Mahala the Wally World Warrior

I have been to Wally World on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I have been to the other side. I have witnessed the darkness.

All the turkeys they had left were apparently from some third world country or had been on Jenny Craig. I had to dig all the way down into the bottom of the endless pit of frozen fowl carnage freezer case, tossing Butterballs out of my way, trying to get to the one pudgy looking gobbler I could see, just out of my reach.

I thought the Amazon was going to have to pull me back out by the ankles.

Trying to find the canned, jelled cranberry sauce was like the quest for the Holy Grail. I am persnickety about my cranberry sauce. It must:

• Be Ocean Spray
• Be can shaped
• Not contain any of that whole berry nonsense
• Be refrigerated to a solid, wiggly mass before being served on a plate, uncut, still containing it's original, ridged can shape

If these criteria have not been met, then just cancel Thanksgiving. It's not worth it.

I always have a hard time finding it. It's never on an endcap somewhere, for easy access. I have to search high and low and more than once, I've gotten so excited to find it that I've accidentally picked up a can of that whole berry crap and nearly ruined everything.

Luckily, I was able to hunt it down.

The spice section was picked clean. I had to get down on my knees and reach way back into the corner for the last tiny jar of poultry seasoning, while a kindred spirit squatted beside me, squinting under the shelving with her reading glasses balanced on her nose. She teetered a little in that position and commented that she was getting too old for all these acrobatics. If she'd gone down, she would have taken me with her.

It would not have been a pretty sight, an entanglement of stretchy pants, sneakers and middle aged body parts.

The menu for Thursday will be the still-sorta-skimpy bird, mashed taters, gravy (maybe, if I don't screw it up,) a few deviled eggs, green beans, rolls, sweet taters (cooked in the slow cooker with applesauce, brown sugar and butter,) fruit salad (a can of fruit cocktail with some mayo mixed in. It sounds nasty, but it's better n' snuff. Take my word for it) stuffing and a frozen, deep dish, coconut cream pie (don't judge me.) I'm sure it'll be more than enough for the three of us, for the next week, especially if Ma's still pouting and refuses to eat.

She's on another one of her crazy kicks where she swears I'm making plans to leave or put her in a home. I just walk away when she starts, because I don't know what else to do.

Anywho, tomorrow afternoon we'll all fix ourselves a plate and sit in the living room and briefly state what we're thankful for before diving in.

I'm thankful I have a job, on most days. I'm thankful I have a roof over my head and a vehicle to drive. There was a time when I had neither and I'm thankful for that experience as well. It humbled me and helped me become who I am. I'm thankful for the Amazon, who's changed my life in so many ways and for the critters who'll be around our feet, begging for their share of the food. And I know this sounds cheesy but it's true.. I'm thankful for all of you who share the stories of your lives with me and have hung around as I've tried to make you laugh, whined to you all and tried to find myself again.

May all your lives be blessed.

Now, I'm going to get to work, before I have to be thankful for an unemployment check. Ya'll have a happy Turkey Day.. and today, don't forget to hump it.

Later Taters!