I'm So Not Ready for This

I've been walking around for two weeks with a list of noggin doctors in my purse. I just couldn't get up the nerve to call and ask for an appointment. Calling would mean sitting in a room with a complete stranger and reliving shit that happened 30 years ago. It would mean facing everything I've worked so hard to avoid my entire life and it would mean he won. In my head, it would mean giving up and admitting I'm one screwed up individual.

But yesterday, I called. I left a message and half hoped no one would call me back.

This morning, the noggin doc specializing in my specific flavor of childhood trauma returned my call. My appointment is next Wednesday.

I am scared beyond shitless.

After I hung up the phone, a severe case of the herky jerks set in, tears started flowing and I had to take the "extra" pill. You know, the one for when the daily pill isn't enough and I start to lose my noodle right here in front of God and everybody.

I've become my Aunt Gail. I can still remember her sitting at her kitchen table, her forehead supported by one hand, a Bloody Mary in the other and a Salem burning in the ashtray as she yelled to my cousin, "Honeee.. bring me a Valium.. Mama needs a pill!"

I guess the nut job doesn't fall far from the tree.

Anywho.. ya'll have a good one. I'm trying not to think about the perspiration that's forming in the various nooks and crannies of my body.

At least I'll spend the day medicated.

Later Taters!


Anonymous said...

I just love your posts! I hope your noggin gets fixed, but not all of it, as your life experience, good and bad, makes you the person you are today. I have empathy in spades and I genuinely hope it works for you, but don't let any headshrinker change you!

tndaisy1960 said...

I'm here if you want to talk. You know I understand. Gtalk is always open.


EyeInStein said...

I'm in your corner. :)

kenju said...

I'm in your corner, too, Mahala, and I really hope that the noggin doc can help. Don't be scared - I think they've heard it all already!

Significant Snail said...

First of all, you are not a screwed up individual. The person who hurt you was a screwed up individual and that's his problem and not your fault. There's no way he can win. This is a situation where you will win by persevering. Go and talk to the doctor - the first visit will be hard but it WILL get better. Your doctor will be able to help you to put things in perspective and get you to a point where you will be able to deal with this without the panic/anxiety and tears. You win. Period. I went for therapy a few years back and it was actually nice to have a stranger to lay it all out to - not family or a friend whose relationship with me might be changed by the things I said. We're all here for you, Mahala!

Anonymous said...

Years from now, you will look back at this as the best thing you ever did. Making the call, showing up, activly participating in the process will set you free and give you the rest of your life. Take Care, you are the only you, you have.


BetteJo said...

Like THEY said Mahala. It may be difficult but you can do it.

Melissa said...

Making the call is the hardest part. It is downhill from there. Trust me on this. *hugs*