News from the Holler

I've spent so much time pissin' and moanin' about money lately, that I've been seriously slippin' in keeping ya'll up to speed with the goings on in and around the holler. Let's remedy that, kay?

Around town, the number of hikers lining the main drag increases daily. It becomes a sport for the locals, trying to dodge their little bandanna covered heads while making your way through town. I guess it's hard for them to understand that although yes, they ARE still technically on the trail, they're hiking on a state highway.

I reckon they think the black top and double yellow line is some kinda Native American hunting path.

We're starting to hear the gut rumbling roar of packs of motorcycles on Saturday mornings. There are normally two or three rallies held at the campground throughout the summer. One with the reputation for being especially rough results in every law enforcement officer in the county moving in to the holler for the weekend. They bring the big, mobile breathalyzer RV thingie, parking it by the railroad tracks and setting up roadblocks on every road in and out of town.

They don't arrest many bikers, but they piss off a lot of little old ladies trying to go to the grocery store.

Here at the Asylum, business is picking up a little. Hell, at least the phone's ringing. Bubbles is still annoying as hell. Rumors are flying that she's got a "thing" going on with Tiny, the PM. Whether the rumors are true depends on your definition of "thing" I guess. They flirt, she rubs up against him, they make suggestive comments and disappear into dark corners alone and for extended periods of time.

Personally, I couldn't care less. I hope she catches coochie crabs and her poontang rots off, but it's driving Louise ape chit. Every time they pass in the hall, Louise calls me with "Did you see that? Did you hear that? Can you BELIEVE that??"

I pretend I didn't notice, Louise has burned me too many times, baiting me to say something then running right back to Bubbles and repeating everything I said, conveniently leaving out her part of the conversation.

I was born at night, but not last night baby. (Hmmm.. I think that's a t-shirt. Or will be by this weekend.)

Around the trailer, everything's quiet. We've got a fully functioning hot water heater. Now I can shave my legs in the shower without risking sudden goosebumps. The Amazon is working weird hours, pulling some night shifts, which is kinda nice actually. A little evening peace and quiet is needed sometimes.

Ma is pouting this week, but I'm not caring. I said some things to her the other night that she didn't want to hear, but I can only take but so much 35 year old shit being tossed in my face before I snap. I've spent alot of time listening to her talk about things that I know she realized hurt me deeply, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I took it. I'm all about the self preservation lately, so I told her she needed to give it a rest. She'll mope around and refuse to eat (when I'm home anyway) for a week or so, then she'll bounce back.

I have to learn to stand up for myself. It may take another 42 years before I have it mastered.

Life is a process.

I've decided to take up gardening. Sort of. I've got a tomato plant growing in a pot. I'm thinking about expanding to a pot of beans and cucumbers. Maybe some green onions. I figure, the beans and cucumbers can run up the porch rail. We have room for an actual garden, but I'd have to pay someone to till it up for me and erect a chicken wire fence to keep the critters out. It was starting to sound like an expensive project. With Aunt Moses doing the mowing and her scary wielding of the weedeater, growing a few veggies in pots is probably a better idea anyway.

Oh yeah, and then there's my irrational fear of snakes. Come late June, there ain't no way in hell I'd be sticking my hands down around any crops.

Pots rule.

Anywho, I reckon that's the latest around the holler, around the trailer and here at the Asylum. Thank Gawdalmighty it's Wednesday, Humpday.

Hump it like horny toad.

Later Taters!

15 comments:

terri said...

Bubbles has a little thang goin' on with a guy named TINY? Now that's FUNNY!

Mahala said...

*snort*

It seems the very large, mostly bald, Uncle Fester type gets her all hot and bothered.

Travel said...

As long as tiny does not burst her bubble . . . sorry I couldn't stop myself. Wash a hiker or two this summer, it will do them good.

DG

tiff said...

Wait - ain't Bubbles MARRIED? And CHRISTIAN? ANd HIGH N' MIGHTY?

Ooooh, this ought to be goood.

Mahala said...

DG.. can I just hose them off as they go by? Oh and.. burst her bubble.. good one lol.

tiff: YES.. as is TINY

This little tidbit was over heard earlier:

Tiny: "What's the customer name?"
Bubbles: "Siemens"
Tiny: "Ooooo *giggle* that should be easy to remember. I know where you can git some a dat."

Thank God for earbuds.

Anonymous said...

Tiny: "Ooooo *giggle* that should be easy to remember. I know where you can git some a dat."

Ewwww...my brain hurts!!!

Nice T-shirt idea tho...

Mahala said...

I can't wait to be able to really produce some more tees and stuff. I can do it now, but it takes FOREVER.

kenju said...

I thought Bubbles was married too.Dang. Keep us posted on that!

I may be forced to grow some food in pots this summer too. Can't afford it at the store. Do you know how I can grow some meat? LOL

Mahala said...

Both Bubbles AND Tiny are married.. and not to each other.

As for the meat.. Dubya's got some baby ducks in a little chicken wire cage in his yard. I hope he's not gonna eat 'em.

Jeni said...

I love all the stories about The Asylum! Too funny! I can empathize with you though about the motorcycles -around here, every Saturday and Sunday we get bikers and ATV'ers racing up and down in front of the house -very noisy, some going much too fast for this road too. Our street is the main road down to the woods area, loads of ATV and Bike trails there.

Law Student Hot Mama said...

I still vote that you confront Bubbles and get it over with - like ripping off the band-aid nice and quick!

Dianne said...

maybe you could secretly leave some pamphlets for Bubbles - about STDs and crabs and herpes. Oh and perhaps a little photo of HELL!!

newduck said...

Eew, coochie crabs.

Honeysuckle Rose said...

Please God let this rumor be true.

babs said...

what's not to love about a post with the world's two funniest words-coochie and poontang.

and tell mama to stop being ugly...good for you for defending yourself! keep it up!