I Am Woman Hear Me Whimper

The holler is frozen ya'll. The whole damned thing. It's like Jack Frost upchucked a whole freakin' year's worth of butt clenching white coldness straight down in this one spot.

It finally stopped snowing around 7 o'clock tonight. It's so cold that my fancy shmancy digital thermometer just says "--." I think it gave up.

I made it half way up the hill to the asylum this morning, only sliding a few times, before I got stuck. Not off in a ditch somewhere or anything logical like that... no... I got stuck in the road. Right in the middle, at that spot on the hill where I was just coming in to view of the office windows.


Everytime I tried to move, the ass end of my truck scooted to the right.. then to the left. It went every which way but forward. If I scooted too far I was going to end up either in the creek to one side or the river on the other. Both were a long way down.

God forbid the company should spring for some guard rails to protect it's valuable employees.

So I stopped. I sat there with my foot on the brake, staring at the floor, contemplating the four wheel drive shifter thingie. You see.. I've had Jolene for over a year now but I've never used the four wheel drive. I was confident that I was going to move that .. thingie.. without performing some top secret procedure known only to tobacco chewing rednecks and as a result, cause my entire transmission to literally fall out from under me.

Welcome to my own special blend of irrational paranoia.

I did what any irrational, coffee deprived, city born girl, forced to live in hillbilly hell would do. I leaned over in my seat, my foot on the brake pedal, while perched on a snowy, ice covered road, mere feet from impending doom and began emptying my glove compartment. A can of berry scented Febreeze air freshener, some KFC napkins and a leftover cardboard pine tree on a string (it came with the truck) went flying through the cab while I searched for the manual.

Yeah.. that's right. I was going to sit in the middle of the road and read the owner's manual. I figured, I've been meaning to look that up, this was a good a time as any.

And I did. Because that's how I roll.

Once I was able to overcome my fear of breaking anything mechanical, reaching down and jerking the lever into 4wd, I was amazed at the ease with which Jolene began to move up the snow covered road and into our assigned parking spot.

I felt like I'd earned my hillbilly merit badge. I was relieved to find that no one was looking out the window while all this went down.

The high tomorrow is supposed to be 31°, then it's supposed to warm up to SIXTY on Friday. I can hardly wait.

Ya'll have a good one. It's almost Friday eve.

Later Taters!