Kirby Salespeople Ain't Welcome Around Here

Lawd have mercy! The holler is in an uproar this morning.. we've got the law on the phone and our panties are in a collective wad.

It all began last night, while I was in the bathroom, tending to bathroom related duties.. if you get my drift. I heard some car doors slamming outside and minute or two later, I heard someone knocking on the front door, turning my normally mild mannered pooches in to a pack of wild beasts.

I heard the Amazon corral the Boston Baked Beagle in to his crate and open the door.. then it was silent. I figured it was either Aunt Moses or my trashy, big-boobed cousin with the lazy eye's youngin, so I didn't get in any hurry. I mean.. you can't rush nature anyway.

When I did emerge from the potty palace, I saw that the Amazon still had the front door open, because it was blocking my passage down the hall. I assumed she was talking to someone she knew from work or school or something. As I walked by, the girl's eyes grew and she said, "Oh, is this your mother?"

She was scrawny, she looked like she could use a sandwich or six, but nicely dressed. She introduced herself and proceeded to tell me that Quiznos had gone out of business over in Scary Hillbilly Town and they'd taken over their office. She said they were going around, getting to know people in the area.

"What kind of office?" seemed like a reasonable question to ask, but she proceeded to hand me a "free gift" of a can of Glade air freshener, then handed me two cards, explaining that they were entry forms for a trip give away.

My internal bullshit alarms went off immediately.. and that can of Glade wasn't going to cover the smell.

It was then that Miss Thang pushed her way past the door and invited her little ass in to my house.

Oh hell to the no.

She asked where my husband was, then when I said, "I'm not married," she went on to ask if I was divorced or widowed or what.

"I just never got married."

"Well! Shake my hand!" she said, wide eyed and simple minded. I just gave her the STFU stink eye while she stood there with her hand extended.

"Why?" I asked.

She mumbled something about being single or something.. I'm not sure what she was getting at.

She looked around, asked if we had any more animals, made some stupid comment about zebras and giraffes then informed me that she'd go get some stuff from the car for a demonstration while I filled the cards out.

But as she was yammering, I'd flipped the cards over and seen the only thing I needed to know.

Kirby.

Sweet Lord in heaven, the child thought she was going to come up in my house and sell me a vacuum cleaner.

"I'm in the middle of cooking dinner and we don't really have time for anything like this this evening," I began, but she interrupted before I could finish.

"Oh that's fine, we don't mind. We can stay for dinner, we like good, southern cooking!" I have to give her credit, she had balls.

"Um no, I'm going to have to ask you to leave please."

She looked shattered, she muttered and tried to argue with me, making no effort whatsoever to get out of my house. I'd had all I was going to take of this bullshit and she was going to leave, one way or another. I had to physically back Miss Thang out the door.

Girlfriend doesn't realize how close she came to an ass beating, pushing her way all up in my house.

That crap pisses me off.

This morning, I was sharing my little adventure with Lulu, who said they'd been to her parents house over the weekend and stayed for over an hour, refusing to leave when asked. The story they told Lulu's parents didn't add up with what they told us so we got suspicious. We asked Thelma if she'd heard anything about these people going door to door (she's married to the town cop) and she said they'd been run out of town Saturday. When I told her they'd shown up at my house last night, she got on the phone with her hubby, who said that the next time someone pushed their way up in my house like that, I was to "box their jaws."

Heh. Gotta love small town law enforcement.

Anywho.. after some investigating on our own, we've determined that they probably were just door to door Kirby salespeople, but that's no excuse for pushing your way in to people's homes and not leaving when instructed to do so.

So Kirby? Ya'll suck. Come near my house again and you'll be Ozzy food. He likes sales people. But next time, send one with a little more meat on their bones. He's a big ol' boy and has a healthy appetite.