Bobby McSuperTrooper

Between Frog Pond Holler and the county seat, alongside a winding mountain road, sits a very nice house, large by Holler standards, with a manicured yard, hanging baskets and all sorts of fancy little doo-dads. To the left of the property is a small plot of Christmas trees and a corn field with a trail that leads back up to the top of the hill and beyond.

The man who lives in the very nice house is retired highway patrolman Bobby McSuperTrooper. Bobby is well known all over Hee-Haw county and beyond, with his side buzzed flat top, slightly lopsided noggin, thick glasses and protruding belly as the lawman who bragged that he'd given a ticket to his own mother. Those of us who listen to the police scanner had his badge number memorized, we always knew when McSuperTrooper was on the scene.

When I took EMT classes at the local community college, Bobby M. was one of the participants. He only showed up to about every other class, but still got credit for his hours for no reason other than he was Bobby  McSuperTrooper. The rest of us had better not even THINK about being late. On the night we practiced loading patients into the ambulance, we elected Bobby M. to act as the patient, strapped him to the gurney and took turns racing his screaming body around the slopping parking lot.

He vowed he'd catch us all on the road.

Everyone in our county and the next knew where McSuperTrooper lived. His house is often used as a landmark here in Podunk to determine the location of accidents. I think the 911 dispatchers for Hee-Haw county are actually trained to ask if the wreck is "just before McSuperTrooper's" or "just past McSuperTrooper's" or "right there by McSuperTrooper's," seeing how he lives in a particularly bad curve and that's where most of the really juicy ones take place.

For years, whenever someone told you they'd been pulled over, the first thing you'd automatically ask was, "Was it Bobby M.?" and if it was, you knew they not only got a ticket, but he didn't cut them any slack AT ALL.

Bobby McSuperTrooper struck fear in the hearts of Hee-Haw county residents.

There's a reason I'm telling ya'll all about Bobby McSuperTrooper.

Yesterday, while I was home on my lunch break, screaming obscenities at my router doohickey because every time I tried to print a shipping label for the HUGE amount of sudden Etsy orders I've received (thank ya'll.. you have no idea how happy you made me.. you know who you are) the internet would go kaplooey, I got a phone call from The Amazon. It was the phone call that all moms and dads dread, the one that makes you catch your breath, your heart stop and all the feeling run out of your body.

"Mommy, I wrecked my car."

It took me a minute or two to process what she'd said. I eventually got some sense back and hopped in Jolene to fly out to where The Amazon was. She wasn't hurt, not bad. Her seat belt left a nasty burn that looks like she was clawed by some kinda demonic entity in her sleep and I'm sure she'll be a little sore, but all in all she's fine. The front end of her Blazer got crunched pretty good. It'll start, but the insurance will most likely total it. I asked her if the paramedics had checked her out. 

"No, they didn't have time. They had to take the other driver in the ambulance. He had a neck brace and they put him on a backboard."

"Don't panic, it was probably just a precaution," I offered. "If there is any chance of a back injury at all they're extra careful."

The Amazon started getting upset. 

"It's not that. It's who it was," she added.

My mind raced. My dad's whole family lives right around there. In a split second, 20 different possible scenarios ran through my mind. My one legged uncle, my aunt Ola, some pregnant cousin I hadn't met.

"I hit Bobby McSuperTrooper."

I turned in to one of those only-goes-to-town-for-fireworks-and-checkups kinda hillbillies, right there at the side of the road. 

"OMG YOU DID WHAT? Of all the people in Hee-Haw County to hit.. YOU HAD TO HIT MCSUPERTROOPER???????" Arms were flailing, I was stomping out into the middle of the highway, trying to see how bad his car was as they pulled it up on the rollback. I thought I was gonna have a full blown hissyfit right there in front of God and everybody.

I eventually simmered my little ass down and we made it back to the house. All evening, T.A. kept saying, "OMG he's OLD and he's GONNA DIE."  I had Thelma call the hospital this morning to see if Bobby M. had been discharged and he had. All day today at The Asylum, people's reaction has been the same.

"The Amazon wrecked her Blazer? OMG is she okay? Did she total it? Who did she hit?"

"OMG SHE HIT BOBBY MCSUPERTROOPER????????"

And then they laugh. I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

Anywho, that's how MY week is going. How about yours?

Ya'll be careful out there. And wear your seat belts.

Later Taters!!

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