Aunt Moses, The King of Hell and Kinfolk Shenanigans

Mark Sheppard as Crowley, King of Hell, formerly known as Fergus MacLeod, on Supernatural. I  know I'm a weirdo. Deal with it. Get Supernatural Seasons 1-9 Complete Series

I woke up this morning to The King of Hell whispering "Hello darling," repeatedly in my ear.

It's my text alert. Aunt Moses was burning my phone up.

"I let the kids watch a movie over at the school and they got charged with trespassing. Somebody called DSS and I lost my job."

That's a lot of crap to process with one text. I told her I'd be right over, as soon as I took a shower and fed all the critters. And got at least one cup of coffee in me.

I was already freaking out before I even got in the shower. Aunt Moses worked at Frog Pond Holler Elementary. The house she rents is actually part of the school property and her rent comes out of her check. If she lost her job, was she going to lose her house too? Where would she live? Oh please, DEAR GOD let her find a place to live.

I'd already heard that my Trashy-Big-Boobed-Cousin-With-The-Lazy-Eye was losing her place up on the mountain. She also happens to be Aunt Moses' youngin. What if they all ended up homeless? I CAN'T TAKE IN ALL THESE PEOPLE!!!! Uncle Clarence has bladder cancer and TBBCWTLE is a pot head, as is her husband. I mean, they stay stoned ALL THE TIME.

And by youngins, she had to mean TBBCWTLE's girl, along with her autistic stepson. Surely they didn't arrest him. He's just a little guy.

I envisioned all the kinfolk lying around my trailer, in various stages of chemically induced euphoria, sweaty and scantily clad, arguing over whose turn it was to go buy more Oreos while I locked myself in my room, trying to make a dollar on the innerwebs.

Oh shit. THE SNAKES. TBBCWTLE's girl has three. I don't know what kind they are, I just know one's big enough to EAT MY BUNNIES. I already can't look at my family Facebook page. She posts pictures of them constantly.

Nope. Nope. Nope. This can't happen.

I took the fastest shower I've taken since the last time I was late for work. By the time I got to Aunt Moses' house, I was all in a wad, ready to get on the phone and start finding a place for her. When I pulled up, Uncle Clarence was out on the riding mower, doing his thing. Moses met me at the door. "Wull hey! Come on in the house! You want a sammich?"

"Um.. no I'm good. Are you okay? What's going on? Tell me what the hell happened!!!"

We sat down in the living room, Moses propped her feet up, tossed a corner of her turkey sandwich to her old lab and slowly spinned her story.

So apparently, when Aunt Moses said "youngins" she meant TBBCWTLE's daughter, her son and his wife. She'd given them the key to the school so they could go watch a movie on the big screen in the library. (They have a t.v. with satellite. I don't know why they had to go to the school.) The t.v. locked up on them, so they left it, but not before helping themselves to some food from one of the classrooms and leaving behind a huge mess.

TBBCWTLE's son and his wife are adults. Her daughter is 15. Aunt Moses is 60ish. They all should have known better. Moses uses her key to the school as the door to her own little supply stash. She used to bring me boxes of canned goods and toilet paper that I knew was coming from the food bank. She said it was left over, but I know she was carrying it out of the school kitchen. When I figured out where it was coming from, I told her we were fully stocked and didn't need any.

I'm not that desperate.. and I'm pretty sure she's not either.

When the charges were filed, TBBCWTLE's bunch was named and forbidden to set foot on school property. This would mean that her daughter would not be able to attend school and, technically, her son and his wife, who live with Aunt Moses, would be out on their asses.

Such a freckin' mess.

Luckily, all charges were dropped, everything was wiped clean and no one's homeless. Aunt Moses still has her job. I don't have to take care of anyone and she really just wanted me to come over and visit for a bit.

And.. Uncle Clarence is going to come cut my grass. BONUS! Because even though I plan on getting a little used mower this weekend, it's gotten so bad out there that you just about need a bush hog.

I know there are slithery things.


Anywho, somewhere in the middle of all this, DSS was called on TBBCWTLE. I'm still not really sure what the hell was going on there. I don't think I'm getting the whole story on any of it. I may have to give Thelma a call. Her bubbahubby is the town cop. She'll have the scoop.

It's just another day in the holler.

Ya'll have a good one. It's almost Friday, hang in there. We'll talk again soon!

Later Taters!!


Travel said...

Thank-gwd, they are not all going to be crashing at your place.

Mahala said...

I'd pack up and move lol.

tiff said...

Oh, LORT!!