Giving Me Good Vibrations

So have ya'll seen the latest in cosmetic developments? I'm not talking about the super dooper wrinkle eraser creams or the new and improved spackle and crack fillers.. I'm talking about that wonder of modern science...

.... Vibrating Mascara

We can put a man on the moon, send a robot to Mars, identify guilty criminals by the genetic makeup of a drop of their spit.. but the best thing we can come up with to make me look and feel like a super model is a mascara applicator that VIBRATES?


Ya'll know I've got the wonky joints and my hands tend to suddenly go off and do their own thing without rhyme nor reason, especially in the early morning hours. I can just see me staggering into the Hee-Haw clinic, my left eye swollen to twice it's normal size, bloodshot and surrounded by jaggedy, black smears, looking like a Picasso painting of a racoon, trying to explain how I impaled myself with vibrating mascara.

Oh yeah... the Tuesday Night Fried Chicken Social down at the Baptist church would be buzzing with a whole new topic of discussion. Only, by the time it got to them, the story would involve a giant, ethnically specific, marital aid and a farm animal or two... because that's how we roll down here in the holler.

Which reminds me... the last time me and the Amazon went down to the spiffy, new Wal-Mart over on the edge of civilization, I wandered around the health products while she shopped for toothpaste. I found myself gazing upon the shelves of birth control options... just in case I were to ever get the chance to partake of the joys of nookie related activities again... a girl needs to know what's available. It was there that I spotted it.. right beside the rainbow pack of ribbed, nubbed and greased up condoms... the Vibrating Touch Fingertip Massager.


Now.. if you're gonna sell something that vibrates.. that right there seems like a much better use of the technology than something that goes in the general vicinity of one's eyeball.

I'm just sayin'..

Of course, I had to call the Amazon over and hint that this new product would make an excellent Christmas gift for the single mom, the price is reasonable and it's easy to find.. right there at Wally World. She was handling it okay until I pointed out that the packaging stated that the battery only lasted about 30 minutes and that she may want to include some extras with the gift.

She may or may not have fled, running down the aisle screaming for a sharp implement with which to stab her mind's eye in an effort to remove the visual that was now embedded in her brain.

Anywho.. it's Humpday ya'll  Let's hump it like a drunken prom queen. And? It's payday. I might be going to Wal-Mart after work.

For groceries. I swear.

Later Taters!