I Am Woman Hear Me Whimper

The holler is frozen ya'll. The whole damned thing. It's like Jack Frost upchucked a whole freakin' year's worth of butt clenching white coldness straight down in this one spot.

It finally stopped snowing around 7 o'clock tonight. It's so cold that my fancy shmancy digital thermometer just says "--." I think it gave up.

I made it half way up the hill to the asylum this morning, only sliding a few times, before I got stuck. Not off in a ditch somewhere or anything logical like that... no... I got stuck in the road. Right in the middle, at that spot on the hill where I was just coming in to view of the office windows.

Great.

Everytime I tried to move, the ass end of my truck scooted to the right.. then to the left. It went every which way but forward. If I scooted too far I was going to end up either in the creek to one side or the river on the other. Both were a long way down.

God forbid the company should spring for some guard rails to protect it's valuable employees.

So I stopped. I sat there with my foot on the brake, staring at the floor, contemplating the four wheel drive shifter thingie. You see.. I've had Jolene for over a year now but I've never used the four wheel drive. I was confident that I was going to move that .. thingie.. without performing some top secret procedure known only to tobacco chewing rednecks and as a result, cause my entire transmission to literally fall out from under me.

Welcome to my own special blend of irrational paranoia.

I did what any irrational, coffee deprived, city born girl, forced to live in hillbilly hell would do. I leaned over in my seat, my foot on the brake pedal, while perched on a snowy, ice covered road, mere feet from impending doom and began emptying my glove compartment. A can of berry scented Febreeze air freshener, some KFC napkins and a leftover cardboard pine tree on a string (it came with the truck) went flying through the cab while I searched for the manual.

Yeah.. that's right. I was going to sit in the middle of the road and read the owner's manual. I figured, I've been meaning to look that up, this was a good a time as any.

And I did. Because that's how I roll.

Once I was able to overcome my fear of breaking anything mechanical, reaching down and jerking the lever into 4wd, I was amazed at the ease with which Jolene began to move up the snow covered road and into our assigned parking spot.

I felt like I'd earned my hillbilly merit badge. I was relieved to find that no one was looking out the window while all this went down.

The high tomorrow is supposed to be 31°, then it's supposed to warm up to SIXTY on Friday. I can hardly wait.

Ya'll have a good one. It's almost Friday eve.

Later Taters!

8 comments:

Jeni said...

Oh, you have no idea how comforting it is to not be the only one who was more than a little fearful of putting a vehicle down into that 4-wheel drive zone! My little jeep -a bit older than your Jolene but still new to me with respect to the 4-wheel drive stuff -I had to use it several times in the past couple of weeks now. Occasionally just to get the jeep out from my parking spot in front of the house! Last night, in the middle of a bit of a snowstorm here, I had to venture out and would never have made it up one of the several hills one must traverse in order to get out and away from this little village in the hills where I live! Yep, it is indeed a godsend once you get over that initial fear that using it will not cause the innards of the vehicle to fall right smack splat in the middle of the road!
Keep on truckin' huh?
Peace.

Significant Snail said...

LOL! I'd have done the same thing - ie: read the manual right there. It's not like you were going anywhere anyhow! Thank God you didn't have to ask some bubba or other for help...

kenju said...

I'm so glad you didn't fall into the creek or the river!

Dianne said...

Way to go Jolene!! And you!!

I'm lucky that my car has 4 wheels - period.

I would have done the same thing with the manual. Irrational fear breeds good research skills ;)

Meritt said...

I know I shouldn't laugh because I remember living in Nashville and having to go somewhere when it was 54 degree's out and swearing I would NEVER live anywhere that it EVER got colder than that.

But of course, NOW (and I kid you not) it was 11 degree's below zero earlier this week and two of my kids didn't wear a coat at all. At 21 degree's yesterday none of the lot-guys and 'baggers' at the grocery stores had jackets on. Just their white work shirts. I had a light jacket on over my blouse and skirt (came from work) but it was unbuttoned.

By 35 degree's we seriously see people in shorts.

:)

BetteJo said...

I think I will always drive something that has 4-wheel drive. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

Wildhair said...

Good giggily wiggily! That totally sucks, but at least you know that 4-WD thingy works on Jolene.
Yeeehawwww you're all countrified now, darlin' -- you bes' git over to the gun store and git you a gun rack! Cuz ya knowz that's whut comes next.
*patooie*

A Spot of T said...

At least you tried and succeeded. You have no idea how many women I know who would have backed up all the way down the hill, parked, then 'walked' back up to get to work. Or gone home in a sheer panic of the whole thing. I say yea for the women who pull out their manuals and....learn!!