New York Hitmen in the Holler?

It's warm and sticky in Frog Pond Holler today. There's a haze hanging over the mountains, waiting for the morning sun to finish burning it away. I'm still sipping coffee here at the Asylum, trying desperately to come to life.

I'm tired ya'll. I hope there's going to be a break in all the hectic life drama soon. I just need to nap.

The Amazon is picking Ozzy up from the vet today and while she's at it, taking psycho kitty to get her stitches out. I'm still not sure how this is going to work, one outside dog being forced to stay inside with two other dogs, a cat, a bird and a slightly off kilter Ma.

I'd say I can forget things being calm and stressless for a little while.

I do have some good news to report. Due to a little Redneck ingenuity, what was formerly a 10x10 kennel with a sagging tarp is now a (slightly lopsided) 10x30 kennel and by the end of the day it will have a proper roof over one third of it and the outgrown dog house, which was built for me by a guy down the road and has served him well for 9 years will be replaced by a larger one, with cedar construction and... a window.

The kennel is still attached to the small fenced in area by the back door, so not only Ozzy, but all the mutts will have plenty more room to stretch their legs.

And this.. makes me happy.

In other news...

My trashy big-boobed cousin with the lazy eye's youngin has been at the house since Saturday. She finally went home last night. She didn't want to stay home, what with the hitmen stalking the house and all.

What? I didn't tell you?

Well dang...

Over the weekend, Aunt Moses called and asked for a ride up the mountain to her place to gather up the grand youngins, because there was a bunch up there fighting and carrying on.. or at least, that's how Ma told it. I was all like... a bunch of hillbillies fighting up on the mountain? Crank up Jolene while I put on a bra and we'll go check it out!

Yeah.. there ain't much to do around here for excitement. We take what we can get.

So I pick up Aunt Moses over at my uncle's house and she hops in and says, "And that's yet another reason why you don't go finding you a man off the internet!"

After I assured her that I had no intentions of doing that myself, I asked her what the hell was going on.

"That crazy bitch left ten messages on my answering machine, which I have saved, and she said she had friends in W'ville who would come over here and take care of Yorkie (the new son-in-law.)"

"Wait.. who are you talking about?" I asked.

"And? She said she was going to have us all arrested for kidnapping. Stupid bitch.. she's the one who brought the youngin down here."


"YORKIE'S MAMA," she answered, obviously irritated that I didn't know what the sam hill was going on, "crazy bitch.. she's a drunk and she's.. and I mean CERTIFIABLY... crazy."

"Ohhhh. What youngin? Yorkie's?"


By now were were about 3 miles outside of town when Aunt Moses thought she spotted her daughter, my trashy big-boobed cousin with the lazy eye, heading towards town. I had to pull off in a field and whip around after it, but we lost it by the time we got back to the holler and then realized it wasn't her anyway. She was supposed to be bringing her youngin to stay with Ma until it all blew over.

On the way back out of town, Aunt Moses explained that it had all started the night before, when some guys broke in a house at the bottom of the hill from where they live. Apparently the law (that would be Thelma's husband and the dude who forgets his shoes) along with some county deputies, ran the culprits all over the woods up on that mountain. It wasn't until the guy who's house got broken in to got to talking to one of the other neighbors, who knew about the threats Yorkie's mom had been making that they started putting it all together.

So then? Saturday night they came back, riding up and down the road, hollering and firing guns and carrying on.. and that's why Aunt Moses was hell bent on getting the youngins out of there.

To get to their house, you turn off the main highway onto a paved road and follow the creek back about three miles, then you start up the actual mountain road, which has only been paved for about two years, where the surrounding forest is so thick that it meets over head, creating a canopy. It's creepy in the daytime. It's downright skeery at night.

You follow that road up the mountain, the creek running along one side, the side of the mountain on the other for another 8 miles or so until you get almost to the top. There, you find a mailbox on the left and what used to be a dirt road leading another quarter of a mile up into the woods. I say "used to be a dirt road" because it's not been scraped or maintained at all since Uncle Barney's daddy died and now there are craters in it large enough to lose a VW bus. It would be pushing it to even call it a trail.

When we reached the mailbox, we spotted a police car just beyond the turn off. Aunt Moses instructed me to pull ahead and roll down my window, which I did.

"HEY CLETUS! IT'S ME, MOSES!" she hollered in the dark. I'm not sure if Cletus didn't hear her, didn't recognize her voice or just needed to feel manly, but he switched on his uber spotlight and stuck it directly in my face.


Way to sneak up on some crooks ya'll. Sit in the road and holler like a bunch of idgits. Sheesh.

Anywho.. after some small talk, we backed up and turned up onto Aunt Mose's cattle trail road, bounced and jiggled all the way up to find the whole family out in the yard around a deputy's car, shooting the breeze, laughing and carrying on. I half expected someone to hand him a beer.

I didn't stay for the gathering. I got Jolene turned around and headed back down the mountain. The law still hasn't arrested anyone and we're still not sure if the whole escapade had anything to do with Aunt Moses, my trashy big-boobed cousin with the lazy eye and her New York hubby or not. It may have just been a case of my cousin jumping on the drama bandwagon.

Hey.. I got out of the house on a Saturday night. The law was involved. Seemed like old times.

Ah well. Ya'll have a good one. I'm gonna get to back to work. I hope the noggin doc brings extra legal pads to scribble on tonight. She's going to need them.

Later Taters!


Dylanorion said...

Oh man... I wish I was back on the farm when I hear stories like this. Thank you, it really warms my heart.

tiff said...

I think I need it diagrammed for me. :)

"Seemed like old times" - classic!

kenju said...

Sounds like the Hatfields and the McCoys to me!! Only instead of horseback, you went in

The Haeven Crew said...

Wow... you guys need a reality show... :D

Tori Lennox said...

At least you got a Highly Entertaining blog post out of the deal. *g*

And I agree. You guys need your own reality show.

Significant Snail said...

Well it sounds like you're having all the fun! You go girl!