Deli Drama and Why People Kill

Monday at the office.. I'd forgotten how much fun it can be.

Lulu was here before everyone else, running around like a chicken with it's head lopped off. We nearly had a head on collision in the hallway as I made my way slowly back to my desk, after rinsing my coffee cup out in the bathroom. She came barreling down the hall at warp speed, cutting around the corner so fast, she looked like a NASCAR driver on two wheels.

I didn't ask. I just got out of her way.

A few minutes later, she called to tell me she had to come in early so she could leave mid-morning for a dentist appointment. There seems to be an epidemic of dental related emergencies here at the Asylum lately. It must be all the biting of tongues and gritting of teeth we do around here.

I had to make a run to the grocery store yesterday. Ma had run out of Cokes and I felt like one of those evil adult children who tie their parents to the bed and force them to watch the Hallmark channel 24/7 for allowing it to happen.

Well.. and we needed a few other things, like sandwich meat and milk.

At the store, I noticed they had the really good, normally expensive sandwich meat on sale for cheap. I made a bee line over to the deli. I stood there for a couple of minutes, watching the three employees talk to the one other customer on the other end of the counter. When one, who's name tag said "Maria," turned around, I smiled sweetly with raised brows.. as if to say, "Here I am.. can I get some service?"

Which lead Maria to pretend like she hadn't seen me, waddling at warp speed back to her bucket of raw chicken parts, where she went back to dunking them all in flour.

I stood there.. telling myself not to get bitchy because I really am trying to be a kinder, gentler Mahala. I turned around towards the bakery counter on the other side of the wide, cookie filled aisle. There I saw the bakery employee, watching me being ignored as she picked her teeth and shook her head in disgust.

But did she do anything to help?

Oh hell no.

So I stood there, as a manager arrived at whatever drama was taking place over at the other end of the counter. Maria kept dunking her chicken parts. Now there were two more customers standing over by the hot food section. They waved... they whistled.. they cussed and they left.

I've never seen anything like it before.

I finally gave up and went on through the store, gathering up the few things I needed, hoping to return to the deli counter after they were finished doing whatever the hell they were doing over on the other end. I picked up some bread, made my way to the soft drink aisle, then over to the milk and eggs. Once I had everything else in my cart, I considered just leaving.. forgetting the ham, but it was on sale and we needed stuff for sandwiches. So I went all the way back to the other side of the store to the deli.

Now there were five employees behind the counter. Maria was still cooking chicken, one was supervising Maria, two were running the register and the manager was still back there walking around with his thumb up his butt.

Surely to God I could get SOMEONE to slice me a pound of ham.

Finally, this sorrowful looking little soul came walking up behind the counter. She'd made the mistake of making eye contact with me and didn't have enough motivation to run before I flashed her my winning smile.

"Kin I hep you?" she said in her wee, tiny little voice.

"I'd like a pound of the Mickleberry ham that's on sale please." She walked over to the sale sign, turned it around, her lips moving slowly as she read it.

"Do you know which one it is?" she asked.

My patience went out the window. I could not maintain my pleasant demeanor one more second. "Well I reckon it's this one over here, with MICKLEBERRY HAM on the label."

"Ooooh there it is."

I watched as she painstakingly removed the ham from the case, then removed the rubber gloves from the box. She struggled to put them on, inserting each finger gingerly in to each opening. By now, I had a death grip on the edge of the meat case, my forehead resting on the edge. I just wanted my effin' ham.

She placed the ham on the slicer. I found myself silently urging her on. She hit the switch.. then stopped and turned to face me.

"Wuz you a'wantin' this fer sandwiches? I mean.. do you want it sliced real thin?" she asked.

I was proud of the way I maintained my composure. "As thin as you can slice it please," I answered, smiling... when inside I really wanted to stick her head in the slicer.

She began slicing the ham and no lie.. two slices in to the process.. she stopped.

She held her finger up and said, "I'll be right back."

And then she left.

I broke out in a sweat. I thought I was going to lose my shit right there in the deli. I looked up just in time to see Maria waddle over. She looked embarrassed, I suppose because when she had ignored me earlier, with the hopes that someone else would deal with me and she hadn't counted on my reappearing.

"She says it stopped. I dunno what she means "it stopped" so I reckon I'd better come see," she said, laughing nervously.

I tried to smile. I tried not to climb over the counter, wrap my chubby little sausage-like fingers around her throat and choke the living crap out of her. I persevered.

"Hunneeee?" Maria called out to the red-headed little sloth. "You musta leaned on it and hit the switch. That's why it cut off."

Oh sweet Jesus in heaven. I know why there are women in prison.. on death row. They were just trying to get some ham from the deli and took a momentary leave of their senses, going off on a tangent and slicing up deli employees before they realized what hit them.

Seriously.. I can understand how it could happen.

Eventually, Maria finished cutting, weighing and packaging my ham. She even lectured me on how to read the sticker, suggesting that with my simple self, I might become confused by the regular price being included along with the sale price.

The fact that I made it home without killing anyone, or at the very least, bitch slapping them with a pound of Mickleberry ham is a miracle.

And I know what I'm fixin' myself for lunch today. I worked hard for that ham.... it's going to make a hell of a sandwich.

Ya'll have a good one!

Later Taters!

P.S. Thanks to MJ over at "Note to Self" for the linky love! And a special belated thanks goes out to Sarah at "The Adventures of the Childers Family" for giving me the Butterfly Award. Ya'll go by and say hi.. and tell 'em I sent ya!