Hearing Voices

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.. a beautiful day for a neighbor.. won't you be mine.. could you be mine? Won't you be.. my neighbor?"

Yes chil'ren, I've finally gone right over the edge, falling off into the abyss of terminal craziness.

I was up and at 'em early Saturday to get Sammy and Ayla to the vet over in Scary Hillbilly Town. While everyone around us was screaming about Snowpacolypse 2010, we just had a little freezing rain here in the holler, so the drive into Tennessee was uneventful.

Once there, I was pleased to find the lobby empty. That almost never happens on Saturdays. After tricking Sammy into the exam room (he's on to them) and Ayla's first offical anal probe (she was not pleased) the vet took Sammy back to get some blood (he had to carry him, he was not going voluntarily) I was left with Ayla in the exam room.

I was sorta thankful, I was having an anxiety fueled perspiration fit, because I'm not dorktastic enough and I have to break out in a sweat for no apparent reason. As I sat there in the quiet room, I tried to tell myself that I had no reason to be leaking all over the place, using every self-calming trick I knew.

Then it happened.

The voices.

Oh. My. Damn. I really am batshit crazy.

I looked around for a radio or something but aside from the laptop across the room, there was nothing the sounds could be coming from. I listened more closely, trying to figure out what they were saying.

"Meck-le-nooooome. Meck-le-nooooome."

What the freckin' hell?

I had seen two old farmer guys come in, the type that look like they only get to town once or twice a month. I thought maybe one of them had a VFD radio or something and that's what I was hearing, but it still didn't make sense.


Wait.. was that coming from my change purse? I'd left my big purse in the truck, carrying only my little mini purse with my check book and cards. I picked it up and found that yes.. that was where the voices were coming from.. or rather.. from my cellphone in the attached case.

I had butt dialed The Amazon.


I hung up on her when I realized what I'd done. I called her when we got out of there, apparently I'd butt dialed her when I got out of the truck. She'd had me on speaker phone listening to the whole, entire vet visit.


Once I got everyone home, we all took a nap. Going to the vet is stressful, yall. Especially when you hear voices.

I tried to go to the dump yesterday, but it was closed. I think they just open whenever the mood strikes. My front porch is piled with trash bags, I'm telling the neighbors I'm going for my second Hillbilly merit badge. Oh and the washer is still out there too.. and an old seat from the van. When you factor in that nice big whiff of sewage you get coming up the front steps.. well.. let's just say we're quickly becoming the nasty people of Frog Pond Holler.

Yesterday I loaded Ayla and a couple of loads of laundry in the truck and headed to the new laundromat. It's not bad actually and more importantly, it was empty. I left Pupzilla in the truck while I got it all going, then took her out for a walk around town. We walked down to the river and nosed around a little, then wandered around the big lawn at the spa before heading down to the post office to check the mail. When we returned to the laundromat, our clothes weren't quite done, so we sat out on the bench and watched traffic go flying by for a bit.

Oh and because I was wearing pants that were just a tad too short and no socks with my tennis shoes (they were all in the wash) everyone I knew drove by and waved.

My intentions were to get my coupons together and go to the grocery store after I got both loads of clothes home and into the dryer, but that didn't happen. By the time I carried two loads of soaking wet clothes from the truck to the house, my back was screaming, "OH MY GAWD YOU DUMBASS!!!"

The grocery store could wait. I told Ma I'd run to the dollar store for come Cokes and something for dinner, so she handed me a list.. because apparently she couldn't hear my back screaming obscenities.

I wallered my big butt back up in the truck and pulled out of the drive, no easy task because our entire yard is filled with mud. I have to use my 4x4 just to make it out to the road. I'm so farkin' redneck. It was dark by then and I spotted two headlights flying up behind me as I pulled out. They were riding my hiney pretty close and it ticked me off, so I just took my foot off the gas. Were I feeling a little pissier, I would have slammed on my brakes, but I felt like being nice.. sorta. I slowed waaay down before I pulled in the dollar store parking lot. Imagine my delight when I discovered it was none other than Bubbles, bringing the whole brood back from Sunday night services.

And? She stopped at the dollar store, parking waaay on the other side of the parking lot, then sending her Bubbahubby inside, who avoided me like the plague.

Heh. He's askeered of me.

Needless to say, I'm plumb tuckered from my weekend adventures. I don't even mind that this morning I was faced with a tub of left over water and assorted filmy substances from T.A.'s shower last night, making it impossible for me to have one before work, or that my hair is doing strange and wondrous things. I'm just thankful I can sit down for a while.

I reckon I should get back to work. I could.. possibly.. get caught up today. We'll see.

Ya'll take care, we'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!


tiff said...

Dang - you need a break from your weekend!

Anonymous said...

just sort of presumed you heard voices most days.

Bert said...

Anony-mouse above is me!

bubbleboo said...

I hope you got caught up! Oh, and I have something for you over on my blog, too :) The post is called 'Bring Me Sunshine'.