My Southern Charms Challenged

There are five newspaper boxes in Frog Pond Holler and on Sunday morning, they empty out fast. For years I've gotten up early on Sunday, gotten dressed and headed out with my six quarters, hoping to score a thick Sunday paper, oozing with coupons and Big City sales. I border on obsessive, opening the sale paper for the ONE grocery store in the county and my two coupon caddy thingies (one for food, one for everything else,) spreading them out on the kitchen table, comparing and calculating for the best deals. It works, if you're careful not to get sucked in to spending more than you should by buying things you wouldn't normally purchase.

This past week I saved $21.00 in coupons, not too shabby.

With the winter temperatures, it's been harder to force myself out of bed at the butt crack of dawn, get dressed, defrost the truck and head to town... all before I've had my coffee. Adding insult to injury, I've missed out on getting one for the past two weeks.

Sunday papers are a hot commodity here in the holler ya'll.

This week, I decided to bite the bullet and get a Sunday subscription to the Big City paper. It costs a little more, but I figured it was worth it, considering how much I can save. I went online and signed up, I got the little confirmation email and looked forward all week to being able to lounge around in my birthday suit all morning, sipping coffee and basking in well deserved laziness.

After crawling out of bed way too early (apparently I forgot to explain to my four-legged roomates that we were sleeping in today,) making coffee and checking the computer, I found a lovely "WELCOME" email from the Big City paper.

"Your subscription begins today! Watch for those money saving deals, stories from Big City and the Sunday Funnies!"

Hot damn!

I slipped into my black, spanish flaired mumu, (hey.. it's comfy.. don't judge my fashion sense!) slipped on my clogs and headed out the front door, giddy with anticipation. I looked on the porch, in the driveway, on the sidewalk and the bed of the truck.

No paper.

I checked the email again, making sure it had today's date. It said, "If you don't receive your paper or you have any questions, give us a call!"


So I called and got someone's voice mail. I wanted to say, "Where's my goshdarnmutherfreakin newspaper???" but I didn't. I politely left my name and address.

An hour and a half ago.

I still don't have a paper and it's WAY too late to get one in town.

So if you're a watchin' the CNN this afternoon and you see video of a crazed, middle aged, chubby chick in a black mumu racing through Frog Pond Holler, ramming all the newspaper boxes in town with her big, white 4x4, send bail money.

And valium.

And coupons.

Later Taters!


Bah said...

Moon the paper delivery person when they finally show up. Make sure you write "You're late" in red lipstick across your cheeks. That'll learn 'em.

Tori Lennox said...

ROFL! I like Bah's suggestion. *g*

Jeni said...

I'm sitting here, reading your post and thinking boy, can I empathize about having to get the Sunday paper! It's a ritual here that Gram HAS to have that paper, absolute must because I go into withdrawal if I don't have access to the Sunday crossword puzzle that I can never figure the damned thing out anyway after I get it and try to work it. Daughter Mandy obsesses over the coupons and that aspect.
But when I got to the end of your post -about watching CNN and seeing a crazed woman, etc., I totally lost it! Now the family is looking at me strangely because I was sitting here so quietly one minute and the next, howling in laughter!
That my dear, was an extra special dose of Mahaha humor! Great post!

SierraBella said...

Love the new look... yeah, its been awhile since I've been here!

Sorry to hear you got no paper.

Mahala said...

LOL It's a good thing I didn't take your advice Bah (and Tori).. It's 5pm and still no paper. I would have been sitting around the house with lipstick on my butt all day!

Jeni: I may still end up on CNN

OMG Sierra lives!!! Good to see you girlie!

Honeysuckle Rose said...

Wow, I like the new look :=)

By the way, I have physically tracked down the paper delivery on a Sunday afternoon to bitch about non-delivery .... you're not alone!

It's a small town, you can find out who they are hehe.

DG said...

Find out what the paper delivery guy loves to have delivered to his house - is it pizza? Fed Ex? UPS? Then, track down his home (yes, like a stalker) and "liberate" all of his favorite deliveries. Hold said goodies for ransom until he coughs up the goods. That'll teach him to screw around with a mumu-wearin' goddess.

kenju said...

I'd sure hate to be the guy who delivers when he sees you!! I don't blame you for being upset, though, and he ought to lengthen the time of your subscription in repentance!

Mahala said...

Thanks Le Rose!! I think I'll call my cow "Moohala." I suck monkey nuts at template design.. I wish I could find someone to do a nice one for me.

Ooooo I like how you think DG!

Kenju, I should get something free, you'd think.

poopie said...

Love the cow hon. I'll send you my paper (after I read it ), but you might not be interested in Memphis goings on. And the time you get it it will be last week's news.

Dianne said...

Love the new layout. I'm not even up to "sucking monkey nuts" yet at all the bloggie techie thingies (I'm so cute I'm making myself sick)

I aspire to suck!

I cancelled the paper a long time ago - it was too stressful to wonder where it was and my good old solid preachy neighbors really hated me cussing every Sunday morning. Apparently I'm loud!? Who woulda thunk it. I thought I was a delicate lady-like flower.

Oh and I love Moohala!

Rachel said... can have ALL my coupons. They are currently serving as potty pads, but I promise not to let him use them if you want them. LOL!

Mahala said...

That's okay poopie, I'll get my paper one way or another. Even if it's not 'til Wednesday.

LOL Dianne, I've always wanted to be delicate and envied those who were. I'm not though.. I think I give up on it.

Um Rachel, it sounds like you need them lol.

terri said...

One of the benefits of living in suburbia is you can pay your subscription renewal WEEKS late and that paper still shows up without fail. Hope your delivery person gets their act together soon.