Dear Darlene

Dear Darlene,

While I know you enjoy your maintenance/cleaning position here at the Asylum, there are a few things we need to go over. You do a great job keeping everything spic and span and we all appreciate it, but do you think maybe you could shut the hell up be just a tad bit less chatty in the process? I'm sure you're sincere when you interrogate me inquire about my truck, washing machine repairs, my family and why I'm out walking around the building every morning, all before I've managed to shove my purse in to my desk drawer.. but honestly? I'm just not a morning person. I'm not chatty before noon and it's getting more and more difficult for me to be polite about it.

Oh and could you please stop telling me, "I bet you sure do miss Bubbles. Maybe she'll get to come back to work soon." Because I don't. I'm glad she's gone. I've never been happier and I'm running out of polite ways to change the subject without telling you exactly how I feel. I realize that all of Frog Pond Holler thinks the girl's poop doesn't stink, but I've got news for you. She's a backstabbing biatch.

Oh and another thing, since we're all caring and sharing this morning, I know that while you begin working an hour before we all come in, you schedule your cleaning duties so that you're in here ramming your big ass, obnoxious sounding vacuum cleaner in to my chair, jarring the crap out of my delicate bootay, just in time to greet PG at the door, fawning over him, thrusting your tiny little bewbies in to the air and giggling like an effin moron flirtatiously. We've all noticed it and it's pathetic. So stop. For the love a' God.

I'm sure you're a nice person Darlene. I know you're exactly as the Universe intended you to be and in that sense, you are perfection. I'd just appreciate it if you could practice your perfect morning person bubbliness down the hall somewhere.

Kay? Thanks!

Signed,

Not A Morning Person

Mahala