Office Drama, Cube Toots and Pluckin' Chin Hairs

Lawd. I don't even know where to begin. All I can say is, get a cup of coffee, tea or whatever and make yourself comfy. I feel a long-winded one coming on.

First, this exchange took place between Lulu and myself yesterday:

Lulu: "We're going to be a'sittin' there, in the home and our youngins ain't even gonna care enough to come pluck our chin hairs."

Me: "Tell me about it. Every so often, after a long day at work, I glance over at the Amazon and ask her if she'd mind cuttin' her poor old mama's toenails and you should see the look she gets on her face! You'da thought I'd asked her to pop a butt boil."

Lulu: "I swar! Ain't no one gonna take care of us in our old age. The nurses at the home will be a'fightin' over who's gonna have to give us a bath, 'cuz I'll have a beard a foot long, a 'catchin crumbs and green Jello, and they won't wanna give you one outa fear you'll slice their neck open with your six inch toenails!"

I nodded in agreement, only half joking because although we exaggerate just a tad, it's probably close to the truth.

Lulu: "And if that ain't bad enough, them old men at the home are terrible! Grammaw used to say they'd come right in yer room, in broad daylight, and try to crawl right in the bed with ya!"

Me: "Wait.. what? Seriously?"

Lulu: "Why yeah! Them old men's awful. I don't know why they keep advertisin' them little blue pills on the teevee, 'cuz according to Grammaw, them horny old devils at the home didn't have no problem with their equipment."

Me: "Sooooo... you're saying I might be able to get me some at the nursing home?"

Lulu gave me a strange look, then grinned great big and said, "Yeah.. and you get ice cream too!"

Me: "DANG! Let's go!"

~*~

Every day about thirty minutes after I get back from lunch, Bubbles sprays a half a can of dollar store brand pseudo Lysol in to the air, gagging me half to death. It's to the point where I've had to ask Lulu to please tell me if I stink. I mean, I go home for lunch and mess with the dogs and stuff. I was wondering if I came back smelling like dog sweat or if my fuzzy slippers I keep under my desk were hummin' and I just didn't smell it... or what.

Seriously, I was getting paranoid, even though Lulu did everything in her power to assure me that if I stunk, she must stink too, because she couldn't smell a thing.

So this morning, I got to thinkin'. Bubbles goes to her mother-in-law's every day for lunch. She cooks a big meal, I know because some times Bubbles carries part of it back with her. I've heard her talking about big ol' pots of beans with cornbread and onions, meatloaf, spaghetti and seen her carrying paper plates with a 1/4 of an apple pie and ice cream.

Reckon Bubbles gets the farts after all that? I mean, just hearing about eating all that food in the middle of the day makes me wanna rip a big toot.

That would explain all the spraying.

Just sayin...

~*~

I was in such a good mood when I got to work this morning. Honest.

I put my things down, fired up my computer and walked over to Lulu's office to get a copy of the morning report. As we were talking, PG charged in there, rudely held his hand up to my face (Oh hell yes... yes he did!) and proceeded to curtly inform me that he'd had the switchboard transferred to my phone until Bubbles got here. This was around 7:55 or so. We come in at 8:00.

I didn't go apeshit and rip a hole in his face, which is a testament to what a good person I am.

I took a deep breath and looked at Lulu. She said, "I know.. he's such a you-know-what. Just breeeeathe."

Which I did. Barely.

So then? I ran more reports for Bossman, then walked back to the data printer to collect them. I bumped in to the GM in the hallway.

GM: "Hellooooo Mahala! So nice of you to join us! I'm so glad you decided to grace us with your presence! Did you get plenty of sleep? Ahahahahahahah!"

See, inventory is today and everyone has to come in at 7:00.. except sales. We work our regular schedule. Now.. if they had asked me to come in early and help, I would have jumped at the chance. I've been begging for extra hours. Therefore, the GM's little comments made me right damn pissy.

Me: "Excuse me but, I was here before my scheduled time. If there's a problem with that, you need to talk to my supervisor," which I said loudly, leading to Lulu applauding (quietly) as I returned to my desk.

She called me a minute or two later and I went off and I hope to hell PG and the GM both heard me. Oh and Bubbles? She showed up at 8:10.

I later found out that PG, the GM, Thelma and Louise were all supposed to be here at 6:00, but Thelma called Louise last night and told her not to bother coming in until 7:00, because each year she appoints herself in charge of inventory, even though she has no real authority.

So... PG and the GM were here at the butt crack of dawn with no one to boss around.. and sat here for an hour (actually, Thelma didn't show up until 7:30.. but that's another story all together.) So what's happened is, PG and the GM were pissed off at Thelma and Louise, but for some reason thought it was A-OK to take it out on me. PG was further annoyed that Bubbles wasn't here to answer the phone when he thought she should be and again... this was my fault.

What the effin' hell?

Rest assured that everyone in earshot of my dank, drab little cubey (which would be everyone) now knows that Mahala is a little bit pissed off that after she has ASKED to work and has been told no, she doesn't appreciate catching a bunch of chit when she is the only one (other than Lulu) who bothered to show up on time.

I'm THIS CLOSE to telling them all to kiss my big, fat, hairy behind.

~*~

Lawd have mercy. I'd better get busy writing that best selling novel if I'm ever going to get out of this crazy place.

As for now? I'm going to file some more. Oh and.. take advantage of the fact that Bubbles is answering the switchboard and try to record her with my cellphone.. which I'll post on the innerwebs.. because that's how I deal.

Ya'll have an awesometastic day and remember it's almost Friday.

Hang in there!

Later Taters!