitchen the other day, not a busted pipe. So I tried it and there was no leak.

So yeah.. I'm feeling like a Home Repair Rock Star right about now.

Did ya'll see where the FBI is filling a bunch of job positions? I was all over their website, praying that there was a field office over in Big City, but unfortunately the closest one is in Knoxville, with another in Charlotte.

Seriously.. I would have applied.

Do you ever watch "Criminal Minds?" You know the character Garcia? I'd love to be her. While it's true that I don't posses her haxor skizzles, I love digging up dirt on people on the web. Just ask the Lyin' Assed Canadian. If it's out there.. I'll find it. Oh yeah and like Garcia, I could go for a sexy man with twinkling eyes calling me "Babygirl" whenever he needed information... just sayin'.

Anywho.. it's almost time for my cud chewing co-worker Bubbles to come in. I'm going to go say a silent prayer for the strength to keep from slapping her upside the head with Desk Monkey find peace.

Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!

Donuts Make It All Better

It's cool and rainy in the holler this morning. Here at the trailer, one side of the sink is full of dirty dishes, the other side is stopped up with God knows what and I've got at least one load of laundry I need to be doing.

I don't plan on doing any of it.

Yesterday's marathon shopping trip to Big City didn't produce a new car for the Amazon. Would you believe that as desperate as all the used car dealers supposedly are to sell something, all but one was closed by 3:15 p.m? If my bread and butter was moving used cars, I'd at least be open until nightfall... wouldn't you think? We did find signs of life at one lot, but it was too high dollar for the Amazon's budget. She did find two possibilities at one of the closed ones. There will be phone calls Monday morning to find out when they're open or to set up an appointment or whatever the hell you have to do to see a salesperson on SATURDAY for gawdsake.

While we were in Big City, we stopped at Krispy Kreme (per Ma's request) and discovered we had a coupon. Colored sprinkles and cream cheese filling makes car shopping disappointments go away... especially with a half price deal. After that, I took the Amazon to the killer used book store I heard about from a Big City Plurk buddy, where she bought stuff written in Japanese and comic books (she's such a nerd) then to the A.C. Moore so I could watch her eyes glaze over and drool form in the corner of her mouth when she witnessed the awesometastic yarn selection.

Yeah.. the Amazon is one of those knitters.

While standing in the checkout line, the lady with an armload of yarn behind us handed the Amazon a 50% off coupon. She said she always prints two and gives one away. I thought that was a pretty cool thing to do.

After that, we went and hung out at the Tractor Supply and picked up some bedding chips for Ozzy's pen. I checked out the truck tool boxes while I was there... because apparently I'm becoming like... a redneck woman and have found myself admiring truck toys lately.

I'm a little afraid.

Maybe I need a vacation.

In the meantime, I think I'll go relax a bit and enjoy the quiet. After I plunge the sink. And toss some clothes in the washer.

Ya'll enjoy the rest of your weekend. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Hot Wheels and How I Unwind

My full time job has been cut to 30 hours a week. I've got a house payment, a truck payment and my shop sales are still on the puny side. So what are we going to do this Saturday afternoon?

We're going car shopping.

Oh yeah.. I know how to live on the edge.

The Amazon is hell bent on buying a car today and I've had it up to my nose hairs with trying to be the voice of reason, so if and when she ever drags her lazy keister out of bed awakens from her peaceful slumber, I reckon we'll be hitting the Big City car lots. I imagine I'll be popping Valium and swiggin' a wine cooler by nightfall.

Ya'll keep your fingers crossed, pray or run out in the woods to perform the Pagan ritual of your choice for me that things will go well. I'd rather have a tooth pulled than shop for vehicles.

Moving on...

Born in the mid late sixties, I was part of the latchkey kid generation. By the fourth grade I was going to school with a house key on a string hanging around my neck, like most of my friends. We'd come home in the afternoons, let ourselves in, call Mom at work to let her know we hadn't been abducted on the way home, then raid the kitchen for junk food. We were under strict instructions not to go outside or have anyone over, so most of the afternoon was spent parked in front of the television.

I blame those years for the way television has become such a part of my life today. As long as someone is awake, it's usually on, but mostly just in the background. It's unusual for me to find the time (or the attention span) to sit down and actually watch anything in it's entirety anymore. I was thinking about this the other day when I decided to keep a log for one week of shows I actually sit down and devote my undivided attention to on the boob tube.

The following list isn't in any particular order, I didn't keep track of times or channels.

Sanford & Son This was one of those shows from my childhood that I quote often, cracking myself up, although no one around me seems to know what the hell I'm talking about, so I just end up looking a little insane ("IT'S THE BIG ONE ELIZABETH!!!") In this episode, Aunt Esther was entering a beauty contest, coached by Fred. They performed together in the talent portion, giving us a peek into Redd Foxx's other talents.

VH1's 100 Greatest Hard Rock Songs Ronnie James Dio, Ozzy, Ratt and be still my heart... David Coverdale, slinging their AquaNet coiffed heads to and fro to gut rumbling bass beats and axe burning guitar riffs. And ya'll know how I feel about men in spandex and black eyeliner. Nuff said.

The Children's Hour Holy monkey toes Batman! Who knew they were making racy movies like this back in 1961?? An evil little spawn named Mary spreads rumors of lesbianesque frolicking by two boarding school teachers, leading to the eventual demise of the school. Of course, none of it's true.. or is it?

Run's House As a rule, I don't like "reality" shows, but this is an exception. It's obvious that a lot of this is staged, but I can't help but love this family. My favorite episode so far? When Kid Rock sneaks a Hooter's bumper sticker on the Rev's prized car.

The Big Bang Theory Currently, this is my one, can not miss, I don't care if it's a rerun, I love it to pieces show. Monday nights, CBS. If there is one iota of geekness coursing through your blood, if you're married to someone even slightly nerdy or if you spend any time at all on social networking sites, you'll get humor of this show.

The Ellen Degeneres Show Now that I'm getting off work at three every day, I get home in time to enjoy a little day time television. I'm cheating a little with this entry, I didn't watch the entire show on this particular day, I tuned in to catch an interview with Depak Chopra.

Dreaming of Tibet A great documentary airing on LinkTv about Tibetans fleeing their homeland to escape the oppression of the Chinese government. When you can't afford to get your nails done or the new soccer shoes you need for Little Precious are putting a strain on your wallet, spend some time watching this little film. You'll have a new perspective.

My Name is Earl If they made a show about the people of Frog Pond Holler, this would be it, only the holler is way smaller. It's just funny. Lulu's favorite character is Joy and I have to agree. She makes the show.

There you have a roundup of the shows I found interesting enough to sit down and unwind with this week. Did I miss anything really juicy? Let me know your faves in the comments.

And now.. I'm heading out to Big City. Wish me luck.

Later Taters!

Fried Cuisine and Rising Water

Lawd ya'll, this new schedule has me all screwed up. You'd think with two extra "free" hours in the day I'd be getting all kindsa stuff done. Instead, I have to busta move to get things done in six hours at work, then I go home and I'm at a loss for what to do with myself.

Oh and for the record.. I was here a good 15 minutes this morning before I had already mouthed off to the GM.

The weather's been all kittywampus in the holler the past few days. Last night it snowed and rained ... then snowed.. all evening. This morning the creek's way up and the frog pond over on the vacant lot is oozing out of it's banks. We're still waiting for winter to take hold, the freezing temperatures have been coming in 24 hour spurts before warming back up to the forties and fifties.

I was discussing the weird weather with Buster the other day when he stopped by my cube. We're both in agreement that snakes are going to be crawlin' worse than usual this summer. Buster says they're good eatin' and that we need to capitalize on the tourist trade by opening up a roadside stand, sellin' fried ratt'ler on a stick. He said, "Them tourists would be all over that, like white on rice!"

I pointed out to him that while we do have rattlesnakes here, copperheads and black snakes are more common... and weren't the rattlesnakes a protected species? He said, "Onced you fried up some copperhead and slapped a little Texas Pete on thar, ain't nobuddy gonna know it ain't ratt'ler!"

By the time he got through talking about it, I could feel the hives popping out around my ankles. Too much snake talk does that to me.

Anywho, I'd better get back to work. Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!


P.S. Check out my newest design:

My Inner Peace is Imploding

First things first... I did not get laid off and neither did Bubbles. Our hours were cut a little more when we went from working four days a week, to working five six hour days. Not too bad in the grand scheme of things and I can make up the difference with vacation hours.. for a while.

By the time I left here yesterday I was all in a tizzy. The GM pissed me off royal and I came in a hair of mouthing off and probably getting fired. Call me crazy, but I just don't take too kindly to being called down in the hall like a five year old the ONE time I leave my desk all day, when "others" are flitting around all over the plant with their noses up Tiny's big ol' butt.

He points to my cube and says, "Git back in there and get on that damned phone and get some sales!"

To which I responded, grinning, "Oh no worries, I've booked mega bucks today!"

"I don't care what you booked, it's not enough, get back to work," he grumbled, pointing at my cubey like it was my cage.

Now... I booked 72K yesterday. 20K is a "good" day. Lulu takes two breaks every day to go walking up and down the hill, once in the morning, once in the afternoon. Bubbles is always everywhere but at her desk and Thelma (and the GM) take multiple smoke breaks throughout the day.

I leave my desk to go potty and to go check the fax machine for orders. I don't take any other "breaks." Obviously... having booked 72K.. I was at my desk working most of the day.

Sorry.. it just rubbed me all kindsa wrong. Oh and then? I went back to the printer to pick up a report and spotted that sumbitch playing SOLITAIRE on his computer.

WTF?

Yeah... the kinder, gentler Mahala had to take a back seat yesterday.

Anywho... so now I'm working 8-3 Monday through Friday and Bubbles is working 10-5. It's going to be nice getting home earlier in the afternoon, we'll see how it goes. Worse case scenario, I'll find something part time at night for the time being.

For now, I'm trying to just "Let go and let God." And not punch the GM in the kneecaps.

Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!

French Tips, Dead Things and Edward, Eddy and Eddie

It was unseasonably warm here in the holler today, I even turned on the a.c. in the truck on the way to Scary Hillbilly town this afternoon. I needed a prescription from Walgreens and picked up a few other doo-dads while I was there. By the way, ya'll know I have an ongoing mission for the acquisition of fantabulous, hookerlicious, french tipped ho-nails. I've bought every type of "kit" you can think of and it always results in a mess, looking like a five year old got hold of a bottle of White Out. Today I found some of those nail polish sticker thingies for french tips and they totally work.

Okay, so one or two of them might be slightly cockeyed. I'll get better with practice.

Anywho...

It's been a sad weekend for critters of an aquatic nature. I had to flush a froggie, the baby eater, on Saturday. He looked like he got hung up in one of the plants. Poor feller. The other little froggie guy is still kickin', hiding out in the canoe. Then.. yesterday.. I went to feed Gobi, my beta and noticed that he was face down, in a vertical position on the bottom of his bowl. I left him alone for a bit, sometimes betas do weird shit and you think they're dead, although I've never seen one in that position before, but when I went back to check on him last night, he was still there. I'm pretty sure he's done for. I still haven't flushed him.

The two deaths were unrelated. The beta lives in a 2 gallon bowl and the frog is in the aquarium. It's still kinda weird though.

So yesterday morning, I was flipping through the channels, trying to find something to take my mind off of whatever the hell is supposed to happen at work tomorrow and the fact that my bedroom has suddenly turned in to killing fields but there wasn't a mother freakin' thing on the boob tube.

What's the deal with television these days? It used to be free and there was usually something to watch on one of the three or four channels you got with an antenna. Now? You have to pay (at least, out here you do, absolutely NO reception without a dish) and for your money you get 150 channels of infomercials and "reality" shows.

Sorry.. I'm feelin' a little pissy tonight. I'll continue...

So I'm flipping and I happen to spot Jennifer Tilly in 1920's garb having what appears to be a serious conversation with Edward Herrmann in a movie called "The Cat's Meow." Now... I loves me some Jennifer Tilly, in a totally non-lesbian, simple admiration kind of way. She's so beautiful and exotic.. and non-waif looking.. and kicks some serious poker playin' ass. I thought I'd seen just about everything she'd done but I hadn't seen this before.

I noticed the movie was about to go off, so I checked and found that it was coming on again in the afternoon. Yaay.

Satisfied that I had something to look forward to later, I got my big kiester up off the couch and took the Christmas tree down, reboxed the ornaments, pissed the Amazon off, did battle with Ma's closet (no lie people, I should get a medal for that alone) and finished up just in time to settle in with the movie.

So I'm sitting there with no idea what this flick is about, sipping diet orange Sunkist, watching as a fancy car pulls up to a yacht. As I watch, I match the voice-over to the face of the woman in the car and I come to the realization that it's Eddy.. from "Absolutely Fabulous" and I'm all like.. dang! I love her! Then.. a few scenes later, another car pulls up and this guy gets out and I'm all like.. dang.. he looks familiar.. who the hell is that? When a cocky grin forms across his lips and his eyes twinkle.. it hits me and I'm all like.. "well slap my ass and call me Gertrude if that ain't EDDIE IZZARD!"

Whodathunkit?

It was a great little movie, check it out if you haven't already.

Anyhooters...

I guess I should get up from here and go check on the chicken I've got shakin' and bakin', the Amazon will be home from work soon. And I really should go flush Gobi. Here's the trailer for "The Cat's Meow," although I'm probably the only one in the free world who hadn't heard of it before yesterday.

Ya'll have a great week. I'll drop a quickie on you sometime tomorrow to let you know what the big "happening" is (if anything) at the Cubicle Asylum.

Later Taters!

Religion, Politics and Other Touchy Subjects

In an effort to not think about:

#1 The fact that the Amazon is out with Aunt Moses learning to drive a straight shift and

#2 When I called Bossman to find out if I need to work Monday or not, he said, "Yeah, come on in Monday, then I can let you know what's going to happen,"

I've decided to focus on the award I received from MJ at Note to Self:

"The honorees are to: A) first list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! B) pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap."

So here goes:

1. I spend alot of time convincing people that I'm not all about this small town living, but late at night when no one's looking, sometimes I watch the RFD channel. Dude... the original Hee-Haw comes on Sunday nights!

2. People around the holler like to whisper that I'm a lesbian because I speak out about gay rights and I've only had one date in the last ten years. Just for the record.. I'm not. I'm totally all about me some winky action. As a matter of fact, I think that will be my one New Year's goal. Winky action... gettin' some. You heard it here first.

3. I love watching the World Music videos on Link TV.

4. I also like to practice belly dance moves when no one's looking. One of my aunts danced professionally and taught me a few when I was little.

5. On my bedroom bookshelf, there are angels, a Buddha, a wooden box with Romani symbols, a Wiccan star and a cross. There is also a Bible, a copy of the Nag Hammadi and a book detailing the modern lives of Gypsies in the Czeck republic. I've read them all cover to cover. There are more too, but I can't tell you all my secrets. Draw your own conclusions.

6. I can simply imagine myself returning to the beach, sticking my toes in the sand feeling the ebb and flow of the waves tugging at my soul to bring myself to tears. I miss it that much.

7. I grew up in a culturally diverse neighborhood and spent my impressionable, high school years at a mostly black high school (Booker T. Washington High, thankyouverymuch.) For most of my childhood, Ma worked at a small Roses store in downtown Norfolk, where the most of the staff and customers were black. As a result, most of the funerals, weddings and holiday gatherings I attended outside of the family were in the homes and congregations of black people. When you consider that my entire family moved to Norfolk from Frog Pond Holler, bringing their thick, hillbilly accents with them, you'll realize why, when I get all wound up about something or worse, get in a verbal altercation, I revert to an accent that has often been referred to as "ghetto hillbilly."

It's not unlike that of "Joy" on "My Name is Earl."

And yes, I prefer to use the term black, not African American. In the neighborhood where I grew up, if someone referred to any of the sweet little old ladies that lined our street as "African American" they would be quick to point out that they were not born in Africa, they were not "African American," they were AMERICAN. You don't call "white" people "European American" do you?

8. I can't make scratch biscuits or gravy to save my effin' life. The dog won't even touch them. Thank heavens for frozen biscuits and those little packets of instant gravy.

9. Mahala Davis is a pen name. My real name is ridiculously country, having been named after my two grandmothers. I don't care if ya'll know my real name, but can you imagine if someone from town were to stumble across my blog? Heads would roll. Namely... mine.

10. I know the meaning of life. When you brush away all the politics, all the "rules" of religion, all the borders, races and other assorted bull crap... it is simply this: Unconditional Love. When you have mastered that one, simple thing, the rest will all fall in to place and you will know true peace.

So there you have it. I hope I didn't rehash too many things I've already told ya'll in the past. If any of you want to tackle ten things, let me know in the comments and I'll give you a little linky love.

As I write this, I'm trying to psyche myself up to not dwell on what may come on Monday. They laid off 5 people Wednesday, then the GM came by and told me and Bubbles to take today off, so you can see why Bossman's comment when I called him today sorta worried me. I've been walking around muttering, "everything happens for a reason" and "when one door closes, another one opens," etc.

Ya'll have a booty kickin' weekend! We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!