Anacondas, Poop Demons and Suspicious Funk

This has been a total and complete waste of a day off.

I've felt like crap on a cracker for most of it because my good friend FMF has decided to show up to kick my bootay. I've sort of felt it coming on for the past few days, so I wasn't surprised when I got up this morning with my joints doing the bump and grind like a burlesque dancer after too many Harvey Wallbangers.

Honestly, I wasn't even going to mention it. With colchacine therapy, the attacks are few and far between and much less severe than before. It's normally not that big a deal anymore.

Normally...

The first clue that something was out of whack came when the Amazon was doing laundry yesterday. As the washer did it's thing, the Amazon went in the bathroom and noticed something strange and suspiciously funky in the bathtub. Later in the evening, as Ma was fixing herself a plate of the fabulous dinner I'd prepared, she mentioned that some "stuff" had backed up in to her bath as well.

Leave it to Ma to always have compelling dinner conversation ready for our entertainment.

It didn't happen any more, so we chalked it up to a one time thing and forgot about it. The Amazon had a wedding to go to this evening and other than a little picking up and a few dishes, I sat around on the couch for most of the day. Once she left, I threw a load of clothes in the wash, put on my comfy, stained and slightly ripped house.. lounge.. thingie and hit the couch. I started to doze off, when I have bad spells I can't seem to get enough sleep, but felt the urge of a nature call and decided to tend to that before I got too comfy.

Okay.. I know this is bordering on more than you want to know.. but seriously.. I feel the need to share this with ya'll...

So I'm in the potty palace, parked up on my throne, reading this weeks edition of the Hee-Haw County paper. I was half way through the story about the big drug raid last week, where they confiscated over 13,000 pot plants, when I felt a slight jarring of the floor.

Then a fine mist sprayed my delicate tush.

Gurgling.. bubbling...

I came up off that toilet.. wild eyed and afraid because I had forgotten all about the previous day's drain regurgitation and thought my worst fear had been realized. I just knew a big ass snake was coming up out of that toilet.

I swear..it looked like that scene from Dogma where the poop demon comes gurgling up from the depths of hell.

I backed away. I stared. It gurgled and plopped. I waited until I thought it had calmed down.. then I flushed.

Don't look at me like that.. I don't know what possessed me to do it. If I'd had a history of making good life choices, I wouldn't be living in a trailer in Frog Pond Holler.

The mixture of.. I'll spare you the horrid details.. rose right up to the very rim of the toilet.. stayed there a few seconds.. then slowly went back down.

When my heart started beating again and I realized that a huge anaconda hadn't been trying to get my left ass cheek and that the toilet was finished being possessed by demons, I went back to the task at hand.

"MAHALA!!!" she screamed from the hallway. Ma never walks to my end of the trailer and the Amazon was gone, so to say I was startled is an understatement.

"Please don't run anymore water, you're causing stuff to back up in to my bath again!!"

Because, as ya'll know, everything is my fault.

I can't tell ya'll what I said to her, because it would make you lose any respect you have left for me, if any at all, after reading this post.

We finally sorted out that it was only happening when we ran the washer, so I didn't worry about it anymore, went back to the couch and slowly drifted off to comfy-happy land.

"MAHALA!! MAHALA!!!" I opened my eyes to see Ma standing over me with her torn gown and her hair all askew. "I called Ebb, he's in Scary Hillbilly Town, but he'll be here in just a few minutes."

"Wut.. who?"

"EBB!!! HE'LL BE HERE IN A FEW MINUTES!!" she repeats, like I have any effin' clue who the hell she's talking about.

I eventually figure out that she's talking about the main town employee, I didn't ask who she called to get his cell phone number. She had the phone book in her hand, she probably just started calling random Frog Pond Holler residents.

I laid there for a second, letting it sink in, then got up and looked for something to put on. It was slim pickins, all my shorts that my butt doesn't hang out of and my slacks were in the wash...which is what caused this whole mess.

As I waited, I sat at my computer desk, head propped up in front of the computer. Ma came in a few minutes later and asked, "Where did those grapes come from?"

"What grapes?"

"The grapes! Did someone give them to you or did you buy them in town?"

"Ma, we've not had any grapes."

"Not grapes.. yes.. grapes.. did someone give them to you???"

"THERE ARE NO GRAPES!"

"Oh.. wait.. CHERRIES.. you knew what I meant.. where did they come from?" (Ya know.. some people fantasize while watching mooshy, lovey dovey movies on the Romance channel. Me? "Throw Mama from the Train.")

"The grocery store," I answered. "They have grapes at the store in town if you want some."

"Oh no.. I don't want any, those grapes did a number on my stomach!" she explained, then turned and went back to her bedroom.

Ya'll wonder why I'm a little nuts?

She came back a few minutes later, waving a bottle of ant poison at me, telling me to open it because she was just too tired. I got it away from her and told her to go to bed, I'd watch for Ebb.

"Oh, I called him back and told him to just wait 'til Monday. I don't have the energy to deal with anything else tonight. Is it too late to get a pizza from town?"

"Yes Ma."

*Sigh*

It's only Day Two of my four day weekend. The fun never stops around here. I'm going back to the couch, take some drugs, rest my eyes and hopefully avoid any further chitsplosions for a bit.

Y'all enjoy your weekend.

Later Taters!