Sucky Vampires

The snow is dumping by bucket loads like that old storyline on General Hospital when the Cassadines changed the weather and made an arctic winter in Port Charles falling peacefully on Frog Pond Holler this Monday morning, turning the entire town into a redneck amusement park with Bubbahubbies in four wheel drives sliding off the road while letting loose with a primal rebel yell, just before their truck plows to a stop in front of the beer store winter wonderland full of sparkling ice and beauty.

I was pretty much stuck in the house all weekend, but we had free Showtime and even though the Directv is still screwed (after three visits from their "technicians" to "fix" it) I still managed to see both Twilight and New Moon... finally.

Don't judge me. It's not like there's a movie theater here in Podunk.

I tried to like it. I did. I wanted to get into it, be excited like everyone else in the civilized world, but I just couldn't. Why? Well...

  1. Bella gets points for driving a cool old truck, but then.. she was never driving it. Apparently she's tough enough to go gallivanting around in the middle of the night with vampires and werewolves, even hopping a plane and bravely facing a whole damn room full of the undead all the way over in Italy, but she's too damn delicate to drive her own truck? Seriously? Jolene weeped a little when she heard.
  2. Dear Dad the Cop Guy: Your daughter is lying in bed screaming like she needs an exorcism. Do you think maybe you should take her to the damn doctor? Perhaps borrow a couple of Valium from someone? Good Gawd. She clearly needs to be hospitalized. 
  3. When your sorta boyfriend climbs a tree and ends up in your bedroom in the middle of the night, shirtless and cut like a GQ model, when he was a frumpy kid with really bad extensions a few days earlier, then leaps from the second story window, after reminding you that his people are descended from wolves, can you really act surprised when he morphs into a big puppy? No one is that stupid. Especially someone who's last boyfriend was a vampire.. you'd think she'd be a little more open to weird men.
  4. What the feckin' hell is up with the hair and makeup in these two flicks? Edward? In the first one, there are scenes where his face is two shades lighter than his neck. And I dunno what to even say about his hair. 
Maybe it's my hillbilly genes or possibly my age, but by the end of the first movie I wanted slap whiney assed little Bella around a little. Drama queen much? If she were my kid, I'd take that truck away from her, she obviously doesn't have enough sense to even drive. Stumbling around with that sullen, "whoa is me" look on her face, hanging with the wrong crowd (they're undead, can't get much more "wrong crowd" than that) and obviously suicidal, I'd have her committed.

I guess I'm getting old. I prefer my vampire movies with teeth and blood and blatant sexual overtones, like "Interview with a Vampire" and "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

Pardon the pun but, Twilight sucked.


Give me Buffy and Angel over Edward any day. Or Blade. Or Underworld.