How to Reclaim Your Couch

Darren over at Problogger is hosting a group writing project and giving away a prize of $1001 bucks. Can you imagine how much damage I could do at the Frog Pond Holler dollar store with that much cash??? So after careful consideration, here is my "Top 5" list:

Mahala's Top 5 Ways to Get Your Recently Graduated College Student Off the Couch

5. Hide the t.v. remote. This doesn't always work, especially if there happens to be a Spongebob Squarepants marathon on. They can watch that crap for hours.

4. Run to the window and point. Say that there's a horse and carriage trotting up the road (it has happened here) and that the guy driving it looks like Viggo Mortensen. As she flees to the window, squealing with delight, dive on the couch and make it your own. By doing this, you risk being pelted with mini Hershey bars when she discovers your misleading lie, but hey, it's a chance you have to take.

3. Place a fake hairy spider on the arm rest. The screams will be deafening, but at least she'll move. If you can convince her that the spider had an entire family living in the couch, it'll be yours forever.

2. Hire an electrician to render the electrical outlet beside the couch, where she plugs in her laptop, inoperable. An expensive option, but no one said this was going to be cheap.

1. Lounge around the house "commando".. you know.. without granny panties.. and when she gets all grossed out by it, imply that you've been wallering all over her precious couch in the nude the entire time she's been away at college. If that doesn't quite do the trick, you can always say you had an affair with the snaggle toothed Slowboy from up the road, the one that mows for a living and has no intimate knowledge of a bar of soap, meeting him for late afternoon trysts, tossing the couch cushions in the floor and using them as a mattress. She'll get off the couch, but the resulting psychotherapy may be a little expensive.

Of course, none of these things have actually occurred in my house.



kenju said...

EW! Commando on your couch cushions? Remind me to wear armor if I ever visit.....LOL

The Turtle King said...

You could do what animals do and mark your territory. I mean you can't pee on the couch, but maybe leave some food debri and old sock and a beer bottle (stuck in the cushion) to mark your territory. Or another strategy would be to purchase a chair for your wife as a "gift", really the gift is for you as she will no longer use the couch. Little strategy there. LOL.

Turtle King

Karlo Licudine said...

Lol! This post is very funny.

I am still in college and I am wondering if ever I'm going to spend sometime on our couch after I graduate.

I am also wondering if ever my mom had read your post, i hope she doesnt follow your tips! LOL!

A nice and funny read!

If you have time, why don’t you drop by my post:

It’s also an entry for the problogger top 5- group writing project. ^^ Goodluck to us all!

Anonymous said...

that was funny! I do hope you win!! Congrats to the Amazon!!!! today was Court's last day of school the 21st is her graduation, Salutatorian!! I'm so proud, I know you must be a VERY proud Mom :)

Jennifer said...

I don't even try for the couch anymore. LOL... I got myself my own computer and I am a computer addict, so anything they want to watch is fine with me.

Jon Allen said...

Superb post for the pro-blogger contest.

One of the few that has made me laugh.
Why is every one so serious in the contest?

Mind you, my post doesn't have any comedy in it either :(

Jack said...

What's the big deal with laying commando? I do it all the time.