I Want to Be Sedated

To quote the movie Shrek: "I'm a donkey on the edge."

Lawd have mercy.. seriously.

I spent my entire Monday morning on the phone trying to get my blood pressure medicine refilled. I would give ya'll a play by play of the actual conversations, but after three calls to the doctor's office, four calls to the pharmacy and two to Ma, it would turn in to a 9000 word blog post.

The Readers Digest Condensed version, is that my doctor's office no longer wants patients calling them for refills. They want you to register on their website with your social security number, date of birth, full name, address, etc, then request your refills and make appointments online. They also say, "If you have a question for your doctor or nurse, make an appointment."

I'm thinking, maybe I need to find another doctor. It's turning in to a huge hassle to deal with her office.

Sometime in between all the medical calls, I called the Big City newspaper. I didn't get my Sunday delivery and I simply asked them to take it off the bill. More on that later...

The plan was, after work I'd drive to Scary Hillbilly Town, run through the drive-thru at the pharmacy and be back home in no time. I called the Amazon as I left work and was informed that Ma needed some stuff from the store, so I made the detour by the house to pick up her list.

Okay so, I wouldn't be zipping through the drive-thru. That's okay. I could still get home pretty quick.

As the Amazon handed me Ma's list she added, "She said a big ol' cheeseburger would be nice too."

I agreed to pick up a mooburger for Ma, then began giving the Amazon cooking instructions so that she could have our dinner ready when I got back. About three steps in to the process, I noticed the puppy dog look on the Amazon's face.

"I suppose you'd like a cheeseburger too."

"Yes," she answered, in her pittiful, wee little voice.

Okay, so fine. I told her to never mind about cooking, I'd figure something out later. After a weekend of too much fast food, Mr. G had been tap dancing around on my inerds for most of the day and I'd been working hard to keep him from getting too excited. I knew a big, greasy Wendys special, although tasty, would cause me all kindsa distress and discomfort.

So now, I had to drive to Scary Hillbilly Town, pick up my prescription, do Ma's shopping and pick up some dindin for them.

It's okay. I could do this.

I headed towards Tennessee, pushing Jolene (my truck) wide open around the curves and along the river. I did a lot of thinking and a little crying. It seems to be what I always do when I'm alone anymore. Maybe it's what I need.. I dunno.

Anywho..I found everything Ma wanted from the drug store, picked up my prescription and even scored some 50% off candy corn. After I left there, I drove to Wendys, picked up food for Ma and the Amazon, then headed back home. I finally got in around 7:30, not too bad for as much as I got done.

I got out of my work duds, put on some comfy clothes and waited patiently for the tuna on whole grain, oat, intestinal Roto-Rooter type bread to get warm in the oven.

After I ate, I had to fight to stay awake but I knew if I dozed off before eleven, I'd be up at 3 a.m., walking the floors and risking Ma whipping out the Colt .45 she keeps stashed in her room.

When I finally did go to bed, I had the most gawd awful weird dreams. I ended up awake at three anyway, trying to shake off the disturbing images that had been tip toeing through my subconscious while I slept.

It was a rough night.

So when my cellphone started ringing at the butt crack of dawn, it took a minute to register. It seldom rings at all, the Amazon is the only one who ever calls me. I mainly use it for doctors offices and any billing I have that comes in my name.

Sometimes Ma's in a fog when people call and she doesn't even remember who she talked to, so it eliminates a lot of confusion.

Anywho..

I reached over and hung it up and went back to sleep. It immediately began ringing again.

WTF?

I hung it up a second time. The third time it went off, I just turned the ringer off and got up. I didn't recognize the number the call was coming from and I occasionally get messages of an amorous nature for someone in Spanish, so I figured her Don Juan was having a nookie related emergency, shrugged it off and got in the shower.

When I got out, I found a voice mail waiting for me.

It was from our newspaper carrier.

The message goes on forever about how she left me a newspaper on Sunday morning, but she'd come by this morning and moved it to where I could find it. She also informed me that she wasn't leaving it on the porch because I don't tip her and gas was too expensive for her to be sitting in the road, leaving her vehicle running while she ran up in my yard. She instructed me to call the Big City newspaper and inform them that she had, indeed left my paper and get it straightened out because that was coming out of her paycheck.

I had to let Lulu listen to it when I got to work. It's crazy.. and a little scary...especially when you consider her past.

I have been all over the innerwebs this morning, trying to figure out a way to post the actual voice mail message here.. because I know ya'll think I exaggerate more than I do.

I'm open to suggestions. I looked at Utterli.. I can send text messages, pictures and record messages, but I'm still not sure how I could post this voice mail.

Let me think about it.. maybe I'll sort it out. I'm open to suggestions.

On that note.. I'm going to go find something constructive to do and bask in the joy that is Bubbles' lunch break.

I hope ya'll kick some ass today at the polls.

Later Taters!