Charlie Chaplin's Time Travel Mystery

The footage included in the video above is supposedly extra film taken on set during the shooting of a Charlie Chaplin movie in the 1920's. It's causing a mini stir on the web, due to what appears to be someone strolling by the camera talking on a cellphone.

What do you think?
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Of Communes, Citizens Arrests and Follically Related Issues

There is so much to tell. I don't know where to start or which direction to head. Prepare yourself for some chaotic rambling.

Ma is still in "the place." She's getting better every day, better than she's been in years. She says she knows she needed help and is happy to be there, as long as we don't leave her there indefinitely or let them put her outside picking up trash by the side of the road.

Obviously there are still some issues.

One of her doctors called the other day and we discussed things at length, like the past, how long she's been depressed and her inability to distinguish between imagination and reality. The decision was made to keep her there for the maximum allowed (two weeks) to give them the opportunity to adjust her medications and set up some kind of out patient treatment program for her.

If she can spend the end of her life free of the memories that have haunted her all these years, the chaos of recent weeks will have been worth it.

In other news....

My house looks like it's been broken into and ransacked by angry pygmies. T.A. and I both have been so physically and emotionally drained, we both just kinda sit around and stare into space whenever we get the chance. Hopefully we can muster the energy to get some stuff done in the next day or two.

Aunt Moses calls constantly, wanting to talk smack about Ma so she can run all over town and spread her version of the facts. It's all I can do to keep from ripping into her.

But I reckon she can't help it. Her crazy has been showing a lot lately.

According to Thelma, Aunt Moses flagged the town cop down the other day and told him he needed to go chase down a white truck that she said was driving recklessly. When he didn't move fast enough, she hopped in her truck and took off after him herself, causing the town cop (Thelma's Bubbahubby) to have to choose which of them to pull over first. Unfortunately, Aunt Moses was closest... and he'd actually seen her drive recklessly.

Maybe I should start calling her "Aunt Gomer" instead:







Other stuff that's happened in the past week or so that I've not had time to share:

• I was asked to meet the Big Headed German and the Cutie Patootie at a Big City bar last weekend to hear a killer classic rock band, but had to turn it down because of Ma. It's a good thing though, that much temptation mixed with alcohol when I've not had drink nor nookie in years was probably asking for trouble.
• Pupzilla ate one of my good bras
• I finally got mother effin' tires put on my mother effin' truck. Halloweffinlooyah.
• I damn near got in a fight with a racist/homophobe cashier down at the Dollar General in front of a whole store full of people, including Bubbles. I know the people in question are just ignorant assholes and probably don't even have enough effin' sense to realize how offensive they are, but dang I sure wanted to be the one to give them an education. 
• I bought new shoes. I was down to a pair of Sketcher flip flops sandals to wear to work, with snow weather just around the corner, yet I still felt I had to justify spending $30 bucks on some loafers. If said loafers were anything technology related, I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. Apparently I still have a few issues.
• I've not had my nails done in so long that I may have to register them as lethal weapons. Thank goodness it's almost payday and I have tires. I didn't want to ask T.A. for a ride to the nail salon when she was already having to run me all over the place. 
• Also? The hag hair situation has reached epic proportions. I have to get it cut. Soon. And shave/pluck/wax some things. Or find me a man named Wheat Germ Jim and start my own commune.

I guess that's all for now. I'll try to keep ya'll posted. Hang in there. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!!
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Quickie!!

One of the psychiatrists from the hospital called yesterday to ask me how long Ma had been battling depression. She was considering releasing her from the hospital with plans for out patient therapy. When I finished being a big tattle-tale, Ma was admitted to the psych ward for a short stay against her will.

The Amazon has been walking around muttering, "So mad. She's gonna be so mad," ever since.

I called the nurse's station last night, resulting in a giant knot in my gut when the nurse said Ma was upset because she didn't understand why she was there. I'm not sure if it was the guilt knot or the onions on the salad I'd had earlier, but last night turned into a barf fest of epic proportions.

I suck at being the grown up.

I'm still sending my resume around, but I'm being picky. T.A. is trying to get on at the hospital in the evenings. It would mean alot more money for her, benefits and a little taste of life outside the holler.

So yeah. That's how things are now. 

We'll get caught up with other stuff sometime this week. In the meantime, ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!!

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Oh Thursday How I Loathe Thee...

Let me count the ways:

1. I woke up to face a dark, black abyss where the glowing red numbers of my digital clock usually reside. Luckily my Crackberry alarm was going off.
2. But my Crackberry wasn't fully charged. After further investigation, it was determined that Pupzilla entertained herself in the wee hours of the night, playing with the extension cord under my dresser. She managed to unplug the clock and chew through the charger cord for my phone. 
3. A new charger from the Verizon store in Scary Hillbilly Town was going to be over $30. But I can't drive to Scary Hillbilly Town, see number 5.
4. I can order a new charger for $5 from Amazon, but to have it rush shipped is $30. 
5. The tires that were back ordered two weeks ago and were supposed to ship on the 19th, did not. I emailed the company and was told that they were "hopeful" that they would be shipped in "the next few weeks."
6. I convinced T.A. to drive to Scary Hillbilly Town after work to get a charger for my phone, but when I tried to check my account to make sure I still HAD $30 for a $2 piece of wire, the site for my bank was down for maintenance. 
7. Yoda pooped in the floor.
8. My long distance, puter based, sorta relationship kinda guy-friend-thingie wrecked his SUV yesterday morning. He's ok.. he says.. but.. well.. lets just add that to the list.
9. T.A. says she thinks she's getting sick.
10. Yesterday I applied for a job at a bank. I once swore I'd scrub toilets in a men's prison infirmary before I'd work at a bank again. I love my job THAT much.

In other news, Ma is on the mend, for which I'm thankful. Meds are being changed, mental health professionals are being consulted, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I ended up finding a new charger for my phone at the Dollar General for $8. God bless you Dollar General.

I found four slightly lower quality tires for a bit more money in Scary Hillbilly Town, but I won't have to pay for shipping and I get a $100 rebate. T.A. is going to go pick them up after work. The company I placed the original order with has been notified to cancel my order. Don't buy tires from online companies who are named after Star Trek species that rhyme with MULCAN.

It's only 1:26 PM. It ain't over yet and I don't feel like singing.

Later Taters.
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It Just Keeps Getting Better

My desk looks like the paper monster barfed all over it. I'd send you a picture of the carnage but Flickr and my Crackberry are having relationship issues.

Maybe I should get them counseling?

After a night of seeing dismembered babies in trash bags, The Amazon was finally able to cajole Ma into going to the E.R. Monday afternoon. I urged her to take her as soon as she got off instead of waiting for me and because I'm STILL waiting for stupid tires, I had to go home after work and let T.A. handle things.

Thank God for her.

Ma was admitted on the verge of kidney failure. She's convinced everyone's trying to hurt her and the last time I checked she was being restrained to stop her from ripping out her IV again. I went to see her last night, but her nurse met me at her door and said, "She is asleep. Please let her sleep."

The nurse looked like she'd been exorcising demons for the past 48 hours.

Ma has a sitter in her room with her, she's being watched because she's repeatedly threatened to kill herself.

Yesterday morning when I called up there, I got a very sweet guy who informed me Ma had experienced severe chest pain when she woke up, had a drop in blood pressure, was given cardiac meds but wasn't out of the woods yet. As I nearly fell out of my chair in the throws of a massive anxiety attack, he said, "I called your brother, he's on his way up here."

"Um.. I don't have a brother," I stated.

"Oh. What's the patient's name again?" So I told him, to which he responded, "Oh my God I am so sorry to scare you like that. Hold on, let me get you her nurse."

That's when I had to take the first half of a batshit crazy emergency pill. I took the other half sometime after Bossholio left to have some tests done. He thinks he had a small stroke over the weekend, so of course he just decided to wait until this week to oh.. I don't know.. SEE A DAMN DOCTOR? It was shortly after he vacated the premises that I called the hospital for an update and learned they had Ma tied down.

I was pretty stoned by the time I left work.

Me and T.A.visited Junior, Thelma's daddy and T.A.'s boss while we were at the hospital last night. We took him his insulin pump to save Thelma a trip up there. It's a long haul to Big City, about an hour to the hospital, depending on how many tractors you get behind or if there are any livestock in the road etc.

You think I'm kidding but seriously, it's like Mayberry on Green Acres crack around here.

I was pretty shaken when we left there, seeing Ma fighting the restraints in her sleep and having the pleasure of talking to Uncle Mullet on the phone, who called while we were there. I'm pretty sure he'll be going on one of his famous seven day drunken binges now.

He's all about the drama and it's all about him.

T.A. bought us TCBY cones on the way home, because that's what us chubby girls do when we have stress. I still had to pop another pill before bed. I said effit and just swallowed a whole one. I finally slept all night, for the first time in over a week.

Anywho... that's the latest. Ya'll have an awesome Humpday. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

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Severed Heads, Twerps and Raises

It's a brisk fall day in Frog Pond Holler. The morning mist hangs over gold, crimson and rust colored mountain peaks and there's a nip in the air to remind you to set aside some wood for the winter and stock up on SPAM in case the lights go out.

Oh yeah and I'm about to lose what's left of my mutha flippen noodle.

Ma is doing better.. sorta.. but not well. She's back to getting around on her own, but every night we play 20 questions about the house we're living in, government conspiracies to flood the holler and the bomb that's being built in her bathroom upstairs. Occasionally she finds my uncle Alonzo's severed head in the trash can or  can be heard talking to the disfigured girl in the trash bag who is praying too loud and keeping Ma awake.

Try resting your head on your pillow for the night, to drift off into dreamland after having THAT discussion.

I've been sleeping on the couch so I can hear her if she decides to wander out the door to go deer hunting with a steak knife or something in the middle of the night. She was crying and wringing her hands when I got up this morning. I'm calling the clinic today to find out which location has an actual, honest to God, board certified physician working today instead of the sniveling little twerpass P.A. she saw last time. I've got no problem with seeing a physician's assistant, the last one they had was there for years and knew her stuff. It's Twerpass I have the issue with. Hopefully I can get her in to see someone and T.A. can take her when she gets off work. I can't drive anywhere out of town, Jolene STILL hasn't gotten new tires, but they're on backorder and should be here this week.

Lord willing.

And? Thelma's daddy had another stroke yesterday and had to be flown out on helicopter, so she had to take today off to be with him. Lulu was shipped off to corporate for the week for Kung Pow Karate training and Bossholio bolted out of here as soon as I showed up. He said he may or may not be back today. T.A. probably won't have a day off for a week or two, due to Thelma's daddy, who also happens to be T.A.'s boss, being in the hospital and it's Thelma who usually fills in down at the Pump N' Go when he's not there.

Confused yet?

To top it all off, my aunt had an emergency hysterectomy over the weekend. Not Aunt Moses, Aunt Cousin. Aunt Cousin is married to Ma's older brother, but she's also my 2nd or 3rd cousin on my dad's side. I'm not sure if she's related on my mamaw or papaw's side, or possibly both, because she shares the family name that also happens to be the line where mamaw and papaw were cousins.

I'm so feckin' inbred, I might possibly be my own sibling.

I almost forgot, Uncle G fell and fractured something in his back so he's even more out of it than normal.

It was not a good weekend to be related to me, apparently.

And now? The cream of the crop. The best part of the whole weekend. I got called into Bossholio's office Friday for my review. It was a total surprise because there's been a freeze on raises for over a year now and while we've heard mutterings, there's been no official word that they were being reinstated. We've never had yearly reviews like normal companies anyway, we always had to wait 18 months and the maximum we could get was a 5% increase.  They took our tiny monthly bonus away in the office, but continue to give it to the plant employees and just a few months ago, they surprised the hourly employees out on the floor with a .25 cost of living increase.

Apparently if you work in the office you can afford to live cheaper.. or somechit.

Anywho...

So I get called in and long story short, Bossholio informs me that since our "little misunderstanding" in July, I have been doing an excellent job.He actually used the word EXCELLENT. And he THANKED ME. Bossholio is apparently on some serious antipsychotic meds or possessed by forces less evil than his normal self.

Or possibly drunk..

Then? After praising me for a good 20 minutes on how feckin' awesome I am, he bestows upon me a raise. The wait for a review has now been extended to every TWO YEARS and now? The most you can get is a whopping TWO PERCENT.

TWO.

And now the fun part. MY EXCELLENT SELF DIDN'T EVEN GET THE WHOLE TWO PERCENT.

One. And. A Half.

Soooooo.... this weekend, in between the imagined bagged bodies and severed heads, I updated my resume and submitted it to two companies. I'm to the point that I don't even care if I can find a job making more money, just as long as I can leave there each day with an inkling of self respect left. Honest to Pete, to continue the freeze on raises would have been less insulting than what I got.

Seriously, my life is a big whopping can of WTF? lately.

On a totally unrelated note, I set this up this weekend. Because they always make you do arts and crafts at the nervous hospital and I need to practice up.

So um.. how was your weekend?

Let's kick this Monday in the ass. Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

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It's a Jerry Springer Kinda Life

I've been home with Ma for the past two days. Ya'll won't believe I'm saying this but, it sure is good to be back at work.

The crazy train came to complete stop at our house late Sunday night. I got up around 3 to put Ayla outside because she wouldn't shut up and found The Amazon sitting on the couch with her head in her hands and Ma at the kitchen table with a bad case of the crazy eye, looking very pissed off. The police chief had just left, with Thelma's husband in tow. Ma had called them to say there was a prowler in the house. T.A. woke up to the police chief at her bedroom door and a flashlight shining in her face.

Apparently I slept through the whole thing.

Ma had greeted them at the door carrying a big butcher knife, took scissors to a five dollar bill and pointed them in the direction of my room when asked where the prowler was.

What if I'd heard them and decided to come strolling out of there half naked, being led by a very hyper Pupzilla?

There would have been carnage ya'll, complete with the spraying of assorted bodily fluids.

We finally talked her in to a doctor's visit Monday, but we only saw the twerpy little snarkassed P.A. I tried as best I could to tell him that she's crazy as hell but he insisted she probably just had a UTI and gave her antibiotics.

Of course, now she's way better, so Twerpysnarkass was right, as far as the seeing gorillas and turkeys and me sleeping with everyone in town goes. But unless she's had a flaming UTI for the past 30 years, there are still issues that need to be addressed.

They did some blood tests yesterday. We're supposed to have the results back tomorrow. In the mean time, T.A. bought one of those little pill dividers and we've taken over making sure she takes what she's supposed to. Sometimes she wakes up and thinks it's a new day and takes all her drugs all over again, which may be a big chunk of her problem.

Anywho... that's my week so far.

The work isn't piled up too bad here at The Asylum. Thelma and Bossholio kept my orders caught up and all I have to deal with is the aftermath. For this I am thankful.

It's nice to start the work week with Humpday. I'm entirely too tired to hump any damn thing, so let's just take it easy and put it on cruise control. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

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Looking Forward to Monday. It's That Bad.

It's been a crazy weekend. Literally.

I took this shot of the creek that winds it's way through town while out on my walk with Pupzilla Saturday morning. She met some bikers and tourists, exchanged smooches with some old folks, then we sat out in front of the Pump N' Go with The Amazon while business was slow and chit chatted about everyone in town.

When I got back home, Ma accused me of running off to town for a little slap and tickle rendezvous.

I wasn't gone an hour.

Then, she woke us up around 3, telling me and  T.A. to get up, there was a man having sex with some dogs out in the yard under the locust tree. Needless to say, that mental image, combined with hearing her wander around the house all hours, pretty much ruled out any chance of sleep for me.

Today, as T.A. entertained some college friends from G'boro, Ma decided to come sit in the kitchen and welcome them. Sometimes, Ma goes for days that she doesn't leave her room at all, but today, when there was company, she wanted to visit.

Luckily, it wasn't until after they left with T.A. that Ma noticed the gorilla whipping out his winky and taking a big wizz in the front yard.

She spent the rest of the afternoon walking around with her clean undies in a plastic bag, waiting for the men to come back to take her to the nervous hospital.

I think we've finally convinced here to go back to the doctor. If we can't get her drugs straight, I'm gonna need extra to keep from locking her in the closet.

Sooo yeah. That's my weekend so far. I hope yours was at least a little less craptastic.

I'm almost looking forward to Monday. Ya'll hang in there. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!
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Batten Down the Hatches

The air has finally turned cool for the long haul here in Frog Pond Holler. For this I am truly thankful.

After last year's battle with the snow, half of December without electricity and last week's little reminder, The Amazon and I have been trying to get prepared. I picked up a clearance rack BBQ grill with the groceries on Saturday. Now we can cook without my having to squat in an unladylike manner in front of the fireplace for extended periods of time, leaving me to stagger around like Quasimodo for days on end. We're slowly building up our stock of batteries, the front porch is full of wood and I just ordered my new phone, this time with internet access.

I have my priorities.

I also ordered four new tires for Jolene. Which, her existing tires all have wires hanging out of them, so that wasn't really in preparation for the weather, but they're on their way before the weather hits. I got Pirelli tires, I think I got a good deal, but who knows really. I ordered them off some website. Keep your fingers crossed.

Also this weekend, I made a new coupon system.. thingie. While I adore my Pooh Bear coupon binder, The Amazon admitted that she found it embarrassing to walk into the store with me toting it around like a 44 year old preschooler. Plus, I'd stopped using it because the tedious task of folding the coupons to fit in those little tiny plastic pockets was using up too much of my life that I'll never get back AND we hardly ever get a Sunday paper anymore. I stopped my subscription after the convicted murderer/delivery person left threats against me on my phone because I complained about her.

 Now days I print coupons off the internet, less trees have to die and I access the same coupons that come in the paper, from Redplum and Smart Source. I bought a little plastic box for a dollar and some index cards, made my own filing system and had it ready to roll in minutes.

Of course, now I have a shitload of those plastic sheets that baseball cards fit in. I imagine I'll find a use for them eventually.

Anywho, ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

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