The Stalker Groper, Zombie Preparedness and Eunice

Zombie Response Unit
Big City is prepared for the impending outbreak.

I hope ya'll had a grand holiday weekend. I had an extra day off, so that was nice. I got a lot done around the house, but you'd never know by looking at it. We're still getting things "situated." It seems I'm always getting settled. The dresser has been gone from the middle of the bedroom for a couple of weeks now. I'm still picking up stuff, still finding weird things stuffed in hidden corners. At least now I'm to the point where I can start working on my shop again. 

Which is a good thing, seeing how my "Jammie Job" (as named by one of  my Facebook friends) only has 3 hours to offer me this week.

At minimum wage, that won't even buy a bag of bunny food.

They usually don't post all the hours until late Monday, so I'm sure it'll be fine. Either I'm whining because there aren't enough hours to go around, or I'm bellyaching because I don't have time to even scratch my hiney.

Back at The Asylum, The Groper is like.. stalking me.. in a weird kinda way. He moved his office up front so that he's across the hall from me and Lulu. We figured he was trying to get away from the noise of the plant. It's hard to concentrate with all the banging and hollerin' that goes on out there. We never suspected he was trying to become one of the girls.

Every time Lulu or I open our mouths, he materializes out of thin air and interjects himself into the conversation. I mean, everyone does it to a degree, but this is different. It's to the point that I'm afraid to speak. She and I will be fussing back and forth about the triffliness of our youngins or the price of maxi pads or whatever and she'll look up and see him standing in the hallway, just outside my cubey, grinning and staring.

Apparently the back of my head causes a stirring in the loins of weird engineering types who probably keep bodies hidden in the backyard.

The other day, I stopped on the way out to tell Peppermint Patty about the deodorant I bought the other day. I had a coupon and it was on sale at the organic grocer. It's supposed to be all natural, no aluminum, no animal testing etc. I was going to tell her how it didn't seem to be working and by the end of the day I was kinda smelling like pits and to please not judge me.

However, that conversation never took place because The Groper was lurking in the hallway.

"So I bought this deodorant at the hippie store the other day..." I began.

"Oh these hippies around here aren't real hippies," said The Groper, who wasn't even in Peppermint Patty's office, or anywhere I could see him. I looked out in the hall and spotted him by the side door.

"Well I didn't buy it here, I was in Big City.." I began to explain.

"Real hippies eat meat, they'll eat anything, you don't know what you're talking about," he finished.

I looked at Peppermint Patty. "Never mind. I have no idea what I was going to say now."

I didn't say anything about being a vegetarian or that it had anything to do with hippies or that I was trying to be a hippie. I was trying to make a joke about smelling all pitty by the end of the day. I walked away after that, but in my head, what I WANTED to say?


But I didn't because I'm on medication now.

Earlier the same day, he came in my office to ask me a question on an order. He was INCHES from me, all up in my personal space, me sitting, him standing. I had a cock eye view.. if you know what I mean.

"You brought your scanner to work," he pointed out. "You're afraid you're going to miss something? Trying to keep up with where the law is? What are you doing with a scanner? Where did you get that?"

"I just felt like it."

"Oh yeah, I see how ya are. Okay Mahala. Don't want to talk to me huh? I'll leave you alone. Why are you limping? What's wrong with your foot? You've got gout huh? You need to eat limes. Limes cure the gout."

"I don't have gout."

"Is that why you keep going to the doctor? I bet it's gout, you should tell them that."

I stood up to go pull the order he had screwed up, which requires me leaving my office and going two empty cubies down to where I keep the files. He stood between me and the door and refused to move. It took every ounce of self control to not just knock the ever living snot out of him right then.

"Um excuse me, I need to get by you," I said.

He stood there, shit-eatin-grinnin'.

"Dude.. seriously?"

"Oooooh Mahala, excuse ME!" he said.. laughing in that condescending way he has.

It's not going to take much for me to lose my shit and go all Eunice Harper Higgins on his ass.

Anywho, ya'll have a good one. I'd better get back to work. Gotta keep Sparkles happy.

We'll talk again soon. Later Taters!!!


Anonymous said...

Can you please get someone to record it when you do go all Eunice Harper Higgins on him. We would all love to see that!

Celia said...

Ewwwhhh, that guy's creepy!

tiff said...

GET you one of those 'record everything , all the time' cameras the X-factor games kids use and walk around with it on a stick in front of your face...pointing OUT. Get vid of the creeper!

Also, try Monkey Butt Powder on yo pits. Works great for me if I'm not planning on doing much of anything more physical than walking to my car.

Teressa Welch said...

If I had someone like that to put up with regularly...I'd end up in jail. That's all I *dare* say about that.