Floods, Burgers and Feather Boas

It's cloudy and gray in Frog Pond Holler today, but at least the wind isn't howling. It's been unseasonably chilly the past week, it makes me kinda wish I had a warm body to snuggle up to... other than the Boston Baked Beagle.

I was a little sad when I drove through town on the way to the Asylum this morning. The new owners of the pub must have decided against trying to salvage any of the building. It was completely gone. Growing up in Norfolk, the only memories I have of the holler come from our vacation visits when I was just little, back when the pub was a cafe, with a jukebox and red and white checkered table cloths. After the big flood ripped through here back in the 70's, moving the road, the creek and the bridge, the old cafe was one of the few buildings left on that side of town.

Down by the railroad tracks, the former laundromat/used car lot is getting a face lift. The rumor is that they're turning it into a 50's style diner.. because in a town with a summer time population of around 650, what you really need are six different places to buy the same greasy hamburger.

Meanwhile, back at the trailer...

The Amazon went back to the dentist.. again.. for the same tooth.. on Monday. I think she'll live to chew again now. On the way home, she got pulled over for an expired license plate. I'm embarrassed to admit how long I've been driving around with dead tags, I had to wait for my tax refund to get the taxes paid and all that jazzola. We'd planned for her to go take care of that for me on her day off this week, so now she can just run across the road to the county courthouse, show proof that she's paid everything and hopefully get the $140 ticket wiped off.

Hopefully. That's what Officer Supernice said anyway.

I'd just like to add here that it amuses the hell out of me that I could drive across the country, violating various traffic regulations all along the way and still manage to avoid getting pulled over. The Amazon? She walks out the door and even looks like she might drive somewhere and blue lights start flashing.

Cracks me right up.


The other night Ma cornered me in the kitchen and started interrogating me about my "plans" again. This time she's decided that I'm going to run off to live in another country with some man I've met on the internet (who are all axe murderers by the way... well other than the one my trashy big-boobed cousin with the lazy eye picked up on a dating site, then drove to N.Y. to "fetch." Apparently he walks on water, which he may or may not later turn to wine...) She also adamantly informed me that she didn't need anyone to take care of her, that she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself and if I wanted to "go off somewhere" I shouldn't let her stop me.

She then informed me that she hadn't eaten all day, was probably going to pass out if she didn't get right back in the bed that instant and would I bring her a Coke? Oh and would I mind running to town to pick her up some *good* crackers, like some Ritz, because those store brand saltines I bought the other day.. the entire, unopened box... looked kinda dry.

I swear, all I did to set her off was come home from work.

Here at the Asylum, it's been hectic but more of a controlled chaos than the mayhem I experienced during Bossman's last mandatory week off. When customers get their panties in a wad, I just take a deep breath, let them vent, then do the best I can to smooth things over. I'm not going to let myself get freaked out.

I reckon that's all the latest and greatest news worth repeating from Frog Pond Holler. I'm glad it's Hump Day. In honor of last night's viewing of "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything," lets hump it like Wesley Snipes in a feather boa and thigh high f*ck me boots.

Later Taters!


kenju said...

So, did you tell Ma to go to the store for her own Ritz and Coke? Since she doesn't need you to take care of her and all. Or tell her to ask the ax murderer to do it...LOL

Anonymous said...

Maybe you will be perfectly happy with an axe murderer, probably not, but who knows. You could start talking with a French accent just to drive her nuts.