Hurling Monkeys and Lesbian Pigs

Have you ever had such a busy weekend that you were thankful to get back to work on Monday morning, just so you could sit down?

And considering where I work, that's saying alot.

The Amazon took the truck to Big City Friday night, then again Saturday morning for job #2. I figured, since I was stuck at home I'd try to get some stuff done. The dog lot needs to be moved down and over a bit so that the oil man can come fill the tank. I figured, although it's 30' x 10', I should be able to move it a little at a time.

Once I got out there, I realized I had a small problem. A tree, about 16 inches in diameter, had sprouted in front of the first panel and it was going to have to come down before I could move anything. It took a phone call to the Amazon at work and listening to Ma bicker for ten minutes about "I hope you don't think you're planning to get another dog," but I finally found the saw. It's a carpenters saw, not ideal for taking down small trees, but it's all I had so I gave it a shot. I ended up cutting about a fourth of the way through before I finally just bent the damn thing over and stomped it until it broke.

I'm almost as handy out in the yard as I am in the house.

I eventually gave up on the dog lot.. and it pains me to admit this, but as I sat here typing it dawned on me that all I had to do was remove the front panel to bypass the tree.

*insert eyeroll here*

Any. Who.

Sunday morning the Amazon came home from work early after hurling monkeys down at the Pump n' Go. That was around 1 p.m. She was still screaming at John at 2 this morning. When I got up to get ready for work, she was propped up on the couch, looking like death warmed over, wrapped up in one of the quilts Mamaw made with both dogs piled on top of her, refusing to move.

I don't know what she's got, but I'd better not get it.

Sometime last night, as her fever climbed to 102°, she started telling me about her friend's grampa going out to the pasture to see his women. I was all like.. saywuthuh? She finally clarified that his "women" were his cows. She then went on to tell me about the pigs up the road from them.

Amazon: "Her granny said they's lesbians."

Me: "The pigs are lesbians?"

Amazon: "Yeah, right up the road, you can hear them. This one night, Shelly (her friend's mom) made everyone load up in the car to go ride by there and spy on them."

Me: "The lesbian pigs?"

The Amazon looked at me like I'd lost my mind. "The pigs aren't lesbians, they belong to lesbians." The really scary part about this whole conversation is that it made more sense to me that they were spying on lesbian pigs than their owners.

Me: "So Shelly wanted to go spy on the lesbian neighbors?"

Amazon: "Yes"

Me: "At night?"

Amazon: "Yes"

Me: "Well.. what did she expect to find? Did she think they'd be doing some kinda half naked, ritualistic dance in the moonlight?"

Amazon: "I dunno, prolly."

Me: "I mean.. seriously.. did she think they'd be like.. golfing out in the yard.. or woodworking.."

Then she took a sip of Gatorade, jumped up and ran to go puke some  more.

Oh.. I did manage to fix the couch.. again. I heard a spring pop last night, but the rest are holding steady. The Amazon says I made it uncomfortable and Ma says I didn't learn a thing from the washing machine and that I need to learn when to throw in the towel and go buy a new one.

I get such support from my family.

Ah well, Bossman hath returneth from his week in exile. I'd better go pretend to give a rat's patootie.

Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!


kenju said...

Thanks for the laughs!!

BetteJo said...

.. about the dog run .. sounds like something I would do. I generally do not see what's right in front of my face and do everything the hard way. The first time anyway. :)

tiff said...

:) Totally with you on the lesbian pigs thing.