Wednesday, April 29, 2009

When Nature Kicks Your Butt

It's Wednesday night in Frog Pond Holler (does that make it Hump Night?) the sink is full of dirty dishes, rain is gently falling on the metal trailer roof and the garbage needs to be taken out.

It'll still be there tomorrow.

Day one of Operation Green Thumb thoroughly kicked my bootay. I wallered dirt, rocks and worms all over the future garden yesterday and if everything continues at the current pace, I should be able to get it all planted by oh... May 2011. I have bug bites in places I don't care to disclose. I've developed a brand new set of aches and pains.. oh yeah.. and managed to get a nice, mater red sunburn, just on my nose.

Ooooh I'm just oozin' sexay now.

The sad part? I spent all that time trying to move massive chunks of turf, only finishing three-fourths of a row, to find out today that they weren't done with the tilling of the ground and what I was trying to do by hand (and damn near killing myself in the process) they'd be coming back to finish with a spiffy piece of machinery.

I may or may not have actually fallen to my knees, screaming praise to a Supreme Being at the news that I wouldn't have to get elbow deep in the worms, spiders and gawd knows what else again any time soon.

Moving on...

We're getting busy at the Asylum (knock on wood) and I've been working over my allowed 30 hours, but only in half hour bits here and there. When given the choice between learning to do part of my job or paying me for a little more, Bossman opted to talk to the GM about my hours. Tomorrow is the last day of the month and April will be the best booking month we've had so far this year.

Dare I say that things are looking up?

Anywho...

Practical Magic is on the boob tube, so I think I'll go back to the couch, slap on a little more Ben Gay and pour me a nice cold glass of something. But before I go...

Heard 'Round the Trailer:

After our gardening adventure, I looked over at the Amazon sitting beside me, slouched down on the couch, dirt on her face, grass in her hair, a warm red glow on her normally ivory skin and I watched as she reached down between her feet, picking up a green 2-liter bottle and taking a big swig from it. I shook my head and I said, "Oh my gawd, when did you get so damned redneck?"

She glanced at me from the corner of her eye, sneering, then took another swig and let out the loudest, most disgusting belch I've ever heard come from the mouth of such a delicate, well educated creature.

Then she grinned and said, "An you know wut Maw? I'm gonna live with you fer the rist of my life."

Give me strength.

Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Pollen, Glitter and Dirt


Taken On the Way to Wal-Mart Sunday


I know it's supposed to be Spring, but apparently no one bothered to give Mother Nature a calendar. It's already feckin' hot up in this holler. And the pollen.. good gawd.. the wind blows and it's like a yellowish green sandstorm.. straight up my nose and launching a full assault on my sinus'.

I had to go into full ninja mode at the Asylum this morning, crouching beneath the giant "DO NOT TOUCH" sign taped to the wall above the thermostat, while I gently eased the paperclip I've formed in to a lever movement tool inside the locked case that surrounds it.

The things a girl's gotta do to avoid under boob sweat is ridiculous.

Moving on...

Yesterday, I was feeling frustration over our failed garden plans. I told the Amazon that it shouldn't be that hard to find someone to till the yard and that I figured it must be the Universe's way of telling us it wasn't meant to be.

Then, I come home at lunch today and find this:



The guy who owns the vacant lot across the road had already paid someone to till our garden when they came to do his. There was joyous dancing and squeeing in the Mahala trailer this afternoon... because seriously... we don't get out much and little things tickle the chit out of us.

After we calmed down, I passed my keys to the Amazon, who was planning a trek out to Big City for body wash, which you can buy at the dollar store, a half a block from our yard, but not THE body wash which can only be obtained from the Big City mall.

*insert eyeroll here*

The combination of the newly tilled earth and the Amazon's voyage into civilization lead to the following exchange:

Me: "We'll need a hoe. Pick up a hoe, kay?"

Amazon: "I'm going to the mall."

Me: "We need a hoe. A wide one."

Amazon: "Well, I was thinking about stopping at Tarjay." (That would be Target.)

Me: "Oh good gawd. Don't be coming back here with some painted up, high fallootin French hoe. A plain hoe. A wide one. Got it?"

Amazon, as she backs out the door, rolling her eyes so far back in her head, I feared they'd fall out her armpits, she just doesn't appreciate good humor: "I'm leaving now."

I'm half afraid she'll show up with some pink handled monstrosity, complete with glitter and ribbons... just to get my goat.

Anywho... I hope ya'll are having a good week. We'll talk again soon!

Later Taters!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

High School and A Drama Queen in Training


After much anticipation, the big Frog Pond Holler hiker extravaganza was a wash.

Literally.

It came a gullywasher of a storm and rained through alot of the activities. The weather didn't keep the hikers away though, the one time I ventured out towards town, the sidewalks were wall-to-wall covered with drippy, hairy people. I didn't attempt to get out of the truck and take any pictures. I just can't rock the wet t-shirt look like I once could.

Did you catch the Barbara Streisand concert on the boob tube last night? I know.. I'm usually going on and on about spandex clad, eyeliner wearing headbangers, but I have an appreciation for show tunes too. When she sang "Memories" I was immediately taken back to the 9th grade, when I massacred the hell out of sang a watered down version for my chorus class audition at Maury High School.

I didn't get very far into my rendition before the chorus director cut me off, having determined that he knew everything he needed to know about my singing ability.. or lack thereof.

"But Mahala," I hear you ask (because publicly acknowledging the voices in my head could be dangerous,) "I thought you said you went to Booker T. Washington High School?"

Well, yes but after my private school career came to an end, I first attended Maury and was asked to transfer to Booker T after one semester. Apparently my class skipping, bathroom smoking, armed security guard harassing skizzles weren't the lessons they had in mind for me and the powers that be decided I'd be better off at a rougher school, with more armed guards and regular city police patrols.

Anywho...

So I sat in the dark and watched Miss Streisand, whose voice is still amazing, and remembered those days. Ma was working as an office manager at the small Roses store on 21st Street in downtown Norfolk. The drama professor from Old Dominion University would shop there for props and clothing for costumes whenever there was a new play opening and he'd have to see Ma for all the tax exempt form.. thingies. Ma was a little sweet on the drama professor, newly divorced and finding her inner wild child.. she'd bat her eyes and fawn and eventually it became a regular occurrence for him to get us tickets to every new production.

Ma always amazed me with her ability to use her baby blues to get just about anything. It must not be hereditary because on the few occasions I've tried it, I just end up looking stupid.. or offered a bottle of Visine.

The university theater was just off campus downtown, not far from Roses. During a time when we'd gone from "comfortable" to dirt poor, seemingly over night, proudly announcing we were on the guest list before moving through the ornate theater doors made me feel almost normal again.

I must have been around 14, trying desperately to be one of the cool kids, while hopelessly trapped in eternal dorkatude. Walking through those doors transported me to another time with the aroma of fresh, hot popcorn served in tiny paper bags, red carpet, velvet ropes and thick, heavy hanging drapes with gold tassels. Like much of the downtown area, the decor had a strong art deco influence with rich, black marble tile. I remember telling Ma that the bathroom was real fancy.. it even had a chair where you could sit to powder your nose.

After I moved to Booker T. and had been there for nearly an entire school year, someone somewhere realized that something must be wrong for me to have gone from being a lifelong honor student, band geek, basketball player and student council member to one who spent an entire semester in in-school suspension and on the rare occasion that I did show up for class, I was chemically altered in some way.

Gee.. ya think?

So anyway, whoever that was, teacher, councilor.. I'm not sure.. started getting me tested, pushing me to get involved in things and eventually lead me to the office of Hugh Copeland, the head of the Booker T drama department.

I ended up taking some drama classes which only drove the final nail in any hopes of a show biz career in my lifetime. I so sucked. I was fabulous backstage, but the second I walked out on stage in front of the class, I could barely spit, mumble and spew my own name. But Mr. Copeland found me something to do, he allowed me to run the tape player at the next big production. It was such a small thing, but when I told all my slacker, druggie friends, you would have thought I was directing the entire production.

I was a proud puppy.

Eventually, my fascination with musicals and theater came full circle when, after I had finally given up and dropped out of high school, I saw an article in the paper that Hugh Copeland would be starring as George M. Cohan with the ODU theater group's production of "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

I tried to hide the tears that rolled quietly down my cheeks as I sat in the theater for the last time. I wanted to be a part of the glitter, the beautiful music, the rousing applause. Ma wasn't with me that time, by then she'd taken up drinking and carousing most weekends and I didn't see her much. I'd dropped out of high school, working at a department store during the week and trying to keep Ma's latest too young, too drunk boyfriends from "accidentally" sneaking in to my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Isn't it funny how many memories can be churned up just by sitting in the dark, watching Barbara Streisand on television in a tiny trailer, in a tiny town, in the middle of nowhere, 30 years later?

Eventually, the Amazon came wandering in to the room, griped at me for sitting in the dark and turned the lamp on. As Barbara spoke of "Romeo and Juliet" and how hatred can cause such tragedy, the Amazon said, "Well, love didn't work out so great for Romeo and Juliet. They both ended up dead. And besides... Romeo was really in love with someone else and.."

I interrupted, "Do you mind? I'm watching this."

"I'm just sayin'..." she continued. She went on for a couple minutes about the real meaning behind the play and on and on... and I smiled. I thought.. she's a pretty good kid. Maybe it wasn't all for nothing. Maybe.. I have done something right.

Everything happens for a reason.

Ya'll have a good week.

Later Taters!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Melungeons, Pina Coladas and Washing Machines


The wind was cool and a little nipply as I rounded the field on my walk this morning. It's hard to believe it's going to get up in the 80's today. I wish I'd had my camera with me, I came across some really nice deer and turkey prints in the mud. As ya'll know, simple things excite me, let's not forget what happens when I discover bear poop on the rare occasions that I commune with nature.

Speaking of my morning stroll, it occurred to me that if I keep taking these little hikes through the summer months, I'm gonna end up with one hell of a redneck farmer tan. I mean... with my Melungeon genes, I tend to bake pretty fast. I'm not sure what to do to prevent it, don't even bother suggesting long sleeves.

That's not going to happen.

I guess I could get some suntan lotion with a high SPF, just for my arms. Then I can walk around the office smelling like a big ol' pina colada all day, eventually pushing Jasper and The Groper right over the edge.

Anywho...

The Amazon took the kitty to the vet yesterday where she got a clean bill of health after being tested for every disease known to kitty-kind. They said she's just 12 weeks old, so she got a babeh shot then came home and spent the evening curled up and glaring at the Amazon.

Do ya'll remember the big plans we had for a garden? Well, we're still trying to find someone to till the ground for us. I mean, we live in South Podunk where everyone and their grandma has a garden, but we can't find one person with a tiller who'll spare ten whole minutes to come break up a small plot of land for us. It's too big to do by hand, but too small for a tractor. The Amazon's friend's daddy offered to loan us his little mini tiller that he bought off an infomercial on television, but I think it's like.. a Garden Weasel... and I'm not sure it'll do the job. It may end up being our only option.

I'll let ya'll know how that goes.

I don't have any big plans for the weekend. Ma was adamant that I go after work yesterday to buy a new washer, but I put her off until Saturday. When she finds out that it's going to have to wait until I get my state refund, she's going to be pissed. Shame on me for frivolously blowing my federal refund on selfish things like brakes, vehicle taxes and some ugly black shoes to wear to work.

I'm such a spoiled brat.

The washing machine works.. sort of. The agitator doesn't agitate, it's come off the shaft. So when we wash clothes, we actually just sort of soak clothes. I give them a little swish around with my hands..

What? Don't look at me like that. At least I'm not beating my granny panties against a rock down by the creek.

I thought I could get parts to fix it myself (yeah I know.. silly me) but the washer is too old. We bought it used and rebuilt off some guy up Fall Branch who runs his business out of his garage. I think I can get a brand new one for a little over $300 and according to Sears' website, they'll deliver to the holler. I have my doubts they really will, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway.

I really need a vacation. Just a weekend away would work wonders. A change of scenery, a city skyline, anything that isn't trailers, pick-up trucks, smelly AT hikers and cows.

Maybe.

Ah well. At least it's Friday. I've got papers piled up all over my desk here at the Asylum, but I can't guarantee I'll do anything about them. I might just move them out of sight, out of mind until Monday.

Ya'll have a great weekend. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Bluegrass, Thai Chicken and WKRP

The sun is shining bright down on the holler today, there's a nip in the air and the wind is blowing gently across the wide open field behind the Asylum.

It's a new day.

I think I got most of my sad and down trodden boohoos out of my system last night. It's just frustrating here at the Asylum, trying to get the job done in fewer hours with less people. But honestly.. my biggest problem is Bossman's attitude. When I've busted bootay to try to get things done, had my butt chewed by angry customers and my head snapped off by Thelma because she didn't appreciate the way I looked at her that morning... or something.. who effin' knows at this point... and I go to Bossman with a big sale I've made, it would be nice to get a response other than a muffled grumble equivalent to "yeah whatever."

Anywho.. enough venting about this place.

There's nothing really new and exciting to report around the holler. The most exciting thing that's happened lately is the moving of the caboose/welcome center from the middle of town to the campground, to make room for an actual welcome center.

Oh yeah.. and the big trail festival is this weekend. There will be bluegrass played by hippies who learned to play their banjos and fiddles at some big city music program on center stage, while the locals who play on front porches and molasses gatherings (because it takes a village to make molasses) will gather on the side streets, playing the real mountain music.. unplugged.

Me and the Amazon will probably wander down and check things out. I may snap a few pictures to share. Hopefully the Thai chicken guy will be set up down by the post office. The Amazon loves her some Thai chicken.

What? We can't have a festival of any kind here in Frog Pond Holler without the Thai chicken guy. I'm pretty sure he's not from around here though.

Anywho...

I'd better get back to work. Mr. HappyMerrySunshine is due to come grumbling down the hall any second.

It's Hump Day ya'll.. and Administrative Professionals Day... so let's hump it like Jennifer Marlowe at WKRP. She had her bossman wrapped around her pinkie finger.. a master of her craft.

Later Taters!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Because I Need Something Else to Feed

So.. yesterday I came back from lunch early so I could do a few laps around the property. When I fell out of got out of the truck, I noticed Tiny standing on the porch, bent over, saying, "Well c'mere you."

I was a little concerned for my safety.

"C'mere.. lemme get a' hold of ya," he continued.

Just as I was about to run like hell, he scooped up this:



It's hard to tell from the picture, but she's very tiny. Oh and.. that's my bed she's all cozied up on.. so you can kinda guess what happened next.

She has a big dirt splotch on her forehead and a sore under her chin, so I suspect she got to the Asylum under the hood of someone's vehicle. I got her home, dug out the litter box and the one can of food I had stashed away, "just in case," and closed her up in my bedroom. The Amazon got off work an hour later, bringing a bag of kitten food, which caused the tiny kitty to dance around excitedly, wrapping her little paws around the Amazon's arm in a hug while she tried to get the bag open.

I think it had been a while since she had eaten.

By 9 o'clock last night, I had been reminded what it's like to have a hyper little kitten in the house. It's sorta like an army of 2 year olds on a mission of destruction.

It doesn't have a name yet. The Amazon wants to name her something freaky, in reference to her ink blot-like spots, but I'm leaning towards "Miss ChiChi Rodriguez."

Anywho.. ya'll have a good one. I'm trying to be positive today.. I'll let you know how that works out.

Later Taters!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Anywhere But Here


Dear Universe

I know I should be thankful to have a job, a place to live and the basic necessities of life and I think, all things considered, I do a damn fine job of mustering up the required thankfulness on most days.

But today, it's just not in me.

Just for today, I want to be somewhere, anywhere else. I want to hear the chatter of accents from other places, get lost in a crowd of strangers, sit in a park to feed the squirrels and pigeons. I want to walk on a crooked sidewalk past an old theater and smell the baked in scent of 20 years of buttery popcorn, to sit on cool concrete steps under the shade of a crepe myrtle tree, watching multi-colored children run, play, giggle and cry as they push plastic trucks through sandy, city dirt and hurl headless Barbies through the air.

I want to be anywhere but here.

Here where I'll spend six hours with my head bowed, mumbling apologies to the boss for my ability to feck up absolutely everything I touch, where the people I work with shlep around singing their endless "whoa is me" song and where my effort to stay positive and happy has, in itself, become a tedious task worthy of dread.

*sigh*

This too shall pass. It always does.

Ya'll have a good Monday.

Later Taters!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Baryshnikov, Stroganoff and Refried Beans

The birds outside my kitchen window have been quiet this morning. It looks like a rain storm or two might be rolling in to the holler soon, I reckon the birds must be tucked away under the hemlock, riding the storm out.

Here in the trailer, it's a little nippy but the coffee's steaming and the "classic vinyl" XM station is stroking my addled nerves with the sounds of Cream and "Sunshine of Your Love."

I say addled because I've still not recovered from last week at the Asylum. I'm still having PTSD flashbacks of angry phone calls from LaShamwow or LaPorchewreck or whatever the hell the customer's name was. I had quoted a job for her back in early March, with a 4-6 week lead time, but she didn't place the order until almost April. Now she's got her butt floss in a wad because her customer wants to know why it's not ready yet.

Ima need for some people to stop lying to their customers, then having a freak out fit on me because I can't work miracles.

Anywho...

I woke up early yesterday morning, apparently my body has forgotten the rule about sleeping in on Saturdays. I'd been having wild dreams about some big, burly dark skinned man with long black hair who apparently thought I was the greatest thing since refried beans, then woke up with every kinda ache and pain you can think of.

Okay.. I'm not sure if the aches and pains had anything to do with the dream, but it makes you wonder.

After the Amazon left for work, I grabbed a cup of coffee, assorted achey pain drugs and settled in on the couch with a blanket and the remote. I flipped through the channels and was delighted to find one of my all time favorite movies, White Nights. It makes me wanna jump on a plane, fly to Russia and rescue Baryshnikov myself.

Can ya'll just see me flying through the streets of Moscow in Jolene, some Molly Hatchett blaring from the speakers as I let out a big ass rebel yell?

Yeah okay.. I know it's different over there now and Baryshnikov isn't really stuck in a crappy little apartment with Gregory Hines and Isabella Rossellini.. but it was funny for a second.

Oh and by the way.. as I watched this movie again for the first time in forever, it dawned on me how our culture has changed it's definition of beauty. It was refreshing to see actors with real teeth, not super day glow chickletts and women who's bones weren't protruding through starving flesh, topped by ginormous plasti-breasts adorned with rigid little stiletto nipples.

*steps down from her soap box*

I don't have alot on my agenda for today. The beginnings of beef stroganoff are stewing in the slow cooker, it should be done around 5 ish. I think the Amazon works 'til 2 and Ma is sawing logs in a Robitussin induced fog, so other than some laundry, I'll be kicking back and finding something peaceful and quiet to occupy my time.

If you listen closely, you might hear me caterwauling like a dying mule in a hail storm singing with the radio.. "hold you in his arms 'til you can feel his disease... come toooooogeeeeeeether... right noooooowwwww.... over me."

Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!

P.S. Kenju over at "Imagine" awarded me the following:




“The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken- excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…”

Although I'd rather do anything that invoke the wrath of the zombie chickens.. because seriously.. I'm fearful enough of living, breathing chickens... Satan's fowl... I get a little twitchy when I have to pick a handful of my favorite blogs. There are so many.. it's just not possible. So, I invite ya'll to browse the links under the "Brain Candy" heading in my sidebar and visit a few. Oh and.. be sure to stop by Kenju's place. She is truly an angel of the blogosphere :o)

Friday, April 17, 2009

Turning Points and Balding Angels

Hell week at the Asylum is almost over. One more day.

Remember last month when I said I kicked bootay during my week as the sole sales ninja? Well.. this week I didn't kick bootay. It was more like.. I was run over and ripped to shreds like the last piece of fried chicken at a southern church picnic.

Give me strength.

Anywho...

I had to go back to the dungeon the engineering department yesterday to dig for an old part number from 30 years ago. As I bent down to retrieve a pile of dusty prints from the bottom drawer, I caught sight of The Groper from the corner of my eye... leering at me from over the top of his glasses. He wheezed his greeting in an asthmatic whisper and I decided that the whopping $23 we stood to make on the sale of this old part was not worth the spine tingling creepiness I was having to deal with. I'd let Bossman come back and dig for it on Monday.

As I left engineering, making my way past the laser cutters and the tool crib, I spotted Luther working at one of the machines. He smiled, waving to me through the cloud of weld dust. I felt the grin forming on my lips and waved back then hurried back inside the office before The Groper showed up again.

Luther's been working at the Asylum for almost as long as it's been in operation. Tall, chubby, sort of dark and balding, my first impression of Luther was that he was just another "good ol' boy" from up on the mountain. He seemed good hearted, a hard worker and maybe just a little simple minded.

Back when I was the self proclaimed queen of the IRC chatrooms, my online nickname was "dolphie" and I used to wear this silver and crystal dolphin pendant. One afternoon I was in the breakroom at work, raiding the Wheel O' Death, the home of stale Twinkies and gray mystery meat microwave sandwiches, when Luther came in and said hello. As I began to leave, he stopped me, kinda cocked his head to the side and asked, "Are you Wiccan?"

"Ummm no.. why do you ask?" I was a little worried. Most of the guys around here wouldn't be familiar with Pagan religions and even if I were Wiccan, I'm not 100% sure I would have had the courage to admit it.

"I noticed your crystal," he explained.

"OH! Oh no. I mean.. if someone is.. that's cool.. but I'm not.." I went on to explain why I wore the necklace and we had a nice little chat about computers and the internet. I soon returned to my office, which back then was still in accounting and told Lulu what had happened.

"Yeah.. Luther's different. He grew up here, but he was born in Germany. I don't remember exactly how the story goes, but I think his mom was from here and met his dad over there, then he left them and she married someone else and moved here... something like that," she explained.

Me and Luther (who, by the way, is very happily married to a lovely lady) have had a lot of off the wall conversations over the years, conversations about religion, faith and spirituality that neither of us felt we could have had with anyone else here in the holler. It was Luther who first loaned me a copy of "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" which lead to a whole new level of break room conversations between us.

Some of ya'll may remember last summer when I was volunteered for a special project.. thingie.. where I ended up crawling around in the floor for a week. Luther was on the same "team" and we spent alot of time talking while we worked on machinery in the blistering heat.

"Mahala.. how come you ain't never been married?" he asked. I'm pretty sure everyone else in the holler has wondered the same thing, it's only taken Luther about 12 years to work up the courage to ask. I explained that when the Amazon was young, I didn't feel comfortable dating so I'd kinda just put things off. In the meantime, I'd let myself go and gotten so out of the swing of things, that I figured that by now.. it was pretty much hopeless.

"You know what I think?" he asked. "One of these days, you're gonna up and marry you a rich ol' millionaire. You'll just show everybody 'round here. Whatcha think about that?"

I smiled and shook my head. "Oh Luther.. no one wants this," I said, motioning to my own body.

"Mahala, I don't know anyone else like you in this whole world and you can take that as a compliment. You just wait and see. I know what I'm talkin' about," he said, smiling a little and nodding as he spoke.

I made up an excuse to go outside on break after that. I went around behind the building where no one would see me and sat on the pavement, beside the big dumpsters full of scrap metal and busted wooden pallets.

And I cried.

Not a delicate, broken rose cry. It was the full snot face ugly girl cry. The kind that hurts your nose and renders you temporarily blind.

It wasn't purdy ya'll.

I've made alot of changes since that day and I'm still a work in progress, but regardless of what happens, everytime I look at Luther it reminds me that someone looked me in the eye and made me feel like I was worth something.

And it was just what I needed.

Anywho.. I guess my point is... a few kind words can go a long way.

It's Friday ya'll. The weekend is almost upon us. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

P.S. If you're in the L.A. area, Eddie Izzard is doing a few more small shows this weekend. Click here for more info.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Floods, Burgers and Feather Boas

It's cloudy and gray in Frog Pond Holler today, but at least the wind isn't howling. It's been unseasonably chilly the past week, it makes me kinda wish I had a warm body to snuggle up to... other than the Boston Baked Beagle.

I was a little sad when I drove through town on the way to the Asylum this morning. The new owners of the pub must have decided against trying to salvage any of the building. It was completely gone. Growing up in Norfolk, the only memories I have of the holler come from our vacation visits when I was just little, back when the pub was a cafe, with a jukebox and red and white checkered table cloths. After the big flood ripped through here back in the 70's, moving the road, the creek and the bridge, the old cafe was one of the few buildings left on that side of town.

Down by the railroad tracks, the former laundromat/used car lot is getting a face lift. The rumor is that they're turning it into a 50's style diner.. because in a town with a summer time population of around 650, what you really need are six different places to buy the same greasy hamburger.

Meanwhile, back at the trailer...

The Amazon went back to the dentist.. again.. for the same tooth.. on Monday. I think she'll live to chew again now. On the way home, she got pulled over for an expired license plate. I'm embarrassed to admit how long I've been driving around with dead tags, I had to wait for my tax refund to get the taxes paid and all that jazzola. We'd planned for her to go take care of that for me on her day off this week, so now she can just run across the road to the county courthouse, show proof that she's paid everything and hopefully get the $140 ticket wiped off.

Hopefully. That's what Officer Supernice said anyway.

I'd just like to add here that it amuses the hell out of me that I could drive across the country, violating various traffic regulations all along the way and still manage to avoid getting pulled over. The Amazon? She walks out the door and even looks like she might drive somewhere and blue lights start flashing.

Cracks me right up.

Anywho...

The other night Ma cornered me in the kitchen and started interrogating me about my "plans" again. This time she's decided that I'm going to run off to live in another country with some man I've met on the internet (who are all axe murderers by the way... well other than the one my trashy big-boobed cousin with the lazy eye picked up on a dating site, then drove to N.Y. to "fetch." Apparently he walks on water, which he may or may not later turn to wine...) She also adamantly informed me that she didn't need anyone to take care of her, that she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself and if I wanted to "go off somewhere" I shouldn't let her stop me.

She then informed me that she hadn't eaten all day, was probably going to pass out if she didn't get right back in the bed that instant and would I bring her a Coke? Oh and would I mind running to town to pick her up some *good* crackers, like some Ritz, because those store brand saltines I bought the other day.. the entire, unopened box... looked kinda dry.

I swear, all I did to set her off was come home from work.

Here at the Asylum, it's been hectic but more of a controlled chaos than the mayhem I experienced during Bossman's last mandatory week off. When customers get their panties in a wad, I just take a deep breath, let them vent, then do the best I can to smooth things over. I'm not going to let myself get freaked out.

I reckon that's all the latest and greatest news worth repeating from Frog Pond Holler. I'm glad it's Hump Day. In honor of last night's viewing of "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything," lets hump it like Wesley Snipes in a feather boa and thigh high f*ck me boots.

Later Taters!


Monday, April 13, 2009

Keep Smiling, Even When it All Goes to Hell

I got up this morning feelin' all perkalicious knowing I was going to work with a new hairdo and looking forward to all the compliments. After much primping and coiffing I hopped in the truck and scooted on up to the Asylum. As I pulled in to my parking space, I glanced in the rear view mirror, applied a little lip balm and slipped in to my hoodie. It's chilly out and I figured I'd need it on my morning walk around the property.

Ya'll kinda know what's comin' don't ya?

Anywho...

I got about half way in to my walk when I heard a great howl boiling up from down in the holler. I silently prayed it was heading the other way, but seconds later I heard it whip up the hill, bending the pines nearly in half and blowing a sheet of siding off the enclosure on top of the building.

There went the hair.

No amount of hair spray could stand up to that kinda wind.. except maybe AquaNet Ultra-Hold, the kind they stopped making in the 80's when it was discovered that Hair Metal bands were solely responsible for the massive hole in the ozone layer.

It kept howling and blowing all the way around. By the time I got back to the truck, my head looked like a bird's nest. Luckily I had a brush in my purse. Once I got inside, it took me ten minutes to get all the knots out of it.

I finally got settled down, took a deep breath, poured myself a cuppa coffee and popped the top off my bowl of oatmeal. As I was stirring it, my hand decided to go all wonky and spaz for no reason, splattering cold milk all over the front of my blouse. I'm not sure why but, my jacked up hand joints only seem to go all spazzy when liquids are involved.

If ya'll knew how much water accidentally ends up in the toaster when I'm trying to make coffee in the mornings, you'd seriously fear for my safety.

All was not lost however. The GM, you remember.. the one who's had three sexual harrassment cases filed against him... he stopped me in the hall, grinned, drooled a little and told me he sure did like my new glasses and that they made me look damn sexy.

Thank God for dirty old men.

No mention was made of the hair.

This Monday has gotten off to a rousing start.. but I'm in a surprisingly good mood. It's Bossman's mandatory week off, so I'm the sales ninja. I've got plenty to do but I'll be checking in on the innerwebs now and then.

Ya'll take this Monday by the cajones and make it your bitch. We'll talk more soon.

Later Taters!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Pot Heads and Shopping Trips


It's a bright, sunny day here in the holler. The house is filled with the aroma of fresh brewed coffee and the sound of Ma yacking up a wad of mucus like she's on death's door.

The springtime fresh mountain air, it's a killer.

The Amazon and I headed out to Big City, on the day before a religious holiday... in the south.. Bible Belt Central no less.. because I'm a glutton for punishment and because the Amazon thought she was gonna die if she didn't get a Red Lobster fix. Somehow we managed to miss all the crowds and we didn't see much traffic. I was pleasantly surprised.

She was buying dinner, since it was her idea and my heart swelled with pride when I saw her slip our server a coupon. Proof positive that the Amazon is indeed the Fruit of My Womb.

After being sufficiently stuffed with sea creatures and cheddar biscuits (Holy garlic butter Batman, those biscuits should come with legal limits) we headed to the hair salon. Okay.. maybe "salon" isn't the right word for a chain with "clips" in the name, but I refuse to go back to that other chain salon. Everytime I go I end up with that flippen pot head... Moon Unit or Crab Grass or whatever the hell her name is. She looks like the hippie chick from the Muppet Show. When you see her and you just know she's got the Grateful Dead's last album cover tattooed on her left ass cheek. It doesn't matter how many stylists are working, how many customers are waiting, if I go to that shop I end up with the "Just Say No" poster child.

For the record, I don't have a problem with the occasional enjoyment of a little wacky weed. I'm just gonna need for you to be reasonably straight before you start wielding a pair of scissors around my face. Seriously.

Anywho...

So we went to this new place and although of the three stylists working, I ended up with the one who was working her first day, who told me her mother, father, father-in-law, husband and dog had all died with in the past year and who called her 26 year old college student daughter a bitch who always wanted money, I at least got a decent hair cut.

Bless her heart.

We also stopped at the shoe store, since the shoes I've been wearing to work have experienced some kind of blowout. Everytime I step down with my right foot, it squeaks like dog toy. I go flying down the hall towards the GM's office to get something signed and by the time I get there, he's snickering, "I can hear you coming... *thud squeak thud squeak*... you can't sneak up on nobody!"

So yeah.. I needed shoes and since I've been putting an extra 6 miles a week on them anyway, I figured I'd better get some decent ones. Fashion's not really an issue at the office anymore, there's hardly ever anyone there, so I've been wearing some old, black Reeboks. I ended up buying an almost identical, if slightly upgraded pair and they were having a "BOGO" half off sale, so the Amazon got some fancy new Sketcher sandals.

Somewhere in there we swung by the K-Mart so the Amazon could visit with the Gritlet, stopped at the new, ginormous Barnes and Noble and made the life altering decision to avoid the Wal-Mart all together.

On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store to pick up a ham and few other things, then we came home. Finally.

At like.. 10:30 last night I was in the bathroom putting the hi-lights in my hair. I've deemed the hair coloring experiment a success. Holly-freakin-loo-ya.

We're not really doing anything special for Easter. I'll sling the ham in the oven in a couple of hours, make some mashed potatoes and nuke some frozen peas. Ma has requested we make some coconut cream pie, so we got the fixin's for that last night. With the Amazon grown there's no need to dye eggs, although I'm pretty sure if I went out and hid them while she was at work this morning, she would so be out there skipping around with her little basket when she got off.

She's a dork that way. It must skip a generation.

I don't do church or religion in general. I have a strong spiritual faith which I've learned it's best to keep close to my heart. Having said that, I hope that after all sermons have been heard, all the chocolate bunnies devoured and sparkly, multi-colored eggs have been found that all ya'll get up tomorrow morning and find one thing you can do for someone else.

One thing.

Someone you know is hungry, scared or lonely. Call them up. Share a meal. Toss a can of corn in the food bank collection box.

Then Tuesday? Find one more. That's when you'll feel it.. what it's really all about.

Ya'll have a happy Easter.. and just love one another.

Later Taters!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Any Friday Off is Good Friday

It's cloudy and cool in Frog Pond Holler this Good Friday morning. It looks like some whopper sized storms are moving our way, but the coffee's hot, I don't have to go to work and I plan to enjoy a day chock full of slothful bliss.

We all know those plans never seem to work out that way, but it's nice to dream.

For those of you keeping track of my truck related dilemmas, you'll be happy to know Jolene has been fitted with new rotors and brake pads. Now I can stop as easily as I can move forward, which is great because having to hold my breath every time I hit the brake was wearing thin on my nerves and probably contributed to the explosion of gray hair sprouting from my head. The Amazon's boss only charged me $40 to put them on.

Speaking of hair, I've got not one, but two boxes of hair color sitting on the end table, one regular box and another to highlight on top of that. I've been looking at them for a week, trying to get my nerve up. Ya'll wish me luck. My do it yourself beauty experiments don't always end up with success.

This could get ugly.

Anywho.. I think I'm gonna go play on the internet a while. Everyone else, critters and kin alike, are all asleep so I've got peace and quiet for a bit. I'll check back in later.

Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Wacky Kinfolk and Fuzzy Bunnies

I'm not sure I can even express how overjoyed I am that this week is almost in the can. It's been a doozy.

Last night, while watching the evening news, I was disturbed to learn that a girl the Amazon went to school with was charged with statutory rape after admitting to having sex with a 13 year old boy.

We always knew the girl was a little nuts, but jeeze o' pete.

I didn't get the details because the report was drowned out by the Amazon's screaming at the television, "OH. MY. GOD. OHMAGOD. OH. GOD." It rattled her cage.. just a smidge.

Ma has decided that the 13 year old boy was my trashy, big boobed cousin with the lazy eye's boy, for no reason other than he's 13. That's how Ma's mind works.. or not. We don't get to see the boy very often, he's decided to live with his father full time since the Sunday night when his daddy brought him home after his weekend visitation, only to find that the one of blessed boobage had moved over the weekend... and didn't bother telling her own son... who lived with her.

Honestly.. if it weren't for the fact that I look just like both my parents I'd swear that Ma stole me from a baby buggy, unattended by the candy counter down at the Sears department store while my real mother was momentarily distracted by the aroma of fresh roasted pistachios and sugar encrusted, jellied orange slices.

Sometimes I can't believe I share DNA with these people.

Anywho...

Do ya'll remember the bunny who took up residence in my yard last year? Sadly, Paco the bunny met an untimely death last summer. It was that week from hell when it was like 100° in the holler, the central air died, I bought an air conditioner, then had to take it back, then my cat died... yeah.. THAT week... Paco got hit by a car and Paco's mate got hit right in front of the house as I was unloading the second a.c. unit. I didn't mention it because honestly, I didn't think ya'll would believe me if I'd told you. I mean.. there's bad luck and then there's like.. the suck of death shitty luck.

We had seen the baby bunnies which resulted from the union of Paco and his or her wild mate. We wondered if they were big enough to survive on their own. Through the winter we'd spot one every once in a while, but we didn't give it much thought.

Then, we started noticing a bunny hanging around in the yard, just like Paco. Yoda spends alot of time barking at it while it sits on the other side of the fence, wiggling it's nose and munching on grass. Yesterday morning, I went out to leave for work and noticed him sitting in the exact same spot by the van where I first found Paco. (Yes, the hippy van is still in the yard. It's not been driven in over a year. There's no tellin' what all lives in it. You might be a redneck...)

Then.. I saw babies.. two of them.. playing chase in the vacant lot across the road.

Paco lives on.

Ah well. I don't know about ya'll, but I'm looking forward to a three day weekend. It's almost here. Ya'll hang in there.

Later Taters!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Fowl Happenings in the Holler

Snow is peppering down in the fields behind the Asylum this morning. It was a little nipply on my morning walk, but the six deer who came barrelling out of the woods, crossing my path, made it all worth it. I tried to get a video of them with my cellphone, but I missed.

Maybe next time.

PG had a close encounter on his way to the office last Friday. I'd heard bits and pieces of the story, but I wasn't sure who was involved until I walked in on a conversation between him and Bossman.

Bossman, to PG: "So did you get your truck pieced back together?"

PG: "My mirror is fixed but I'm still waitin' on the estimate for the rest."

Bossman: "Who knew you could do that much damage hitting one little turkey?"

PG: "I beg your pardon.. I did not hit the turkey.. the turkey hit me. And.. that was a huge damn bird!"

I winced as I laid PG's faxes on his desk and asked, "Awww.. poor turkey. Did you kill it?"

PG: "Poor turkey?? HAVE YOU SEEN MY TRUCK??? And yes it's dead. I was coming up the hill to work Friday when I seen it.. out of the corner of my eye... flying out of the woods.. like a bullet... straight towards my head. Luckily it was cool out and I had my window up. The sumbitch clipped my side mirror, bounced across the hood and off the side.. where I clipped it again. Oh my GAWD the feathers.. the blood.. the turkey carnage was everywhere."

I could see that PG was still a little shook up over the whole thing. And while people who know me will tell you that maybe I'm just a tad bit over sensitive when it comes to critters... I still kinda giggled to myself. Not because the poor turkey got killed, but because I can just see the horror on PG's face as he glances up and sees the kamikaze fowl coming straight for him.

Bossman added with a grin: "After he told us the story in the morning meeting, we went out to survey the damage to his truck. All but Tiny. He came out the door wielding a big hunting knife, looking determined as hell, then hopped in his little Toyota, heading down the hill like he was going to a fire. It didn't dawn on us what the hell he was doing until he came back, smiling from ear to ear. He hopped out carrying his lunch cooler, damn proud of himself. He'd gone and cut him out the whole turkey breast to take home for supper."

This tickled the wee out of Bossman, being from "up nawth" he'd always heard us hillfolk didn't waste anything, not even roadkill, but he'd thought it was just a stereotype.

This morning, I may or may not have suggested to Tiny that he get his turkey call whistle thingie and sneak up behind PG with it this afternoon, out in the plant, after everyone else is gone and see if he can get a rise out of him.

Because I may or may not have a wee bit of a mean streak.

Anywho... ya'll have a great day. I'll be working my little fingers to the bone in between taking breaks to watch it snow and peeking in on Twitter and Plurk.

Later Taters!

P.S. If your in the N.Y. area and want to check out Eddie Izzard in a small, intimate venue, click here. I'm pretty sure it's okay to share.. since I've only got like six readers :o) I'd be there in a New York minute if I could.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Hikers, Slurpees and Jolene Gets Cocky

It's overcast, gray and colder than penguin snot in the holler this morning. I had to crank up the heat ya'll.. my toes were little blue numb nuggets.

Such is spring in the South.

I know spring has arrived, the march of trail weary backpackers by my kitchen window gets more populated every day. Their little eyes are always so full of hope when they come off the trail and hit pavement, the maps tell them there's a town just beyond the next curve. You can just see the visions of Mickey D's golden arches and 7-Eleven Slurpees dancing over their heads. When they reach the other end of town in ten minutes (that's ten minutes on foot) their little faces turn to confusion. You can see them standing on the far side of the big river bridge, looking hopefully up the road that crosses the mountain, thinking maybe they missed something.

They eventually end up at the Grab n' Go (and go and go) where they can enjoy the luxury of flush toilets (most of the time) after a big fat Grease Burger.

Bless their hearts.

Anywho...

Ya'll will be pleased to know that I finally bought the mutha feckin' rotors and crap for the truck. They're still not ON the truck, but I'm one step closer. While driving through Scary Hillbilly Town to the auto parts store, the digital readout thingie on the dash suddenly popped up that my coolant levels were low. This surprised me because it's been bickering at me that it's time to change the oil for three months now. I wasn't expecting a new message.

On a side note, it's a good thing I've got a vehicle that pops up little idiot messages all the time, seeing how I've had Jolene for over a year now and I've never even popped the hood.

Don't judge me.. I've had alot of crap on my mind.. okay?

When I saw the message, I told the Amazon that since we were all the way out there anyway, we should run by Wally World and get the oil changed, because I knew they'd check the tire pressure, the fluid levels and all that jazz.

Imagine my eye rolling angst when I discovered they check everything BUT the coolant level. Oh well.. at least now I won't have to see "OH MY GAWD WOULD YOU PLEASE CHANGE MY FREAKIN' OIL? WOULD YOU LIKE SLUDGE COURSING THROUGH YOUR VEINS?? ARE YOU REALLY THIS DAMN CLUELESS?" "CHANGE ENGINE OIL" where the odometer reading should be every time I start her up.

Don't worry. I bought a jug o' coolant at the Wally World. I'll tend to that sometime today.

Ah well...Pork ribblets are simmering in the slow cooker under a blanket of BBQ sauce, so in a couple of hours.. my house is going to smell awesometastic. I seem to have accumulated a stock pile of taters, maybe I'll make some tater salad to go with it. For now? I'm going to go enjoy the few hours of peace and quiet left before the Amazon gets off work down at the station.

Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon!

Later Taters!

Friday, April 03, 2009

Satanic Salesmen, Geeks and Bad Luck

The dark skies seem to ebb and flow over the holler this morning, with intermittent shadows burned in two by the bright, shining sun. The view causes an eerie, surreal kind of feeling. Sort of how life is right now... undecided, in the midst of change but still unsure of which way to go.

I had to hit the ground running as soon as I arrived at the Asylum, but I think I've got all major fires put out for the time being. I can take a momentary breather without feeling too guilty.

Me and the Amazon headed out to the edge of civilization yesterday, to the tiny oasis of strip malls and fast food drive-thrus just across the Hee-Haw county line. The guy who owns the Pump N' Go also has a trucking company, with garage and has offered to replace the rotors on Jolene. This is a good thing, because it means I don't have to deal with Cletus up at the only repair place in town.

Me and Cletus don't hit it off too well.

Anywho...

There were two guys working at the parts place, one who looked like he might know how to change a tire, but refused to acknowledge my presence, lest I interrupt his angry key punching. He stopped me in my tracks with his satanic glare before I'd even gotten within 5 feet of the counter.

"I. will. be. with. you. in. a. moment. MA'AM!"

Ooooookay. I can take a hint. Noooo problem.

So I stood and waited patiently for the other salesguy, looking like he was fresh out of diapers, who was happily assisting another customer. I stood there.. keeping my distance from the counter out of fear that Satan the Salesman would suddenly leap like a wildcat, wielding an exhaust pipe at my head.

After about five minutes, the little guy finished with his customer and motioned me over to the counter. He found everything I needed until he got to the back rotors. Apparently there are two sizes and he didn't know which one would fit my truck... so now I gotta find someone to pull the tire off and tell me what the crap to buy. Or call another parts place and see if they know. I'm thinking either size would fit.. one's just probably an upgraded part with a .25" difference in diameter.

But then.. I don't know shit from shine-ola when it comes to truck parts so.. who knows.

After that we drove out to the comic book store for the second time in two months so the Amazon could pick up her coveted Jim Butcher comic, only to find... for the second time in two months.. that it wasn't available yet.

Yes.. a comic book geek was produced from my womb. I don't know how it happened. We also have a dog named Yoda and a bird named Merlin. I'm still in denial.

Seeing how our luck was not happening... I blame Satan the Salesman and his death glare... I gently suggested to the Amazon that maybe getting our hair cut wasn't such a great idea. She agreed and by then her mouth was all stabby hurty anyway, so we hit up CVS for some spackle and paint make-up and stopped for dog food, gave up and went home.

Tomorrow, we're heading in the other direction to Scary Hillbilly Town, where there are race tracks and rednecks who grew up playing in the mud behind the office of their granddaddy's junk yard. By gawd, I'll find someone who knows something about fixin' a truck out there.

Getting there isn't a problem. Stopping might be a little tricky. Wish me luck.

Ya'll have an ass kickin' weekend. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Wild Nights and Waller Filled Days

Dinner is done and everyone's winding down for the evening as the sun sets on Frog Pond Holler. I'm hoping for a nice quiet end to the day, last night's parade of emergency vehicles with flashing blue lights and ear piercing sirens (with a chorus of hounds joining in) flying by the house was all the excitement I need for a day or two.

I'm still not clear on the details. Whatever happened was up Fall Branch on a dirt road, over the mountain, across a creek, passed a barn.. and they lost me after that. The scanner was hopping, but because we honest to gawd live in a hole, we only pick up bits and pieces of all the action. From what I've pieced together, there was a body on a porch, unresponsive and "looked beat up." I'm not sure if it was a man or a woman or if that was the same person they ended up flying out on the helicopter. There was also a woman locked in a bedroom at the same house who may or may not have had a shotgun. There was something about "forced entry on my authority" from the Sheriff... hell I don't know. I don't even know for sure if the Sheriff was actually there or calling it in from home.

I suck at keeping up with the scanner gossip. Thelma said she'd get the dirt from her Bubbahubby when he got off duty tonight.

Meanwhile, back at the Asylum everyone's in a wad over our hours being cut, the layoffs and general craptastrophe. Nowadays I don't even try to reason with them. I just tune them out and keep going. I've decided that if Bossman wants to sit back there and act all disgruntled all day, there's not a pea pickin' thing I can do about it. Let him waller.

I can't be responsible for other people's unhappiness.. especially when they seem so feckin' determined to be miserable.

Anywho...

Here's a bit of what was heard around the trailer earlier this evening:

Me: "What do you feel like having for dinner?"

Amazon: "I still can't chew on that side.. how about breakfast? Eggs or something."

Me: "We don't have any kind of breakfast meat. How about you run to the dollar store and pick up some sausage. I'll break it up and cook it down soft... and I'll make grits."

Amazon: "You're gonna make me go out.. that means I'll have to put my bra back on."

Me: "I don't see why, there's no law that says you have to wear a bra just to run down to the dollar store."

Amazon: "There is too... the law of GRAVITY!!"

Don't worry.. I immediately informed her that she would be blogged.

I hope ya'll had a happy Hump Day. This week is almost licked.

We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

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