Hearing Voices

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.. a beautiful day for a neighbor.. won't you be mine.. could you be mine? Won't you be.. my neighbor?"

Yes chil'ren, I've finally gone right over the edge, falling off into the abyss of terminal craziness.

I was up and at 'em early Saturday to get Sammy and Ayla to the vet over in Scary Hillbilly Town. While everyone around us was screaming about Snowpacolypse 2010, we just had a little freezing rain here in the holler, so the drive into Tennessee was uneventful.

Once there, I was pleased to find the lobby empty. That almost never happens on Saturdays. After tricking Sammy into the exam room (he's on to them) and Ayla's first offical anal probe (she was not pleased) the vet took Sammy back to get some blood (he had to carry him, he was not going voluntarily) I was left with Ayla in the exam room.

I was sorta thankful, I was having an anxiety fueled perspiration fit, because I'm not dorktastic enough and I have to break out in a sweat for no apparent reason. As I sat there in the quiet room, I tried to tell myself that I had no reason to be leaking all over the place, using every self-calming trick I knew.

Then it happened.

The voices.

Oh. My. Damn. I really am batshit crazy.

I looked around for a radio or something but aside from the laptop across the room, there was nothing the sounds could be coming from. I listened more closely, trying to figure out what they were saying.

"Meck-le-nooooome. Meck-le-nooooome."

What the freckin' hell?

I had seen two old farmer guys come in, the type that look like they only get to town once or twice a month. I thought maybe one of them had a VFD radio or something and that's what I was hearing, but it still didn't make sense.

"Meck-le-noooome."

Wait.. was that coming from my change purse? I'd left my big purse in the truck, carrying only my little mini purse with my check book and cards. I picked it up and found that yes.. that was where the voices were coming from.. or rather.. from my cellphone in the attached case.

I had butt dialed The Amazon.

"CHECK YOUR PHOOOOONE!!!"

I hung up on her when I realized what I'd done. I called her when we got out of there, apparently I'd butt dialed her when I got out of the truck. She'd had me on speaker phone listening to the whole, entire vet visit.

Embarrassing.

Once I got everyone home, we all took a nap. Going to the vet is stressful, yall. Especially when you hear voices.

I tried to go to the dump yesterday, but it was closed. I think they just open whenever the mood strikes. My front porch is piled with trash bags, I'm telling the neighbors I'm going for my second Hillbilly merit badge. Oh and the washer is still out there too.. and an old seat from the van. When you factor in that nice big whiff of sewage you get coming up the front steps.. well.. let's just say we're quickly becoming the nasty people of Frog Pond Holler.

Yesterday I loaded Ayla and a couple of loads of laundry in the truck and headed to the new laundromat. It's not bad actually and more importantly, it was empty. I left Pupzilla in the truck while I got it all going, then took her out for a walk around town. We walked down to the river and nosed around a little, then wandered around the big lawn at the spa before heading down to the post office to check the mail. When we returned to the laundromat, our clothes weren't quite done, so we sat out on the bench and watched traffic go flying by for a bit.

Oh and because I was wearing pants that were just a tad too short and no socks with my tennis shoes (they were all in the wash) everyone I knew drove by and waved.

My intentions were to get my coupons together and go to the grocery store after I got both loads of clothes home and into the dryer, but that didn't happen. By the time I carried two loads of soaking wet clothes from the truck to the house, my back was screaming, "OH MY GAWD YOU DUMBASS!!!"

The grocery store could wait. I told Ma I'd run to the dollar store for come Cokes and something for dinner, so she handed me a list.. because apparently she couldn't hear my back screaming obscenities.

I wallered my big butt back up in the truck and pulled out of the drive, no easy task because our entire yard is filled with mud. I have to use my 4x4 just to make it out to the road. I'm so farkin' redneck. It was dark by then and I spotted two headlights flying up behind me as I pulled out. They were riding my hiney pretty close and it ticked me off, so I just took my foot off the gas. Were I feeling a little pissier, I would have slammed on my brakes, but I felt like being nice.. sorta. I slowed waaay down before I pulled in the dollar store parking lot. Imagine my delight when I discovered it was none other than Bubbles, bringing the whole brood back from Sunday night services.

And? She stopped at the dollar store, parking waaay on the other side of the parking lot, then sending her Bubbahubby inside, who avoided me like the plague.

Heh. He's askeered of me.

Needless to say, I'm plumb tuckered from my weekend adventures. I don't even mind that this morning I was faced with a tub of left over water and assorted filmy substances from T.A.'s shower last night, making it impossible for me to have one before work, or that my hair is doing strange and wondrous things. I'm just thankful I can sit down for a while.

I reckon I should get back to work. I could.. possibly.. get caught up today. We'll see.

Ya'll take care, we'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Of Pupzilla and Bingo Wings

They're calling for more non-specific ... stuff.. to fall out of the sky over Frog Pond Holler this weekend. The general opinion is that we'll get more freezing rain than anything else, but we're right on the rain/snow line so.. who knows what'll happen.

I figure it'll probably be a blizzard, seeing how I have to take Pupzilla and the Boston Baked Beagle to the vet in Scary Hillbilly Town tomorrow morning. Pupzilla needs her incision checked and the Beagle butt's hair is falling out again.

I think I'm gonna make him a full body doggy toupe'.

I'm still convinced he's got mites. If I haul him all the way down there and they give me more antihistamines (they do nothing) ya'll might hear about me on the news.

SCARY HILLBILLY TOWN-A Frog Pond Holler woman was arrested on Saturday when she unleashed her ginormous puppy, dubbed "Pupzilla" by locals, on the employees and patrons of a local veterinary clinic. Cries of, "Oh my goodness look how cute she is," turned to screams of horror as Pupzilla lept on unsuspecting heads, ripping the hair from their scalps and growling like an angry gorilla instead of the 11 week old pup she was.

An eye witness to the carnage had this to say, "The blood.. the hair.. the gut wrenching puppy farts fueled by table scraps of Bojangles chicken.. it was horrible!"

So yeah.. pray for mange treatment or I may have to take up a collection for bail money.

Back at the trailer, our plumbing still isn't fixed. We're having a horrible time getting anyone to come out and take care of it. We've had lots of promises, but no one has shown up yet. It's getting a little smelly.

Guys who do plumbing work tell us they can't because they don't have a backhoe. We found someone with a backhoe who said he'd come dig it up, but he and the plumber/handyman guy can't seem to agree on a time when they're both free.

Here at the Asylum, it's busy ya'll. I've got papers up to my bingo wings and Bossman is back to his perpetually pissed off state of being. It doesn't bother me though, I'm too busy trying not to doze off. My friend FMF has been hanging around a little the past few days, making it hard for me to get anything done. I have a feeling that once I get out of jail get home from taking the furbabies to the vet, I'll sleep the whole weekend away.

After I haul a bunch of stuff to the dump. Oh yeah.. and go to the laundromat. And mop the kitchen.. to remove puppy footprints and other puppy byproducts, which get wiped up yet are still screaming for a good scrubbing. I should probably do my taxes too.

I do hope I get a chance to play in my clay a little this weekend, I've got a few things I'd like to make. I'm not on another big money making scheme by the way. I just like to play in the stuff.

Anywho, it's Friday ya'll. We've almost got this week licked. Hang in there and we'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Weekly Words of Wisdom

Money will not buy happiness, but it can buy lots of alcoholic beverages and batteries.

~Mahala~

Getting Humped in So Many Ways

I'm getting so addle minded, I may end up in the home before Ma does.

I stopped at the dollar store on the way home the other day. I needed a case of bottled water, some extra fixin's for dinner and some pseudo Zyrtec so I could stop coughing my head off every afternoon, promptly at 3 o'clock.

After I did my hunting and gathering, I got in line behind Bubba Joe Bob and Cindy Lou Hoo and waited patiently as they "hey-howdied" every person who came in the front door, distracting them from putting their items on the counter in a timely manner.I did learn a few things while standing there behind them though, like that Cindy Lou Hoo had been putting up backer all day for $8 an hour and that Bubba Joe Bob sure did like that "throw back" Mountain Dew better than the new stuff.

Bubba Joe bob and Cindy Lou Hoo finally got checked out and I slung my ginormous case of spring water on the counter, followed by other assorted goodies. The cashier was a tiny blonde with thick glasses, around the Amazon's age, who always smiles when she sees me coming. I'm never quite sure if she's happy to see me or if she's giving me the "always smile at crazy people" smile.

She rang up my stuff, I swiped my card and then looked at me, smiling, and said, "Oh my! It says it's expired!"

I looked at her, my mouth hanging open, my eyes like saucers and said, "Oh crap.. it's the first isn't it?" The little blonde with the thick glasses nodded. "I've got my new card out in the truck, I'll be back in a second."

I waddled like the wind out to the truck, found my new card, remembered that I'd never activated it, then climbed in the cab and took off for the bank. Driving through town, praying there wasn't a line at the ATM, I nearly took down an ancient forest service volunteer who was shuffling across the street without a care in the world.

You'd think if you were that old, you'd be in a hurry to get somewhere, time being of the essence and all.

There was no line at the ATM, so I scrambled for my new card, ran inside and did a balance inquiry to activate the debit card and was informed by the snotty new ATM that my pin number was incorrect.

I have had the same pin since 1987. I think I probably know it by now.

But then.. I remembered getting something from the bank in the mail.. something about a pin.

CRAP.

I jumped back in the truck, drove home to three very excited dogs (Mommy's Home!!) ignoring them and sitting down to shuffle frantically through the mail, all while rattling off the whole story to T.A who kindly handed me her debit card to go get my $18 worth of junk from the dollar store.

So. Embarrassing.

Then yesterday? Ayla ate my cellphone and I spent the first thirty minutes of my workday trying to stick the big button that controls everything back in the hole it fell out of.

It's gotta get better right?

Heh.

This morning I left my cellphone at home, locked in the bedroom with Ayla. I may or may not have one when I get home at lunch. Then? When I finally did get to work, I got a call from the campground store telling me I left my now activated debit card there when I stopped to get a biscuit.

The home is sounding better and better to me.

Anywho... it's Humpday ya'll. Hump it like a ... wait.. that reminds me. Also? Last night, my sweet little spayed FEMALE puppy took extreme delight in attacking my calf, humping it like a little horndog.

I think I need a vacation.

Ya'll take care. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!!

And In a Flash it Was Gone

Where the crap did my weekend go?

My brain is all cornfuzzled at the moment, for various reasons, so instead of pretending to have the mental stamina to compose complete sentences into anything closely resembling a paragraph, I give you my list of things I learned this weekend:

• When your plumbing borked all to hell, it doesn't matter how many times you clean the affected areas, your house will stink. The six piles of dirtly laundry distributed throughout the house contribute to the aroma. I feel like the greasy people who lived in the trailer park down the road from us when I was shacking up with the ex-con.
• If your sweet, little fuzzball of a puppy starts stealing entire LOGS from the fireplace hearth at 10 weeks old, it's a pretty good indication that she's going to be strong enough to kick your ass.
• Trying to give the puppy a good brush out of her crazy thick coat, so your bed doesn't smell like yard dirt when you get up in the morning (I don't let her sleep on the bed, she just DOES,) is sorta like trying to groom an eight legged drunken grizzly bear.
• When the weather gurus are calling for a major snowstorm and you've got a drawer full of extra batteries and a porch covered with emergency firewood, it's probably going to snow everywhere but the holler.
• An Amazon child with a newly acquired vehicle will be itching to drive it somewhere.. anywhere.. to the point of volunteering to go grocery shopping. As Martha would say.. it's a good thing.
• You never fully appreciate the awesomeness of a good nap until you hit 40.
• When you realize your new pup was born on Friday the 13th, you shouldn't be surprised that your Scary Hillbilly Town vet doesn't do free shelter pup checkups or accept the insurance you got free for thirty days with the adoption. Yay.

It's chaos at the Asylum this morning, with stubborn programmers, sick family members and end-of-month accounting breakdowns.

I think I'm gonna crawl under my desk and hide.

Ya'll have a good one, we'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!