The Return of Sparkles

Holy eff-bombs Batman, The Asylum has been full of the drama this week!

It's been sorta tense anyway with the drastic dip in sales and cut hours of all the peon office staff. Oddly, it's the managers who have their panties in a wad, the rest of us are kinda happy to be on 32 hours a week. Thelma says, "When they cut my lights off, I won't care, I'll just sit there in the dark and smile because I don't have to be here."

She sorta summed up the general atmosphere right there.

Shortly after Bossholio came to work for us and his making-friends-and-winning-with-people attitude became apparent, Lord Corporate, ruler of evil, made the decision to hire a "consulting" firm to act as a go between for our biggest company account and Bossholio. They pay this firm more than my yearly salary, yet felt it was more cost efficient to do so than to just fire old Grumpy McCrabby pants and hire someone with... oh I dunno.. A PERSONALITY?

Over at our big customer... more accurately.. the company that has our ass over a barrel because if they go elsewhere, we'll have to shut down.. there is a spunky blonde Goddess with a hair trigger temper. She handles our account and is Bossholio's worse nightmare.

There's nothing like a hot chick in power to REALLY chafe the cajones of a knuckledragger like Bossholio.

For years Goddess Spunky has tried to convince Bossholio and Lord Corporate to approve a trip for our company to make an appearance at her company's trade show. Every year they tell her, "Maybe next year," then chortle and snort as they approve double the moolah to have a big fancy table at the national trade show, where Bossholio and Jasper can go get liquored up on the company dime.

Well, times are hard and the Robot Monkey business isn't what it used to be (it seems to go in the toilet every election year) so Bossholio decided to swallow his pride and act all "I shall deem them worthy of my presence just this once and attend their little function," when in actuality, Lord Corporate told him he'd better start sucking up to somebody before we ended up getting shut down.

So the other day, I was sitting at my desk, playing Bejewled working diligently when the silence was broken by a very loud Bossholio screaming, "EFF!! MOTHER EFF!" followed by the sound of his beating the ever living crap out of his phone's key pad. "DID YOU READ THE EMAIL FROM GODDESS SPUNKY???? Well READ IT"....(a pause, then)..."I'll be GAWD DAMNED if that little BITCH is gonna jerk me around by the.. well YOU KNOW..EFFIN EFFIN EFFEDY EFFF!!!!"

(The previous paragraphs were sanitized for those of you with a delicate constitution.)

To be honest, there was a lot more to it, but I only heard the screamy parts. It seems that when Bossholio emailed Goddess Spunky about signing up for their company trade show, she replied with a "thanks, but no thanks." When he asked why, she said that we no longer represented the image they wanted to present to their customers. So of course, Bossholio, in defense of our image, called the "consulting firm" and viciously ripped the guy a new one.

It was brutal, ya'll.

I got up and left my desk. Most everyone else was already gone for the day, so I rudely invited myself to interrupt a meeting between Peppermint Patty and Jabba the Engineer and joined in.

The next day there were lots of whispered meetings between the GM and calls from Lord Corporate. I heard Bossholio call the consulting firm and apologize. The guy he normally deals with (Bobbert) is out on medical leave, so the guy who was lucky enough to get Bossholio's phone call and verbal ass reaming was so rattled, he had to call Bobbert at home, who, presumably, was on some good meds and put him on conference call with Bossholio.

I'm assuming the consulting firm called Lord Corporate and tattled on Bossholio.

I'd just like to interject here, that in the past, I've been corrected for saying "ya'll" while on a sales call, being told it made me sound "unsophisticated," yet it's perfectly okay for Bossholio to scream down the hall calling our bread and butter a "little bitch."

Just sayin'.

So yesterday I get back to The Asylum after lunch to find Jabba, Jasper and The Groper congregating around the concrete ashtray at the bottom of the steps, looking very serious.

"It's a damned shame. Why would you hire a high-dolla shirt to work alongside people who've been told they're only working 4 days a week?" Jasper pondered. "How are they expected to feel?"

The Groper joined in, "I know, it's sort of stupid if you ask me."

Of course, I have no shame so I muscled my way between them and demanded, "Who?"

"Sparkles," Jasper answered, with a deer-in-the-headlights look. I'm sorry, if you don't have enough sense to shut up when you see me coming, I WILL demand details.

"SPARKLES???? For what?????" 

Sparkles was the last sales manager, before Bossholio, but he was also in engineering before that, so it could be either/or.

"I reckon just to walk around the plant and look important," Jasper answered. "Maybe they're gonna get rid of me, no one really knows."

Ya'll know I'm secretly praying they're planning on giving Bossholio the scoot. Or maybe me, then bringing him in as an assistant sales manager. I have no idea.

We'll just have to wait and see.

When I know, ya'll will know. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!!!

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kenju said...

"There's nothing like a hot chick in power to REALLY chafe the cajones of a knuckledragger like Bossholio."

If there's a better line on the internet this week, you'll have to prove it to me.

Anonymous said...

Having my cajones chafed by a hot chick sounds kind of fun actually.

Biff B

Tonya said...

Girl the drama is boilin up over the pot!!! I hope everything works out for you, but I gotta say I sure do love reading about it all.

tiff said...

Can't wait to see how this one plays out!! Fingers crossed you come out on the happy end of it all.

rennratt said...

I really, REALLY want this to be a tale of comeuppance for the [not so] beloved Bossholio.

He's such a toolbox. I really hope that he gets his tail fired.

BetteJo said...

It's like a 9-5 soap opera over there!

Teressa Welch said...

This is better than Days of Our Lives! I just hope the "writers" get rid of the proper character and leave the ones we love intact!