Adventures in Shopping

Just for the record, I'd rather have my eyeballs snatched from their sockets, used as ping pong balls in a Taiwanese table tennis competition, then roughly shoved up the ass of a flatulent sow, before being removed, thrown angrily against a spackled wall and being pushed back into their original resting place..

...than go car shopping.

Yesterday, the Amazon witnessed the full Used Car Salesman performance, one not quite worthy of a Grammy, but a rite of passage nonetheless. They pulled every trick in the book, right down to taking my drivers license to the mysterious back room to make a copy and conveniently forgetting to return it each time I asked. We were there for two hours. We bought nothing.

I won't go into all the gory details of the enormous piles of bull crap we endured, because seriously? I don't think ya'll would believe me anyway. What it all came down to was, they didn't have anything on the lot the Amazon could afford, but they were certain they were going to talk her in to a much bigger payment than what she could handle. They even offered begged her to take the shiny SUV home for the weekend. The one with payments $50 beyond what she could swing.

I have no patience for this crap.

I think the Amazon has decided to try to save up a little more cash so she'll have more to put down and to give her more wiggle room. In the mean time, I'm trying to score some Valium before we go car shopping again.

Moving on...

After our descent in to hell car shopping experience, I made a run by the World o' Wally, home of the smiley, to get the carpet steamer I've been planning to buy. Back before Christmas, the GM told me I could spend an extra $150 on Christmas because he'd just signed off on three months worth of bonuses. We get $50 a month from our One Big Customer if our ratio of monthly sales to returns falls within their criteria and we were a couple of months behind. We were supposed to get the extra pay the first of January, but apparently the Big Headed German over in accounting couldn't get his dainty little butt in gear in time. It's a good thing I didn't rush right out and blow money I didn't have.

Anywho... so I went to Wal-Mart to buy the spiffy new Bissell Quick Steamer and a few groceries, but that place was INSANE. I bought the steamer, a ginormous bag of dog food and some sandwich meat and got the hell out of there.

On a side note, I find it hilarious that Wal-Mart is always packed with gatherers yet every third one you come in a hair of running over when you round the corner too fast is saying, "I hate this (insert four letter word here) place!"

As we left, I told the Amazon I'd wait and go to the less hectic Wallyworld over in Scary Hillbilly Town later this week. I didn't have my coupons with me and honestly, even if I did, I probably would have been trampled to death by angry shoppers while standing in the aisle trying to calculate the best coupon deal on peanut butter. So you can imagine my absolute ELATION when I opened the grocery store ad this morning to discover that, once again, it's TRIPLE COUPON WEEK!!

My screams of joy could be heard from as far away as Chattanooga.

And yes, I realize how tragically sad it is that triple coupon week makes me this giddy.

I don't have any grand plans for today. Yesterday's adventure has me feeling like poop on a pickle. I'll probably wash some clothes and fill the dishwasher, but it'll be done at a leisurely pace. Besides... we've got free HBO and Cinemax this weekend. I'll save breaking the new steamer in for another day.

Ya'll enjoy the rest of your weekend. I'll be here enjoying the peace and quiet.

Later Taters!


Anonymous said...

There is a special place in hell for used car salespeople like that, it is modeled on a Walmart store and staffed by generations of high school drop outs forced to work for substandard wages under threat of unemployment if the need to pee when it is not their scheduled time to do so. After running all of the local caring business out of business, they feel free to continue to exploit the locals, or just close up shop and move onto their next victim. WalMart has the worst stores in the busines, how do they stay in business? It must be something in the air.


BetteJo said...

Your first paragraph - the whole thing - is me about grocery shopping. One reason I buy lots of frozen and processed foods - you have to keep going back to get the fresh stuff!!! Gah!!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I've found that weekday shopping at the Mart of Wal is much less traumatic...of course, that's hard to do if you work during regular business hours.

rennratt said...

I was at (That Bleeping Store) this afternoon. It took me over two hours to get out of there.

The positive part of getting paid every two weeks? Learning to only go there when I have NO OTHER CHOICE!

tiff said...

Just got back from Wally World. I agree with you on that count, and of COURSE on the whole used car thing.

You deserve a day off!

Meritt said...

I'm not sure how you came up with a flatulent sow, but... well, that's gross.

As for the coupon thing. I don't expect you ever will, but if you ever move North to the Midwest be prepared to NEVER see that again. When we lived in Tennessee I loved the regular double coupons we always got. I thought they did that everywhere. WRONG!

You move out of the South and you will never see double or triple coupons again. Coupon is face value ONLY. Ah the northerners.