In a fit of determination to become more svelte and less diabeticky I decided to look up some belly dance work out videos and give it a shot. Some of you may remember that I had an aunt (she was rail thin... she married into the family) who was a professional belly dancer. She taught me a few moves when I was younger and considerably more limber. Also, my impressionable teen years were mostly spent in the company of exotic dancers when I worked at the head shop across the street from Gate 5 at Little Creek Amphibious Base in Norfolk, down where bikers, sailors and half naked hoochie mamas would co-mingle 'til all hours of the night
So it wasn't THAT much of a stretch for me to decide to hop back into some belly dance moves. I thought.
Here's what I learned:
- It is not wise to attempt a belly roll right off the bat, when it's been a good 20 years since your last try. You may discover that you have acquired more belly than roll.
- Work out videos that involve "snake arms" need to come with a ceiling fan warning. Now I have three bruised fingers and a wonky fan that makes a mind numbing whirring nose.
- Do not look in the mirror. Focus on the rail thin twin shimmy goddesses on your monitor and you'll believe you're doing a good job. Once you catch a glimpse of your reflection, you'll realize that what you're doing can only be described as a clusterfuck of flailing arms and jiggling butt fat and bears no resemblance whatsoever to what you think you're doing.
- The heavy breathing you hear is not the dog having a seizure. It is you.
- Wear a bra. It doesn't matter that you're in the privacy of your own bedroom. When you start to do shoulder pop thrust thingies... or God forbid.. attempt a shimmy.. someone could get hurt. If you don't want to wear a bra, be responsible and outfit your pets with protective eye goggles.
On a side note, in case you were wondering, I'm still at the Asylum working for Bossholio and the pervert. If that changes, ya'll will be the first to know.. well maybe not first... but I'll keep you posted.
Ya'll have a good week. We'll talk again soon.. if I can survive all this healthy living.