Severed Heads, Twerps and Raises


It's a brisk fall day in Frog Pond Holler. The morning mist hangs over gold, crimson and rust colored mountain peaks and there's a nip in the air to remind you to set aside some wood for the winter and stock up on SPAM in case the lights go out.

Oh yeah and I'm about to lose what's left of my mutha flippen noodle.

Ma is doing better.. sorta.. but not well. She's back to getting around on her own, but every night we play 20 questions about the house we're living in, government conspiracies to flood the holler and the bomb that's being built in her bathroom upstairs. Occasionally she finds my uncle Alonzo's severed head in the trash can or  can be heard talking to the disfigured girl in the trash bag who is praying too loud and keeping Ma awake.

Try resting your head on your pillow for the night, to drift off into dreamland after having THAT discussion.

I've been sleeping on the couch so I can hear her if she decides to wander out the door to go deer hunting with a steak knife or something in the middle of the night. She was crying and wringing her hands when I got up this morning. I'm calling the clinic today to find out which location has an actual, honest to God, board certified physician working today instead of the sniveling little twerpass P.A. she saw last time. I've got no problem with seeing a physician's assistant, the last one they had was there for years and knew her stuff. It's Twerpass I have the issue with. Hopefully I can get her in to see someone and T.A. can take her when she gets off work. I can't drive anywhere out of town, Jolene STILL hasn't gotten new tires, but they're on backorder and should be here this week.

Lord willing.

And? Thelma's daddy had another stroke yesterday and had to be flown out on helicopter, so she had to take today off to be with him. Lulu was shipped off to corporate for the week for Kung Pow Karate training and Bossholio bolted out of here as soon as I showed up. He said he may or may not be back today. T.A. probably won't have a day off for a week or two, due to Thelma's daddy, who also happens to be T.A.'s boss, being in the hospital and it's Thelma who usually fills in down at the Pump N' Go when he's not there.

Confused yet?

To top it all off, my aunt had an emergency hysterectomy over the weekend. Not Aunt Moses, Aunt Cousin. Aunt Cousin is married to Ma's older brother, but she's also my 2nd or 3rd cousin on my dad's side. I'm not sure if she's related on my mamaw or papaw's side, or possibly both, because she shares the family name that also happens to be the line where mamaw and papaw were cousins.

I'm so feckin' inbred, I might possibly be my own sibling.

I almost forgot, Uncle G fell and fractured something in his back so he's even more out of it than normal.

It was not a good weekend to be related to me, apparently.

And now? The cream of the crop. The best part of the whole weekend. I got called into Bossholio's office Friday for my review. It was a total surprise because there's been a freeze on raises for over a year now and while we've heard mutterings, there's been no official word that they were being reinstated. We've never had yearly reviews like normal companies anyway, we always had to wait 18 months and the maximum we could get was a 5% increase.  They took our tiny monthly bonus away in the office, but continue to give it to the plant employees and just a few months ago, they surprised the hourly employees out on the floor with a .25 cost of living increase.

Apparently if you work in the office you can afford to live cheaper.. or somechit.

Anywho...

So I get called in and long story short, Bossholio informs me that since our "little misunderstanding" in July, I have been doing an excellent job.He actually used the word EXCELLENT. And he THANKED ME. Bossholio is apparently on some serious antipsychotic meds or possessed by forces less evil than his normal self.

Or possibly drunk..

Then? After praising me for a good 20 minutes on how feckin' awesome I am, he bestows upon me a raise. The wait for a review has now been extended to every TWO YEARS and now? The most you can get is a whopping TWO PERCENT.

TWO.

And now the fun part. MY EXCELLENT SELF DIDN'T EVEN GET THE WHOLE TWO PERCENT.

One. And. A Half.

Soooooo.... this weekend, in between the imagined bagged bodies and severed heads, I updated my resume and submitted it to two companies. I'm to the point that I don't even care if I can find a job making more money, just as long as I can leave there each day with an inkling of self respect left. Honest to Pete, to continue the freeze on raises would have been less insulting than what I got.

Seriously, my life is a big whopping can of WTF? lately.

On a totally unrelated note, I set this up this weekend. Because they always make you do arts and crafts at the nervous hospital and I need to practice up.

So um.. how was your weekend?

Let's kick this Monday in the ass. Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!


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