Of Satanic Cults and Big Headed Germans

I was working away late yesterday afternoon when I received a call from the Big Headed German over in accounting.

"Hey Mahala! How's it goin?"

"Oh I'm okay.. what's going on?" I asked, anxious for him to get to the point. I needed to finish putting in the big, weekly order from our one, huge customer and I was getting a little annoyed that I was playing operator at the same time.

"I just finished payroll for next week. You'll be happy to know that your check number ends in 666."

"Oh wonderful," I answered. "One more little curse in my life."

The Big Headed German laughed, in his big headed way and said, "Didn't they say that wasn't really the number?"

"Yeah, that's right, I remember now, they said it wasn't translated correctly from the original Greek. I don't remember what it's supposed to be though."

"Isn't it 999?" he asked.

"Ummm no, I don't think that was it," I answered, glancing down at the pile of data entry I still had laying in front of me and glancing at the clock, realizing that time was running out.

"Did you know that if you connect the stars in the Proctor and Gamble logo, you draw 666?" Apparently BHG had evil conspiracies on the brain."They're sideways and backwards and upside down, but they're there."

"No, I never heard that, I always heard they were owned by the Moonies. Hey.. if the sixes are all upside down and sideways, they could be nines too right?" I think this was around the time I decided I didn't give a big butt zit about the data entry anymore and moved the pile to the side.

"Hey, that's right!" he exclaimed, apparently impressed with my magical number decoding abilities. "But, what's a Moonie?"

"Don't you remember Reverend Moon.. and that cult.. back in the late seventies I think?"

"OOoooh you mean the ones who were waiting for the mothership to take them back on a comet. Weren't they from the moon?"

"Oh my gawd no. That was after I came to work here. I'm talking about back when we were still in high school."

"Oh yeah," BHG said.

"Well, anyway, I should get back to work now that you've told me that my paycheck is cursed and I'm doing laundry with Satan's detergent."

"No we cleared your paycheck, remember? The number of the beast isn't 666," the Big Headed German reasoned. I guess he was trying to make me feel better.

"True," I added. "Wait, isn't it supposed to be BR-549?"

"What? I've heard that somewhere," he said.

"Yeah.. from Hee-Haw.. there's always that cartoon goat at the end.. and you know goats are the sign of Satanic cults. I heard Lulu represented the Pagan goddess of fertility, with her voluptuous curves and Junior Samples supposed nonsensical ramblings were actually demonic instructions, veiled heavily in secret code for their army of followers."

The Big Headed German was silent.

"There were wild orgies where the moonshine flowed like water and all those big busted women exchanged their Daisy Dukes for long, flowing, black robes. I saw a picture somewhere on the internet where an insider snapped a picture of of their sacrificial offering... a family sized bucket of KFC.. which was ceremoniously fed to that big bloodhound.. the resulting slobbers were collected in Mason jars and were thought to posess magical powers..."

"Wait.. is this those Moonies you were talking about earlier?"


"YEAH! Thats it!" I said. "Anywho, I'd better get back to work, I'll talk to you later."

I still managed to get my orders entered before quitting time.. but not without stopping to think about the Big Headed German and the look he'd have on his face when it finally dawned on him what Hee-Haw was. It's that big head... too much empty space in there.

It's Friday ya'll. I just wanna take off my clothes and roll around in the wet grass with happiness.

Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!

Disclaimer: I do not really think Hee-Haw is satanic. I was raised on that show and still watch it from time to time, Sunday nights on the RFD channel. I do not in any way wish to state that Proctor and Gamble or any of it's holdings is actually part of a cult, satanic or otherwise, nor do I wish to insult the members of any religion, group, cult or collection of individuals with a common belief.

The initials "KFC" is not meant to imply the name of a famous chain of fried chicken restaurants, any similarity to that company is purely coincidental.

I love bloodhounds and would never say anything to soil their good name, nor did I wish to imply that they produce an unusual amount of slobbers, although the substance may, indeed, possess magical powers. You can adopt your own magical slobber producing bloodhound here.

Any similarity between the fictional Hee-Haw fertility goddess Lulu and my co-worker Lulu is purely coincidental. I'm pretty sure co-worker Lulu doesn't even know what a Pagan is, but her sensitivity to cold and extreme lack of blood circulation does make me wonder sometimes if she is actually human.


kenju said...

I lvoe all your disclaimers!!

Keli said...

I knew Hee Haw had a preternatural hold on me that was here-to-fore inexplicable!

Tori Lennox said...

ROFLSOHICB (rolling on the floor laughing so hard I can't breathe)!!!!