Let the games begin!
I had one of those marathon Saturdays where I try to get a week's worth of running around done in a day. Nail salon, Wally World, hair salon AT Wally World, hospital then back to Wally World again.
If I don't have to set foot back in the World of Wally for a while it'll be okay with me.
In the middle of all that running around, I visited with Ma for a bit. I took her some socks and a few other things. She was using her lack of decent clothes as an excuse to keep from leaving the room and interacting with anyone there. The staff, not Ma, requested we bring her some things so she'd be out of excuses. This has left Ma a little snippy.
I wish I could tell you how she is, but I don't really know. Physically she seems pretty good, although to hear her tell it she's going to drop dead any time now from a mysterious flesh eating disease. She talks nonsense the whole time I'm there, at least now it's imagined gossip about the other patients instead of hallucinations of body parts.
I'm scared to death she'll end up in a nursing home and we'll lose everything we have, which isn't much. The land is in her name, the trailer in both and everyone keeps telling me that if she goes in a nursing home, the state will take it all. I called Legal Aide for advice and they told me to call the Senior Citizens legal aid number because it was an "Elderly Issue." So I did. There I was told that they couldn't advise ME on the situation, only Ma because she was the "Elder" and the land was in her name.
What the hell? So I pay for this damned trailer for the past 15 years and now it's going to be yanked out from under me? The only reason her name is on it, is because we had it refinanced.
I don't know. I've been hitting the "losing my shit" anxiety pills a lot lately.
I've pretty much decided that if that were to happen, I'll take whatever pittance the government will let me have, suck my 401K out of here and run like hell to the coast, where hopefully I'll have enough to put a down payment on a little shack somewhere.
Forget sleep. I toss, turn, flip and flop. Every time I close my eyes and try to relax I remember Ma's pitiful face as she watched me leave the other night, sitting in a dark room with nothing but a chair and a bed. Yeah I know, I sound a tad bit mellow dramatic but it's the truth. I feel like I'm being drawn back to that dark place I was in before I started therapy. I'm fighting it tooth and nail, but sometimes it still washes over me, that doom feeling. If I start to feel like I can't claw my way out of it, I may have to put a call in to the noggin doc.
When I wake up and can't go back to sleep, I've been watching stuff on Netflix on my little netbook. Last night at 2 a.m. I was lying in the dark, cuddled up with the dogs watching Eddie Izzard's "Believe." Ya'll should check it out. It's guaranteed to thwart oncoming anxiety attacks.
Well for me anyway.
For now, I should get to work. Bossholio is gone for the day, as is Lulu. I'm back on the end of the hallway all by myself. I'm going to take advantage of the situation by getting some stuff done.
Ya'll have a good one. Later Taters!!
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7 comments:
Tried to thing of something to say that would help, but I don't think there is anything. So I will just say, hold on. And that I care.
((Huggles))
Mahala, if you weren't anxious I'd have to think you have no heart. You're in the middle of a whopping great life-altering event,so just hold on. It can't last forever.
Hugs to you and yours.
Ty Tiff :)
Ya know, I don't take time enough to thank all ya'll for your kind words when the crap hits the fan. So I want to say it now.. ya'll are the best and you do make things so much easier, just by giving me a place to vent while I'm walking around with my Stepford Wife smile to everyone else.
You're going through so much right now..you might need a little reinforcement from your therapist to get through it, and that's perfectly ok. She might also be able to cut through some of the red tape bullshit and help you with practical matters, like the housing issue, or at least put you in touch with someone who can actually *do* something. Just a thought.
You'd be surprised how connections work sometimes; I found out when my husband was sick, that a long-time friend of ours wasn't just a "family therapist", but also specialized in BRAIN INJURY PATIENTS, which is exactly what we needed, with Zilla's brain tumor. So, give it a shot and see what happens. Hugs to y'all.
Don't worry about ma..she is in a safe place and being cared for. When my daughter was in it was kind of a relief for both of us....in an odd way. If the day comes that you have to move to the coast then that is what you will do and that is how it will be. And how it will be is ....FINE! Stop worrying, K? Oh, and thank God for days when bossholio and others are out of the office! My favorite times at work are when everyone's out!
Ah Mahala. The ma thing. Different situations but trying to find out what the laws are in your state for 'elder care' and what-not can be a nightmare. I actually ended up asking a social worker at the hospital for some recommendations for elder law attorneys. Brought all my paperwork with me and asked what it all meant. Cost me about $250.00 I think, but he clarified a lot for me and told me what I could do and what I couldn't.
In Illinois the rule is when someone goes in a nursing home, they use whatever money or assets they have until they are gone, then apply for Medicaid. And when you apply for Medicaid they want 3 years of banks statements and explanations for any expenses over $500.00 during that time. If they think the elderly person has tried to hide money or give it away - they can deny Medicaid. So be careful about trying to get your ma's name off property and stuff, until you get some advice. Like I said - in Illinois it's a 3 year "look back". In many states it's 5 years. There may be things you can do, but please get advice first. You don't want anything to get in the way of applying for Medicaid when it comes time.
Good luck. Truly. Like I said, different situations but the elder-care thing can be so convoluted. And DO see your therapist if you think you're coming close to losing it. The hardest thing for us care-givers to do is to take care of ourselves.
My journey is almost over, and I feel for you. It's not fun.
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