She Put a Cramp in My Butt Cheek.. Literally

The heat is on in Frog Pond Holler and as ya'll know, when temperatures rise, so do tempers.

The Drama Llama is out in full force.

About a year ago, they hired Darlene to do the cleaning and mowing here at the Asylum. When she came for her interview, Darlene told our plant manager that she needed a job, but not bad enough to work for Lulu's bubbahubby because he'd fired her son.

Personally, I would have taken that as a red flag and said hasta la bye bye baby. But that's just me. What do I know? I mean, when they're not even in the door yet and making demands, it's kinda sorta a hint at what's to come.

But Darlene was hired and at first, all was right with the world. I'll give her one thing, she's a cleaning fool. She can put a spit shine on the toilet that makes it sparkle and while her abundant use of air freshener early in the morning causes me to consider showing up in a Michael Jackson surgical mask, she did a pretty good job.

Then, about six months after she started, Darlene took issue with having to work in assembly when she ran out of cleaning to do. In the winter, when there's no lawn to care for, she would end up with extra time on her hands. In order to allow her to keep her hours, she was told she could work out on the floor. Well, she didn't like that and she marched her swishy little butt back to the GM's office and demanded a raise.

And she got it.

Well, Darlene's not been very popular around the Asylum since then. When everyone else has had a freeze on  their 18 month reviews and are walking around afraid of getting laid off, it's sort of a slap in the face.

Then? About a month ago, Darlene started parking her SUV up in the office parking lot. We're not a bunch of snots, I mean, there's extra spaces and if she wanted to park up there for whatever reason, no one would have said a word. But she was parking behind the line of spaces, long ways, in the middle of the parking lot in the path of all the ginormous 18 wheelers that come to make pick ups. I've darn near t-boned her truck on several occasions. We've already proven that I'm oblivious to what's behind me when I'm backing out. 

There's been lots of whispering amongst the folks out in the plant over why Darlene thinks she needs to park in the middle of oncoming traffic, but I don't think anyone said anything directly to her.

Yesterday morning, Lulu called from her office, "I want you to come here and look out in this parking lot."As I left my cubey she added, "There ain't no sense in that."

Looking out her window, I witnessed Darlene lying on her belly out on the black asphalt in the blazing 90° heat, digging bits of weed from the cracks with a screw driver.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

I looked at Lulu, who burst out laughing, shaking her head. "Does PG know she's out there doing that?" I asked. 

"I don't reckon. You know she's just trying to get out of working in assembly."

"Mmmm hmmm. That girl ain't got a lick of sense. Don't you reckon that black top is burning her belly through that t-shirt? And what's gonna happen if a truck pulls up? She'll get squished like a squirrel out there."

Lulu was just as dumbfounded as I was. 

I should probably explain before I go on, that this was during a hormonally charged time in my life and it didn't take much to get my hackles up, lest ya'll think I'm just always channeling my inner Turbo Bitch. 

As I was leaving for lunch and trying to heave my big butt up in Jolene getting in the truck, Darlene appeared from no where, like a ninja. I tried to muster a pleasant expression as I stood there, one foot on the ground and one butt cheek hung up on the seat, mid-waller, when she asked, "Hey! I was a'tryin' to git them weeds up n' under yer truck, I crawled under thar with ma screwdriver but I couldn't git all of it. Would you mind parkin' down yonder when you come back from lunch?"

I wan't too thrilled with the idea of her crawling around under my truck with a screwdriver, regardless of the reason. And? I was getting a cramp in my butt standing there half hung up on the seat.

"We'll see," I answered as I lept on the tippy toes of one foot, trying to create enough force to will my other cheek in the truck.

As I pulled out, I didn't realize she'd then be walking, in no big hurry mind you, back to her vehicle sitting in the middle of the lot. I damned near ran her AND her SUV off the cliff. 

I was starting to get ticked off.

When I returned, I parked in the visitor space. As I fell out of my truck got out of my truck, there she was again.. materializing from thin air.. LIKE A FREAKIN' NINJA.. "I got them weeds while you wuz at lunch. You can move back over yonder if you wanna."

All I could muster was, "Whatever."

I marched straight into PG's office and told him his little honey was out there laying on her belly out in the parking lot picking weeds out of the asphalt with a screwdriver and if knew about it, fine, but she was gonna get run over and I was pretty sure that violated some kinda safety regulation or policy or some crap.

He thought I was joking. I led him to his window and showed him Darlene, her face now as red as a beet, her t-shirt soaked with sweat as she wallered across the parking lot on her belly like some kind of weird, mythological, woman headed snake.

"I'll give her credit," PG said, "she sure works hard to get out of working."

Later that day, bits and pieces of a slightly heated discussion between PG and Darlene were heard. Minutes later her SUV was moved and a bottle of Roundup was acquired for the weeds in the parking lot. 

Lawd have mercy. At least it's not boring. 

Ya'll have a humpalicious Humpday. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters.