Not a Nature Girl

I'm not sure why, but yesterday I got into a long, involved conversation with one of my customers on the subject of using the bathroom outside. No.. wait.. I guess you can't call it "using the bathroom" if you're squatting in the bushes at the side of the road.

Believe it or not, this is a hot topic of conversation between Lulu and I. Although she's quite prim and proper about most things, she doesn't give a second thought to hopping out of the truck and communing with nature when the need arises. I'm constantly amazed by this, I've never tried it and I don't see how it's possible, being of the female persuasion, to have a "go" and not thoroughly wet all your clothing in the process.

Back in my drinking days, when my friend Deneene and I would drive all over creation to attend Def Leppard concerts, we used to get pretty chit faced. Deneene, who could be really loud and obnoxious when she'd had a few, would suddenly begin screaming as we flew up I-64, "OH MY GAWD I GOTTA PISS.. NOW!" so I'd pull over to the emergency lane and she'd drop her drawers and squat right there, to the delight of passing truck drivers.

I really miss that girl.

Anywho, the customer I was speaking with offered to give me detailed instructions should I decide to try it out. She said she learned when she'd go camping with all her women friends and they'd get too drunk to make it back to the cabin to pee. I told her it was okay. I'd made it this long without having to do it, I'm sure I could go the rest of my life without that particular piece of knowledge.

I can just imagine me losing my balance, teetering over and unable to stand with my britches around my ankles, rolling down hill (because around here, everything is on a hill) and into oncoming traffic, flashing my naughty bits to all of Frog Pond Holler.

Nobody wants that.

Anywho...

Lawd have mercy it's Humpday. We've already had phones down this week, then phones working but only half way and we lost the internet and access to our inventory control system for half a day yesterday.

Today has GOT to be better.

Ya'll have a good one and hump it like a penguin, because that's how cold it is in this office.

Later Taters!

1st the phones were down, now the web and mapics are borked all to hell. This is me trying to work

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When Darkness Falls

I know I'm going to regret saying this, but after the past week, I can not wait to go back to work tomorrow. Be sure to remind me of this around lunchtime when I start whining that I want to go home.

Our electricity started flickering early Friday evening, shortly after the snow began to fall. I rushed to run the dishwasher and fix dinner because I knew they were gonna go.. and sure enough, the lights went out around 10pm. They stayed out until the following Tuesday afternoon, I worked on Wednesday, then the power died again on Christmas Eve, a result of a different storm bringing ice and high winds. We finally got back to the 21st century Christmas night.

I'm not going to mince words. By the time it was over, I was one hateful bitch. I didn't kill anyone, but I thought about it. Yesterday morning I snuck out of the house, went to Big City, got my hair cut, shopped and blew money I couldn't afford.

And I don't care. It was get out or lose my mind.

Anywho.. during the power outage, I complied a list of things I learned during my adventure. It's not that I was looking for a touchy feely spiritual experience in the midst of the mayhem, I was just trying not to go completely over the edge or think about how dark it was.

Things you learn when the lights go out.. for a long time.. and you're already a little batshit crazy:

• No amount of sink baths will take away certain body odors for very long. They need to invent body Febreeze for the nether regions. I am so not joking.
• An absence of electricity means there is no fart fan in the bathroom. When you live in a single wide trailer with the bathroom near the front entrance, a nice, healthy, daily... event.. will deter intruders and cause your adult child to squeal like Jerry Clower when she comes in from work.
• When you are cold and down to your last Duraflame log, even the most upstanding citizen will resort to walking around the rental cabin across the road, looking for some firewood on the back porch. The Amazon referred to this as "looting." I called it "trying to keep my nipples from falling off."
• Spam, fried in a cast iron skillet over an open flame, is pretty darn tasty.. for the first day or two.
• Chinet paper plates are the best kindling ever. Especially when pre-soaked with fried Spam.
• Don't panic when your dish washing liquid freezes. Just tell yourself it's because it sits by the window where it's colder.
• Don't worry about when it's time to give up and toss out everything in the fridge. It will let you know when it had been too long. There will be no doubt.
• People will lie and tell you anything just to watch your eyeballs bulge out of your head. Stuff like, it's impossible to get out of town and it'll be another two weeks before they even START on getting power restored to the holler. Feel free to take a piece of firewood to their knee cap when they start talking.
• Assign a home for the flashlight and make sure everyone knows where it is supposed to go. This is important when you need it to use the bathroom at 3a.m. and it's so mother feckin' dark you think you're in the throws of Armageddon.
• You know those had warmer things you can buy at the checkout line at Wally World? Someone needs to make those for the toilet seat. Your butt is gonna freeze.
• Pets will get just as freaked out and stir crazy as the rest of you. When the cat gets that look in her eye, goes all kittywampus and shreds the shower curtain, then goes around collecting garbage to hide in the bath tub, be afraid. Very afraid.
• She also stashed old Redbook magazines in her litter box. I am so not making this up.
• Waking up in the middle of the night and checking your cellphone (for just a little bit of light, to keep from going nuts) and finding silly text messages from a friend will make you feel alot better, just when  you're about to give up.
• When part of the area gets power restored, family members will abandon you in a hot minute when offered a steamy shower at the home of their lucky friends.

Take these hints to heart and you'll be prepared when, God forbid, you're left for a week without electricity. I'm shopping for a solar powered cell phone charger, if you know of a good one, let me know.

I hope ya'll have a booty kicking week. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Snow

The power is back on.. again.. finally. I'm completely ditzed out and I don't dare try to form more than one or two sentences at a time.

So.. here are pictures. Enjoy. I shall return.. if the electricity holds out.



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An Early Morning Quickie

I don't know if ya'll heard, but it snowed like a mother humper in the holler over the weekend. We were without electricity from Friday night around 10ish until around 5 yesterday. I promise to give ya'll the lowdown on all the perilous adventures, sleeping arrangements and various body odors, but right now I'm up to my butt hairs in work at the Cubicle Asylum and I gotta get caught up.

Caught up.. that was a joke. Ha.

I gotta make a dent in this hellacious pile of paper.

Anywho, so hold on to your seats, if the power holds out, I'll get ya'll filled in on the latest sometime over the next four days that I'm off.

We'll talk again soon. Promise.

Later Taters!!

Frosty Glass and Flame Grilled

It's a little bit nipply here in Frog Pond Holler today. Jolene's windshield had a layer of frost that I was too lazy to scrape, so I grabbed the jug of yellow de-frosting stuff and slung some of it on the ice, then hit it with the wipers.

I never seem to get around to putting it in the wiper fluid thingie.

I'm still getting off at three on Tuesdays, even though I only go to the noggin doc once a month now, so yesterday I headed to Wally World after work to pick up some stuff I ordered and had shipped to the store. I needed to pick up some groceries too, we were out of everything, but by the time I crammed four 8 packs of Coke and a case of bottled water in the cart, plus the large package I picked up, I thought I was going to have to get a second cart to drag behind me.

Luckily it didn't come to that.

I'm still going to have to go back sometime this week to pick up the toaster oven I ordered. The one they had online was way cheaper than what was in the store, so I ordered it, using ebates then had it shipped to Wally World. I ended up with a pretty nifty deal that way.  I just wanted an el cheapo one for baking clay. I can use the regular oven, but when I leave my little creations out to cool, Ma sometimes thinks they're cookies and once she took the foil I use to keep the fumes from getting in the oven and used it to wrap a sandwich to put in the fridge.

So yeah. All artsy fartsy crafty things are being moved to the bedroom.

The Amazon surprised me with some chrome flame grille inserts for Jolene yesterday. I've told her how I used to dream of having my own truck when I was a kid and how I'd get my father's parts catalogs and pick out all sortsa chrome junk to put on it. That and the red velvet cake she made were the fixins for a mighty fine birthday.

I'm riding in style now.. Boy Howdy!

Anywho...

It's Humpday ya'll. Hump it like Bo and Luke Duke runnin' shine in Uncle Jesse's truck. Be sure and let out a Yee-Haw or six while you do it.

We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Why I'm In Therapy

I've spent most of my three day weekend being ticked off at Ma. I know, I shouldn't waste my valuable time this way, but old habits die hard.

I had planned to work on some clay stuff, blog, do some online shopping and other than the absolutely necessary domestic tasks, take it kinda easy. Last week at the Asylum had thoroughly kicked my keister and I needed a break. I think I booked close to 150K while working only 26 hours. I was a tired punkin. Besides, these Fridays off are what's left of my 2009 vacation. I'd like to actually enjoy some of it. It's going to kill me to work a full week again once January rolls around.

The overnight lows here in the holler Thursday evening hovered around 17° so when I woke up to a chilly bedroom Friday morning, being snuggled to death by two dogs and a cat, I wasn't too worried. I've recently rearranged the bedroom to make room for the computer and the bed is sitting over the vent. It didn't dawn on me that I needed to close the vent until after I moved the bed, so I've been doing alot of hanging over the edge with my big butt hiked up in the air, trying to shove crap over it.

(Yes, I'm aware that it would be simpler to move the bed out of the way and fix the vent. "Simple" doesn't usually occur to me until long after the task is accomplished.)

So yeah, the chilly bedroom implied that I'd finally shoved the right crap in the right direction and the vent was now covered. Yay.

I got up and staggered to the back door, where I shoved two very unwilling mutts out to do their business, noticing that it was colder than usual in the rest of the house too. Ma usually gets up in the middle of the night and cranks the thermostat up to the "Burning Hellfire" setting, thinking I won't notice. I guessed she must have slept through the night this time.

I sat down with my coffee, thankful to be off work and looking forward to a peaceful three days to recharge my battery. The wind bent the trees outside my window, gray clouds moved in. I pulled a throw over me, panicking slightly when the heat didn't kick on.

Maybe the Amazon got too hot when she got up to get ready for work and turned it down. I checked the thermostat. The heat was off.

What the hell? Do these people not realize it's December?

So I texted the Amazon down at the Pump n' Go, asking if she had turned the heat off. "Yes," she replied. "We're out of oil."

Now, before I go any further, I have to backtrack a little. When Ozzy was sick, me and the Amazon added to the dog lot, using kennel panels. The back three forths of our lot is on a hill, so there's not alot of room between the back of the trailer and where the incline begins, so the kennel had to sit at an angle, blocking access to the oil tank.

Ma has obsessed over this since August. She asked me almost every damned day when I was going to move it. Moving it was going to require some digging and honestly, I wasn't in any hurry to do it. Besides, we just filled the oil tank last spring, I knew it was almost full.

There was no rush.

Anyway, so Friday morning, while I lay sleeping, the Amazon and Ma had some big brouhaha over the heat. Ma said the tank was empty and we were all going to freeze because they couldn't get to the tank. She had the Amazon all in a wad before she went to work. When the Amazon told her just wait until she got off work, that she'd move the kennel, Ma told her not to worry about it. She'd just let them bring that big, greasy pump through the front door and stick it out the window.

I think not.

So then, I was pissed. No.. I was livid. I got dressed, went outside, took the kennel apart and ripped a branch off a tree to use as a measure, then stuck it down in the oil tank as far as it would go. While experiencing just a touch of the batshit crazy, I marched back in the house, gripping the oily stick in my fist, stomping into Ma's room.

"Cut on your light," I said, in a calm, almost scary voice.

"Wuh?" she answered, pretending to be asleep.

"Turn it on, I want to make sure you can see this." Ma turned her lamp on and looked up at me standing there, crazy eyed and gripping the tree branch in my hand. Anyone with any sense would probably have been scared witless, but Ma? She giggled. "Do you see this? The oil tank is FULL."

"Oh, it must have made a noise like it was running out of oil or something. You know I get confused," she said, smiling slightly.

There is a special place in heaven for me. I know it, because she's still alive.

Anywho, since I had the whole mother feckin' thing taken apart, I figured I might as well fix it. I didn't move the kennel much, although I did drop a big 10 x 6 panel on my head, rip a ginormous hole in my pants and get my foot stuck in some ivy. I switched some panels around so that the delivery guy can come through the kennel and go out a side gate to the tank. I had to wait for the Amazon to get home to help me finish. I just don't have any strength in my hands anymore.

While we were out there, we moved the spiffy new doghouse she had built from a kit for Ozzy to enjoy when he got better, which ya'll know.. didn't happen. As we moved it, I looked up at her and asked, "Doesn't it make you sad there's no one to live in it?"

She looked at me and very sharply answered, "NO."

Well, that did me in. It was all I could do to keep it together long enough to finish up and go back in the house. I laid in bed for two hours, pissed that I had let Ma manipulate me one more time, sad for my dog and wallering in self pity.

Oh did I mention that Aunt Flo had finally showed up? Yeah..It's been a two weeker. That's when she brings her sisters Crampy, Bloatilla and Walleretta.

I have not been a joy to be around. They're starting to get on my nerves.

Anywho.. Ma left me alone for the most part yesterday, but she came in the living room this morning and announced that "someone" needed to go buy groceries. That's my new name. Someone. I know it's me, because she says it when there's no one here but me and the dogs. I just got up and walked off. There's food to fix.

Thank God for medication.

If you need me, I'll be lounging around the house in various stages of undress.. doing absofeckinglutely nothing for the rest of the day.

I hope ya'll can do the same.

Later Taters!

Getting In the Spirit

Have mercy. I've been trying to write this all freakin' day, but I've been up to my butt in orders at the Asylum and the phone.. I'll have nightmares about a giant ringing phone chasing me over the mountain tonight, I just know it.

It's good to be busy and that satisfaction I felt when I could tell Bossman I booked over 38K yesterday was great. He was off today, but greeting him at the door with today's 64K total when he comes in tomorrow morning... will be priceless.

Hmm.. that sounds a little like I need his approval to feel good about myself. I hope not.

Speaking of feeling good, yesterday was noggin doc day. As she scheduled my next appointment, she suggested I cut back to every four weeks. It's a good sign. I might find all my marbles after all.

Here in the holler, the sad little Christmas decorations are up, making me thankful to be on medication. If you have any tendency towards holiday depression, those lopsided, silver tinseled monstrosities flopping against the telephone poles in the wind will send you running to the river bridge to toss yourself over the edge.

The painted plywood manger scene is a real crowd pleaser too.

Sorry, I'm just not all about the quaint, small town Christmas. Give me traffic, flashing lights, obnoxious caroles being blasted through mall speakers and hopeful little snotty nosed kidlets sneezing, coughing and crying as they wait for hours to see the jolly old elf himself, who, in reality, may or may not be wanted in six states for writing bad checks and selling imitation designer bags at the flea market.

The Amazon tries though, bless her heart. She insisted that we put the tree up. I think I paid $2.50 for it after Christmas at the dollar store last year. We have a big one, but it won't fit anywhere. She decorated the mantle with lights and garland, it looked really nice.

It almost put me in the Christmas spirit, but then.. Sammy left a big steaming pile of um... biologically processed dog food.. right in the middle of the hearth.

Today I came home to find she'd put lights up outside, around the porch, which really frame and bring out the beauty of the old washing machine that's still sitting out there.

That's right. It's still there.

When I mentioned how lovely the lights looked reflecting off it's pretty white finish, she got a scary look in her eye, then threatened to open the lid and hang a wreath.

"Oh hell, why don't you just go ahead and wrap a bunch of lights around the washing machine?"

The Amazon hiked her blue jeans up a little, sucking her teeth and cocking her head a little to the side as she said, "Wa-ell.. ya see.. we don't want to seem prideful in front of the neighbors."

And that.. is how I know they handed me the right kid at the hospital.

Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

It's Monday, A Day of Rest

Do ya'll remember the other day when I insisted that there would be pictures from the Frog Pond Holler Christmas parade today?

Well, I have failed ya'll again.

*hangs head in shame*

I was all gung-ho and ready to go on Saturday, but then we had that nasty winter storm warning and it was snowing buckets (but not laying) and blowing around like a blizzard so they postponed the parade. I ended up spending Saturday dong a kajillion loads of laundry. Ma has been hiding stuff again. If you'll recall, when she was due to come home from the hospital a few months ago, I spent most the better part of an entire weekend trying to get her room cleaned up.

Now? It's like it wasn't ever touched.

By Sunday morning, my butt was whipped.. and not in a kinky, stimulating kinda way either.

The parade was rescheduled for Sunday afternoon, but I just couldn't motivate myself to get dressed and walk to town. So.. there are no pictures. If it's any consolation, I'm told I didn't miss much.

I did get a second wind around 3 or 4 yesterday afternoon. I moved furniture from the bedroom to the living room, moved my bed, nearly killing the cat in the process, while Sammy and his 47 pound beagly be-hind lounged on my mattress like Cleopatra, and moved my computer and all it's junk into the bedroom. There was much vacuuming, emptying of aquariums and mopping of sweaty boobage.

I didn't finish, but I got damned near close.

Somewhere in between there I made a meatloaf.

Today, my butt is still kinda whipped, but I'm thankful to be at work where I can sit, sip coffee and listen the radio while I shuffle papers and peck away on the keyboard. I need the rest.

I hope ya'll have a good one. I'm gonna get to work and try to earn some brownie points.

We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

All Rooted and Ready to Flush

I thought I was going to have to change my name to Dorothy yesterday. The wind whipped through the holler, taking trees down by the roots and sending garbage cans swirling along the road. It was awesome. I love strong weather of any kind.. it makes me feel alive.

When I got home Tuesday, the Rooter truck was sitting in the driveway and the plumber guy already had a pipe snake running almost to the road. He looked sorta like Patrick Swayze, only with a faux hawk and a tongue piercing. When he spoke, he sorta reminded me of David Lee Roth, his expression becoming animated as he explained the principles of sludge removal and the inner workings of sewage, storm water drainage and what happens to toilet paper when combined with poo in a stagnant environment.

The boy knew his sludge.

When it was all said and done, we could flush and wash clothes without causing a poo puddle in the tubs. I'm going to see if I can find something to pour in the drains to keep everything flushed out. Apparently when it rains alot it causes a sort of backwash from the town lines into ours, which is why everyone on our little end of the road has so many problems. It's sorta like living in the bottom of a bowl.

You've heard the expression "crap rolls downhill?"

Yeah. Anywho..

Remember the wonky molar that kept giving me fits? The last time I went to the dentist, he determined it was actually my gums causing the problem, that the tooth was fine. Well, the fine and dandy molar is now split in half. I can wiggle part of it around. It doesn't hurt yet.. but I have a feeling it's gonna.

This weekend is the big Frog Pond Holler parade. I never did get to post the pictures I took with the Amazon's camera last year. In preparation, I plan on making sure I've got two sets of charged and ready batteries this time. THERE WILL BE PICTURES DARN IT!

I reckon I should get to work now. I'm off tomorrow, trying to burn up that vacation time before the end of the year. Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

The Latest

Let's just say to hell with the polite introductions and get down to business, shall we? There's some catching up we need to do. Sit. Pour. Sip.

Here we go:

The Amazon: Walking Tall

Why is she walking? Because she's not driving, not her own vehicle anyway. She wasn't approved for credit to buy the nearly 6 year old, slightly musty smelling pick up truck with 74K miles, even with a 2K down payment. My offer to co-sign didn't help. I reckon when the finance nazis credit people looked at my income and considered what I already owe, they deemed it impossible for me to make ends meet. Sadly, they're not aware of my juggling talents, my coupon ninja skizzles nor my ability to make money magically appear right before they send a cut off notice.

So for now, she's hoofing it around town and taking Jolene when she needs to go to Big City.

I'm walking around with my medicated smile, telling everyone that everything happens for a reason, but deep down, it pisses me RIGHT off. It's not fair. She's a good kid. She pays her bills and she works hard. And honestly? I feel like a piece of crap because I can't buy it for her.

Old Faithful Has Nothing On Us

There's something disturbing about taking your morning shower, your head covered with soft, citrus scented suds, lost in your thoughts of a tall, dark, handsome man and hearing the gently perculating sound of the coffee pot.. then remembering that coffee pots don't do that anymore and realizing the sound is coming from your toilet.

Brushing your teeth becomes an adventure when half way through, water starts bubbling up in the bathtub, making that angry, gurgling noise just before spewing all sorts of nasty, brown substances all over your freshly scrubbed tub.

We just had the dudes with the uber rooter hickey out here in the spring. We paid them a small fortune to clear the line, ripping out a tree root and making our lives flushable again. Now they must return.

Seriously? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? I'm feeling a little punked.

Do you have ANY idea what it's like to put off buying a decent washer for like.. two years.. then finally getting one and not being able to use it because when it drains it causes a hellacious shit storm in both the bathtubs?

But I keep smiling.

43 is Kicking My Ass

I hate to whine.. honestly.. but since I seem to be on a roll, what the hell, right? My FMF (aka Familial Mediterranean Fever, Armenian Disease, Recurrent polyserositis, pick one) flared up about a month and a half ago and hasn't calmed down at all. It's not as bad as it was before treatment, but still.. it's Not. Going. Away.

Prepare yourself. I'm fixin' to enter into some serious TMI territory.

Attacks are always worse when it's time for Aunt Flo, but she's being a real bitch lately and keeps acting like she's going to show up.. ya know.. sending her luggage, calling to make sure I've her room ready, but then she never gets here. I see her run right up to the door, then she rings the bell, turns and runs, giggling insanely,  back into the woods. She's done this like.. three times lately and it's starting to tick me off.

In the mean time, the FMF has my hands feeling like this:

And my back and legs? They're acting a lot like this:

Please don't tell me I'm "getting to be that age" where Aunt Flo is going to start acting stupid and that it's "just a part of getting older" because in my current perpetual state of turbo bitchiness, I'm probably not going to take it well.

Other Odds, Ends and Tidbits

• I still don't have a new job, although I am still looking.
• Bossman is still a ginourmous, steaming pile of buttmunch.
• The formerly hairless Boston Baked Beagle has put on so much weight from the 'roids that he's now got man boobs.
• When a medication label says not to stop taking it abruptly, for the love of Pete, pay attention. I ran out of batshit crazy drugs for a couple of days. It was unpleasant. It will not happen again.
• I was on the Mediterranean diet thing again. But then Thanksgiving happened. Between the Turkey Day fixins and the take out Chinese from Saturday, my fridge is looks like the blue ribbon winner at the 7th grade science fair. I gotta get back on the yogurt, nuts and rabbit food.

Anywho.. I think that sorta gets us caught up for now. I hope ya'll are having a bootay kickin' kinda day.

We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!