Tarantulas, Breeding and Evil in the Holler

The other day I posted a picture of my new desert themed garden scape.. thingie and a couple of my dear readers, Bah and Tiff, suggested that what it really needed was a big, hairy tarantula. There are a couple of reasons why this idea would not work in my house, mainly the Amazon's extreme fear of anything spidery. There would have been screaming, tears and things being thrown in my general direction had I even relayed ya'll's suggestion to her.

I have no desire to get knocked in the head by a flying household object, thankyouverymuch.

I've also placed a limit on the number of household occupants who demand regular feedings and produce waste. We are currently beyond that limit.

Nothing else that eats or shits. I mean it.

I made this decision when Miss Delicate Princess Kitty decided that she can no longer be bothered to walk down the hall to my room to use her litter box. She'll use it as long as I leave it sitting in the middle of the hallway, resulting in some interesting verbal outbursts on my part when I have to make those late night potty runs, but when I move it back to it's normal place behind my bedroom door, she prefers to take a crap in the middle of the living room floor, directly in front of the fireplace. The other four legged occupants of my house have followed suit, but I'm not going to go there 'cuz I'll just get myself all pissed off thinking about it and nothing positive will come from the whole farkin' mess.

Any. Who.

We have had tarantulas in our family before. My trashy-big-boobed cousin with the lazy eye used to have a pair of them, which she bred. This was back before they could afford a satellite dish and there wasn't any t.v. reception up on the mountain where they lived, so she had to have something to do for entertainment. Her ma, my aunt Moses, made her get rid of them when she got pregnant (She found another source of entertainment. I guess she was negatively influenced by watching spider nookie.) I heard she turned them loose by the back door of her ex-boyfriend's parents house, a story I don't doubt for a second.

Miss Trashy-Big-Boob-Lazy-Eye is just a tad bit on the psycho side.

Sometime during her pregnancy, TBBLE rented "The Omen" from K's Country Store, Tanning Bed and Game Room. It was then that she decided that the precious child growing in her womb was going to be, "a wicked lil f*cker like that'un in that debbil movie."

So she named him Damien.

Luckily, Aunt Moses refused to call him by his given name, insisting on using his middle name, Michael. Sometimes, little Michael is indeed a wicked lil' f*cker, but no more than any other kid with a psycho hillbilly for a mother.

So anyway, I'd better get back to work. At least it is Friday.. thank goodness.

Ya'll stay tuned, Bobbie over at Almost There has tagged me with a meme. This afternoon I'll be sharing six quirks of mine.. if I can narrow the list down to six. Ya'll have a good one!!


Travel said...

Our rule is nothing that makes noise or has to be cleaned up after may join the household. It is all we can do to take care of ourselves and we do enjoy getting away for a day or 17 once in a while.


kenju said...

I was in desperate need of a good laugh today - and now I'm not. Thanks for this, Mahala, it is priceless. I'm anxiously awaiting your quirks.

kenju said...

I was in desperate need of a good laugh today - and now I'm not. Thanks for this, Mahala, it is priceless. I'm anxiously awaiting your quirks.

Rachel said...

It's really too bad I'd just eaten an entire Peanut Buster Parfait...oh, I about laughed myself sick till I puked!

Law Student Hot Mama said...

1. I'm now scared that I'm Miss Trashy-Big-Boob-Lazy-Eye. I have big boobs and I'm sort of trashy . . . maybe I have a lazy eye I never noticed. Scary.

2. I have a post about Damien on my blog, as well. http://whylawyerssuck.blogspot.com/2008/01/ugly-babies.html

3. It makes me exceedingly happy that you have an Aunt Moses. I love old lady relatives who have male names. That way, when they grow a moustache, it isn't nearly as troubling.

Mahala said...

DG.. you need fishies!!

Kenju: you make me smile lots, I'm glad to return the favor :)

Rachel: Do not waste a Peanut Butter Parfait!!!! lol

LSHM: Your ability to operate a computer and form complete sentences pretty much guarantees you're not TBBLE. Sort of trashy is fine, pseudo humping your boyfriend on the Christmas parade float as "Possum Queen" is not.

Aunt Moses has s serious stache goin on... for reals.

Tori Lennox said...

I have to admit I'm in the Amazon's camp on this one. Spiders totally creep me out and tarantulas are THE WORST!

Jeni said...

Anything spiderish, or buggish around here -if it tries to peek out at any of us and is within reach of a foot (with a shoe on) is gonna be dead whatever it once was! I don't freak out quite as bad as my daughter does over these things - she will come running and screaming and demand that I, being the old fart in the house, kill whatever it is that she just saw creeping around. You should have seen her last winter when some mice invaded the house and one of 'em peeked up at her from under the computer monitor while she was checking her e-mail! I thought the poor kid was gonna go into cardiac arrest for sure! Oh and we have two cats who never moved a single muscle, didn't even blink an eye at that little mousey either. One of these two cats must be related to your too because she frequently forgets the location of her litter box too -opts for the floor in front of the kitchen sink or the stove.

Mahala said...

Tori and Jeni: I don't freak out too bad over spiders, not sure I'd want one as a pet though. The Amazon calls on me for critter removal when spideys are involved. She has a freak out fit lol.

DG said...

Girl. You have GOT to compile all of these hillbilly stories into a book someday. I mean it. This is some seriously funny sh!t! Have you ever read anything by Laurie Notaro? Her style of writing struck a chord with me - just telling about her life, but everything is uproariously, ridiculously hysterical! YOUR life could be the backwoods mountain version of Laurie Notaro. I mean it. Get a publicist and run with it, darlin'. Now git'cher mumu on and have a martini. It's Friday!

terri said...

I always feel so much better after reading one of your posts... especially tonight, when I've just announced that if the geriatric dog pees on my carpet one more time we won't have to worry about paying a bill for euthanasia. Ok. That was awful. At least I know I'm not the only one with animals that have bad potty habits.

Secondly, you just cracked my ass up with the TBBLE cousin. Maybe if I start looking at my own family in a more humorous light I'll have more fun and less dysfunction!

Bah said...

*taps foot*

Well? Where's the dadgum meme, George?

You lied.


BetteJo said...

Oh Lord, no spiders! At least - don't post any pictures if you get 'em!
You're not going to? Thanks! I'm with the Amazon on this one!

Lisa said...

Man, I was reading about the cousin with the lazy eye and I decided that you MUST be on my blogroll. Hilarious.

bobbie said...

dg has a great idea ther. Your stories are the livin' end!
Boy! Am I eager to read about those quirks!