As I sit here silently fuming because our inventory control system is down.. again.. my mind wonders and I begin to ponder the subject of office supplies.
"But Mahala, office supplies are boring," I hear you say.
Yes.. yes they are, but they are an important part of all our lives, even if the only time you use them is during tax time or when you pay your bills. They can effect your mood, your job performance and the temptation to wield your letter opener as a weapon.
What has lead me to ponder this captivating subject this morning? The fact that my stapler sucks.
I spend an embarrassing amount of time taking papers from pile "A", matching them to pile "B" then filing them in a desk file. Then, after a few days when I have accumulated a pile "C" from the daily invoicing, I retrieve the previously filed papers, matching them to pile "C", removing the staple and re stapling them all together. Yes I know, this is the most boring crap you've ever read, but as you can see, I have a very close relationship with my stapler and staple remover thingy.
"But Mahala, there are people in third world countries who don't even have staplers.. and if they have to remove one, they are forced to do so with their mouths, damaging their teeth, which will, as a result, fall out and they can't afford dentures so they'll STARVE because they won't be able to chew their food... "
Wow, ya'll are a bunch of drama queens this morning. Sheesh.
Anywho...
When I attempt to staple more than three pieces of paper together, about a third of the time I'm unsuccessful. I clamp down on the papers, remove the stapler and see the shriveled up little fragment of metal, mangled in an unnatural position, with only one little piece of staple penetrating the paper. Then I have to grab my staple removal thingie, wrangle the metal bit free, depositing it into the lid from my Tacky Finger.
"Tacky Finger? Why not just toss it in the trash?"
Ahhh well you see, there is the slight chance that while flinging the metal bit into the trash that I'll miss. If that happens and it lands in the floor, when the hot headed little Cuban vacuums in the morning, he'll find the staple and freak the eff out, waving it around while running down the hall, nattering away in Spanish, calling me every name in the book and getting his revenge by blowing gravel all over the hippy van when he takes his daily, aimless walk around the parking lot with the leaf blower.
It wasn't always this way. We used to have real staplers, sturdy metal ones with brand names like Bostich and Swingline. Then the industry took a nose dive. Layoffs were threatened, cutbacks made. A big office supply chain smelled blood and moved in for the kill. There were meetings in dark alleys with shady men in trench coats, smoking cigars.
"Buy your supplies for all your branches from us and we'll supply your corporate office with beautiful concubines to meet their every desire," they offered seductively.
And so it was done. We are forbidden to order office supplies from any other supplier. Everything we buy bears the name of the big office supply chain, from staplers to pens to toilet tissue. Occasionally one of us will get froggy and figure out a way to finagle the petty cash receipts to acquire a nice pen, but not often. They even keep the crappy office supplies locked up in a cage, occupied by the tool troll who requires that you return the empty or used up pen, note pad, tape dispenser or correction tape before giving you a new one. Upon it's return it will be inspected so that it can be verified that it is no longer useable. In other words, before you go trotting out there with your empty Tacky Finger case, you'd better make sure you've scraped any trace of the vile, yellow goop from the bottom first.
"But Mahala, office supplies are boring," I hear you say.
Yes.. yes they are, but they are an important part of all our lives, even if the only time you use them is during tax time or when you pay your bills. They can effect your mood, your job performance and the temptation to wield your letter opener as a weapon.
What has lead me to ponder this captivating subject this morning? The fact that my stapler sucks.
I spend an embarrassing amount of time taking papers from pile "A", matching them to pile "B" then filing them in a desk file. Then, after a few days when I have accumulated a pile "C" from the daily invoicing, I retrieve the previously filed papers, matching them to pile "C", removing the staple and re stapling them all together. Yes I know, this is the most boring crap you've ever read, but as you can see, I have a very close relationship with my stapler and staple remover thingy.
"But Mahala, there are people in third world countries who don't even have staplers.. and if they have to remove one, they are forced to do so with their mouths, damaging their teeth, which will, as a result, fall out and they can't afford dentures so they'll STARVE because they won't be able to chew their food... "
Wow, ya'll are a bunch of drama queens this morning. Sheesh.
Anywho...
When I attempt to staple more than three pieces of paper together, about a third of the time I'm unsuccessful. I clamp down on the papers, remove the stapler and see the shriveled up little fragment of metal, mangled in an unnatural position, with only one little piece of staple penetrating the paper. Then I have to grab my staple removal thingie, wrangle the metal bit free, depositing it into the lid from my Tacky Finger.
"Tacky Finger? Why not just toss it in the trash?"
Ahhh well you see, there is the slight chance that while flinging the metal bit into the trash that I'll miss. If that happens and it lands in the floor, when the hot headed little Cuban vacuums in the morning, he'll find the staple and freak the eff out, waving it around while running down the hall, nattering away in Spanish, calling me every name in the book and getting his revenge by blowing gravel all over the hippy van when he takes his daily, aimless walk around the parking lot with the leaf blower.
It wasn't always this way. We used to have real staplers, sturdy metal ones with brand names like Bostich and Swingline. Then the industry took a nose dive. Layoffs were threatened, cutbacks made. A big office supply chain smelled blood and moved in for the kill. There were meetings in dark alleys with shady men in trench coats, smoking cigars.
"Buy your supplies for all your branches from us and we'll supply your corporate office with beautiful concubines to meet their every desire," they offered seductively.
And so it was done. We are forbidden to order office supplies from any other supplier. Everything we buy bears the name of the big office supply chain, from staplers to pens to toilet tissue. Occasionally one of us will get froggy and figure out a way to finagle the petty cash receipts to acquire a nice pen, but not often. They even keep the crappy office supplies locked up in a cage, occupied by the tool troll who requires that you return the empty or used up pen, note pad, tape dispenser or correction tape before giving you a new one. Upon it's return it will be inspected so that it can be verified that it is no longer useable. In other words, before you go trotting out there with your empty Tacky Finger case, you'd better make sure you've scraped any trace of the vile, yellow goop from the bottom first.
Why do I get so emotional over the inconvenience of crappy office supplies?
The GM and Bossman just got brand, spanking new company cars.
Disclaimer: The passage above is for entertainment purposes only. I did not intend to imply that all Cubans are "little" or "hot tempered," only that this particular employee happens to be vertically challenged and perhaps a tad bit excitable. I adore Cubans and people of all nationalities, although I seem to remember Ricky Ricardo getting a little pissy whenever Lucy wanted to be in the show, I'm just sayin'.
Nor did I intend to imply that the big office supply chain is involved in practices which are similar to those used by organized crime. I'm sure that offering concubines to the Powers That Be is a perfectly acceptable business practice in some cultures. By using the words "organized crime" and "some cultures" I in no way intend to imply anything at all to do with being Italian or Mafia related, nor that the two are in any way mutually exclusive. If you happen to be in the Mafia (which we all know doesn't really exist *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*) please disregard everything you've read, it is only the incoherent ramblings of a nearly senile, middle aged woman who hasn't had sex in a very, very long time and who can not be held responsible for anything she may say.
10 comments:
If you haven't seen the film "Office Space" yet, you must. It has a subplot all about a red stapler.
"But Mahala, office supplies are boring," I hear you say.
Hah! You didn't hear ME say that. *g* I love office supplies! I'm an office supply junkie!
Psst. I'm gonna be a pal and let ya in on a secret.
A big office supply chain - starts with a "S" has the most awesome of staplers - it's own brand.. so it's APPROVED!
"One touch stapler with staple gun power"
AWESOME!!!
It's made my days sunny and shiny in the cube and it could do the same for you.
(Ad by Ronco.) :)
I agree, what happened to quality heavy duty staplers, scissors, pens and, god forbid, paper cutters! The ones they sell these days won't cut through 2 layers of toilet paper without shredding them. It's a problem!
Rhea: That movie was just on this week.. I'll have to look for it to be on again.
tori: OMG! Me and the Amazon are both office supply junkies. Ma has a similar addiction, she can't be allowed to venture into a hardware store alone lol.
Idgie! I see you are familiar with the shady dealings of the giant office supply chain!! I'll have to look for the uber stapler of which you speak. Maybe I can work an ergonomic angle to get one.
Honeysuckle Rose, I just got a new papercutter. I had to get one of those with the little roller thing instead of the old, samurai type blade they used to have. It won't cut crap.
The only office credit card that I have ever been afforded the favor of having is one for one of the big name office supply companies. It is the only thing I can spend the offices money on without getting someone to approve it. I am so lucky!
DG
DANG! Can I come work for you DG?
Nice disclaimers. :)
Thanks melissa! I actually had the "discaimers" in mind before writing the actual post lol.
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