Retirement Planning with 500 Pound Anacondas

Yesterday we had a visit from our company 401K representative. Any time the stock market starts to tank and we all stop pouring our money into the sieve that is our retirement account, they send this little Greg Proops looking mother effer down to convince us that we need to pour even MORE money in to their pockets because it is, after all, our duty as God fearing Americans to learn to do without luxuries like prescription medication, groceries and gas so that they can continue to drive their shiny black SUVs all over creation.
I didn't want to go to the meeting. I spent a good two hours trying to come up with an excuse to get out of it. Money was the last thing I wanted to think about. I stopped contributing to my 401K about two months ago because I simply could not spare the extra $25 a paycheck. The decision is a temporary one, I have every intention of reinstating the contribution when I can.. but for now I need every penny I can get.
Anywho, so I went in there with a chip on my shoulder, but once I got in there, things went spiraling downhill.
We took our seats and focused on the projector screen where we saw an image, clearly marked, "Peace Corp Survival Guide." Bubbles, unable to restrain herself, looked at Lulu and exclaimed, "I thought that was the Holy Bible up thar!!! I thought to myself.. now why's he got a picture of the Holy Bible? Are we 'uns gonna have Bible school???? AHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!" *slaps desk* "That says PEACE CORP.. HAHA!..not HOLY BIBLE!!!" *snort*
Lulu glanced at Bubbles and nodded slightly, a small, horrified smile forming on her lips. The sort of look that plainly says, "Please God, make her shut up."
Pseudo Proops took his position in the center of the break room and began his story, relating the Peace Corp Survival Guide to how we should be reacting to this "changing" market. He began innocently enough, explaining how to build an igloo, which is such useful friggen information here in Western North Carolina. Then he made his fatal error.
"When you're in the jungle and you happen upon a 500 pound anaconda, what are you going to do?"
Ya'll know my feelings about snakes and oh, how he stirred up the imagery in my mind.
Bubbles answered his question, "rhetorical" is not in her vocabulary, "I'm gonna RUN!" *slaps table* "AAAHAHAHAHAHA! I said RUN!!!!" *snort* *slurp*
I shit you not.
Pseudo Proops looked a little frightened, everyone else just kept their eyes dead ahead and pretended Bubbles wasn't back there having a hissy fit.
"If you said 'lay down and be quiet' you'd be correct" PP explained. "The snake will crawl all over you, remain calm.. take a deep breath.. read a book."
I slowly lifted my feet off the floor, balancing them on the bench in front of me. Pseudo Proops shouldn't be using his snake analogy in factories where actual snakes sometimes find their way in to the actual snack room where the meeting is being held.
Lulu was snickering.. she knew I was creeped out.
"The snake will place it's mouth around your feet. Remain calm. As he swallows your legs, do not move, lie very still. Let him make his way up your body."
I reckon Pseudo Proops doesn't get the National Geographic channel at his house. If he did, he'd know those big ass snakes have some big ass teeth and they bite like a mother effer. If the snake has swallowed up to my legs, he can have the rest. I'm pretty sure I woulda done went and died of heart failure at about the time I laid eyes on a 500 pound anaconda.
Remain calm my big fat hiney. What kinda fantasy world is he living in? I soil my granny panties when I see a dead garter snake.
It was around then that PP changed the slide in his presentation to an image of a knife. This excited Bubbles. Apparently she has violent tendencies I wasn't aware of.
Half the people crammed in the tiny snack room turned and gave her the STFU stink eye. The other half just went back to sleep. I was trying to focus on anything other than that creepy crawly feeling that something was slithering around my leg.
Did I mention that I didn't want to attend this meeting to begin with?
As the 401K guy continued with his story, he explained that the whole point was to make sure you always had your knife. That's what our individual accounts were, our knives to use against the giant anaconda of the current stock market. As long as we remain calm and keep our knives at all times, we'd be fine.
What the hell?
There is about as much chance of my lying on the ground, letting a snake swallow me half way before I decide to stab it as there is of me pouring 25% of my income in to a high risk option 401K plan, one that's losing money as we speak.
I think Mr. Pseudo Proops needs to find a new slide show. In the mean time, I'm just thankful he gave us all his cell phone number. At 3 a.m., wrapped up tight in my blanket and waking up, terrified after a dream that I was being swallowed by a 500 pound anaconda, I know who I'm calling.
Ya'll have an awesome, anaconda free day.
Later Taters!


Travel said...

He sounds like he is NUTS! Nothing like scaring the sh*t out of people. Remain calm, save a little as soon as you can. This economic mess will pass with time, this is not the first time and probably won't be the last.


Jeni said...

I am so with you on this one - I would have been freaking nutso having to listen to ANY kind of talk involving snakes!!! And you better believe if I had his cell phone number and woke up in the middle of the night from having a snake-infested nightmare, his number would be on speed dial on my phone, for sure then! ICK! Surely he could have found a much better analogy?

Tori Lennox said...

Ye gods! I sure wouldn't lie around waiting for a stupid 500 pound anaconda to swallow me! What a goofball. Too bad it wasn't the real Greg Proops. He'd have at least been funny.

kenju said...

I'd soil my granny panties, too. Ye Gods, what was he thinking? and what will it take to shut Bubbles up?

Mahala said...

It's been 24 hours since the meeting and I'm still a little creeped out lol.

Maybe I could put a little Super Glue on Bubbles' sippy straw?

Mahala said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Travel said...

Uncle Bert mentioned you in his latest posting.


DG said...

Holy hell. I would have pulled out a real knife and started stabbing that sumbitch. What a moron.

Er, I am kidding. Of course.

DG said...

Oh. And, Mahala? Ser-I-ous-LY, think about writing a book! You have an amazing, unique voice and a wonderful perspective - you take real life situations and make them virtual holler poetry. I swear you could make a buncha money writing.

BetteJo said...

I HATE it when they make me go to meetings about my benefits. Or about how good my company is doing. I would rather be working!!!

tiff said...

Wow. That dude needs a whole new job if anacondas and knives are the best he can come up with.

I still think we need a picture of Bubbles.

Mahala said...

Yeah I love the way they don't tell you about the meetings until that afternoon.

Maybe I can take a stealthy, from afar pic of little miss bubblicious. I'm pretty sure it would cross some line of blogger morality if I did, but pfft on it.

Bert said...

I thought your family WAS the town (or vice versa?).

I may ring tomorrow (Sunday) if I can get on top of my reports.


gemmak said...

WTF!!?? He wasn't ever gonna win anyone over with that now was he! Let it swallow your legs...yeah right! :o/

Aarin said...

uhm you do know that anaconda's are constrictors right? it'd strangle you to death before attempting to swallow you and it NEVER eats things feet first cuz they'd all get stuck... so yes, psuedo proops not only has a horribly inaccurate presentation but i wouldnt trust him with my money if the man cant even fact check on google. and after saying all that to him i woulda walked out of the meeting.