Death of a Salesman, Rebirth of The Ninja


Yesterday began like pretty much every Thursday at The Asylum. I sat quietly at my desk, sipping coffee and listening to Bossholio yell angrily into the phone because he couldn't understand what information corporate was looking for on his forecast for next year. He called The Big Headed German to ask for advice, then Tinker, which took balls of steel or immense ignorance, after he had told both of them off for various reasons earlier in the week.

I don't think he got much help.

I'm not clear on all the details of what went down after that other than the forecast was sent up, an email from the CEO came down and the next thing ya know I hear Bossholio in his office on the phone:

"Come get me. I'm resigning."

I was like... yeah right.. in my dreams. So then I did what any loyal office employee would do in similar circumstances, I found an excuse to go up front and share this tidbit with Thelma.

Don't judge me. Here in the holler, we have to get our entertainment where we can.

I figured he was talking to his wife and that he was just calling her to blow off steam. As Thelma and I chitchatted, it dawned on me that he would need a ride because his car is the company car. I was still a bit addled when I walked back to my desk and found him waiting there, with tear filled eyes and the top of his bald little head glowing bright red. His voice quivered as he said, "I've resigned." He went on to explain that the CEO said he was wasting his time, that he'd had his house up for sale since July and he was going back to Indiana. He was jerking all over, big ol' teardrops rolling down his chubby little cheeks.

I reached over to pat his arm and he pulled away from me like I had the cooties, so I just said, "Kay," and went back to my desk.

Things are sort of a blur after that. See, Bossholio lives like an hour from here, across the mountains, through the woods and over a few creeks in Tennessee. He should have taken that in to consideration before announcing his resignation. It was going to be a while before Wifeholio got here. He went out on the plant floor at some point, going up to everyone he could find and announcing his leaving. Apparently in his little world, he assumed everyone gave a big ol' juicy rat's patooty.

In the mean time, I was summoned to the GM's office. I was told that once again, I was without supervision and to try to behave. I wanted to scream, "WELL IT'S ABOUT DAMNED TIME, DON'T YOU THINK????" but I controlled myself. I was officially put back on five days a week and asked to put off taking any vacation time until December.

"I'll do whatever it takes to keep things chugging along," I promised.

"As long as I don't let Bossholio come back?" the GM asked.

"And don't hire another one like him."

We talked about the possibility of Sparkles taking the position, it had already been offered to him, with Bossholio not even off the property yet.

As I left the GM's office, I was met with Bossholio and Wifeholio coming up the hall, dragging a big ol' box behind them. I said hi to Wifeholio, who turned her persnickety little nose up in the air.

Sometimes it takes all the gumption a girl has not to smack a bitch right up in the office hallway, in front of God and everybody, ya know?

Anywho...

I informed Peppermint Patty that I'd be out in the smoking area trying to get some second hand action until Assholio and The Mrs. were gone because I was starting to feel a little twitchy. I went out in the sunshine and whipped out my derpy phone so I could call Lulu, who ALWAYS happens to be off when the shit hits the fan. She was off the day Jasper got a wild hair up his ass and walked out a couple of weeks ago.

Lulu and I laughed and dished dirt on the Holios. I felt way better when we got off the phone. I went back inside after the coast was clear. Everyone else was acting all shell shocked while I tried to fight the urge to break out in the Cabbage Patch up in the hallway.

Sparkles stopped by for a few minutes and we talked about things.. and stuff. I hope he takes it, but even if he doesn't, I know I can handle it on my own for a while. I've done it before. After all...

I am the sales ninja.

It's going to be a wild ride for a while and I plan to bring ya'll along. You'd better hold on tight.

We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!!!