The Legend of Saushie's Crotch

I thought that yesterday I'd have the chance to lounge about, doing a few things around the house and taking it easy. I had a rude awakening around noon. Ma announced that her brother, Uncle Mullet would be stopping by.


I jumped up and start flailing about in a southern fried hissy fit, looking for clothes to put on (I wasn't nekkid, but I wasn't presentable either,) then I ran to the bathroom, closed the door and locked it. The potty palace demanded my attention if there were to be visitors. I feared he'd have the boy youngins in tow and they'd be visiting the facilities, one by one. I scrubbed the toilet and the sink and gathered up the assortment of granny panties, over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders, medieval clothing cataloges (just don't ask, kay?) and last week's Frog Pond Holler newspaper pretty damn quick as I heard the kin folk coming in the front door.

I really wanted to go hide in another room until they were gone, but it's a small house, I knew they'd find me. I gave in and walked to the living room. I was pleased to find that Uncle Mullet had only the youngest boy child with him. Bless his heart, the kid looks like the guy from "Where's Waldo," with a slight lisp. I sat in the corner and listened to the regular discussion between the brother and sister, comparing ailments, disability benefits and prescriptions. Uncle Mullet's actually cleaned up his act since I saw him last. He'd had a hair cut, didn't appear to be looking for a drink or a pill and seemed almost... dare I say it... normal.

During a lull in the conversation, Uncle M looked over at me and asked, "So, have ya'll seen Saushie's crotch?"

Um.. what?

I just smiled slightly and shook my head no, not having a clue what the sam hill he was talking about. Who was Saushie? And why would I have seen her crotch? Why would I want to? His wife passed away back in May, maybe he was dating someone named Saushie.. or Sascha.. or Saucy.

"Oh they say you smell it a long time before you actually see it, " Ma says. "It stays in the water and with all that hair, it stinks to high heaven!!!"

I didn't know who this Saushie chick was, but I was beginning to think that maybe she needed a Nair intervention... and pehaps a little Summer's Eve therapy. And how does Ma know about her crotch??? And why were they discussing it anyway, there was a CHILD present for Gawd's sake!

I sat dumfounded with the realization that I was the only one in the room who didn't have an inkling what was going on. Then Ma says to the boy child, "It hides in the water, when it sees little boys out fishing it jumps out and it gits em!!"


I mean, threatening a small child with an attack by a giant, hairy, smelly crotch???

"There was a bunch of them city folk up here looking for it a while back, they had infared equipment on those big trucks...."

Wait... SASQUATCH! I felt like a huge idiot, now it all made sense. They had been talking about Bigfoot all along. I really need to learn to listen with an accent more. And Uncle Mullet needs to work on his annunciation.

The kinfolk didn't stay long before heading down to the creek for some father and son fishing and I went back to my relaxing Sunday. About an hour passed when the phone rang. Ma hollered from her room for me to pick up the phone, which didn't work because I'd left the cordless off the charger for too long. I had to go in her room and stand beside her bed, hoping it was just a telephone solicitor so I could hang up on them and go back to the couch.

But no.. it was Lulu, my buddy from the office. She was calling to let me know that one of the guys who worked out on the floor had called to tell her that Wendel had just left his house. "Jim" had been sitting in his living room, watching the game, when he got a call from his brother (who lives just across the holler.) He'd called to ask him if he knew there was some man standing on his porch. This man had been there for a while, had never knocked on the door and was just standing out there looking around. Jim got off the phone and went to investigate and there on the porch he found... Wendel. When he confronted Wendel, he asked if he could come in and talk for just a minute. Jim, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, opened the door and let him inside.

I won't dictate the entire conversation which took place, but the highlight was when Wendel asked Jim if he'd like to go up to his cabin and maybe go off in the woods for some huntin'. Thankfully Jim had enough sense to tell him no. I'm still dumfounded that he let him in his house. After Wendel left, Jim called everyone he could think of to let him know he was in town. We still can't figure out how he knew where Jim lived, he's not listed in the phone book and Jim says he barely even spoke to him when he worked at the plant.

I thanked Lulu for letting me know and tried to blow it off. I still don't think he had a clue who I was when he left me those messages, but you never know. The big butcher knife was still on the entertainment center by the front door. I'd given up on any peace and quiet and piddled around the kitchen a little while.

The silence was broken by a knock on the door.

Holy Crap!!!

I reached for the butcher knife and peeked out through the window blinds. I could see someone out there, but just a body moving around. I took the knife in my left hand, holding it behind the door as I opened it with my right. I moved the door slowly, trying to see who it was. I was a wreck, jerking all over. This was it. Live or die. I took a deep breath and quickly pulled the door open, knife in hand and saw... the shy little "Where's Waldo" face.

Jiminy freakin' Crickets, I'd nearly stabbed my little cousin smack dab in the noggin.

"Do you have a container we can put water in? We caught something cool!!!!"

Sweet Jesus, this child had no clue how close he came to joining his mother in the hereafter.


Loner said...

I laughed so hard at that - and I waws trying ot sound it out - to gfiugre out just what they were talking about! too funny - and I'm glad you didn't stab WQaldo in the head..

aka_Meritt said...

This Wendel dude is scaring me. So at this point do you guys have to wait for the guy to come to the company before he can be picked up? If he comes to your house can the cops be called just for him coming close to you?

Mahala said...

loner: me too! I swear I thought it was him lol.

meritt: We'd all pretty much decided that it was all over, then this. But, everytime "Jim" tells the story, it changes a little, gets wilder. So I'm starting to question it's validity. There is a warant, but it was never served. As for the town cop, he said, "if he comes on your property, you just do what you have to, I'll handle the paperwork."
In other words, you go ahead and shoot him and call me when it's over.

Aarin said...

i have to say that somehow me and 'the amazon' must be destined to be friends. you'd fit right in my family *giggles* oh, this is her friend Aarin by the way. I stop by your blog when i need a good laugh.. and saushies crotch certainly did that.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I needed the distraction.


Tori Lennox said...

ROFL!!! I love your tales from the Holler. :)

But what I want to know is what Waldo and his dad caught that was so cool!

Anonymous said...

I'm from around here and I can't understand some folks either! I mean, what exactly IS a *warnet* anyway?

Funny story! Great start for my day!

Mahala said...

Hi Aarin :) I've heard a lot about you :)

David: bad day? I hope not, you're such a sweetie :)

tori: I didn't see it. When little boys say they "caught something" I tend to think slithery things. The little guy said he thought it was a mud puppy.

ac: warnet?

laura said...

My stomach hurts from laughing!

I'm with Tori; what did the kinfolk catch that was so cool?

kenju said...

Good Lord, you are one funny woman!