Beware of the Crazy, Big Eyed Bamboo Lady

The gut rumbling roar of Harleys has already filled the holler this holiday weekend. I might just have to venture out into the mayhem before the day is over.

My grocery store trip last night turned in to an adventure. I wanted to pick up a cake and a pressie or two for the Amazon's birthday, in addition to the regular rations. I used to make really awesome cakes, but lately we've settled for the store bought variety.

After work I ran home to grab the coupons (I saved like $12 I think, but that was on $150 so.. not so great) then to the bank to deposit my paycheck. I stopped at the ATM on the way out to activate my debit card for my new business account then I ran to the dollar store. I knew the grocery store had Lucky Bamboo in their floral department and the Amazon had killed her last bunch, so I went in search of a container. I lucked out there, the containers that I had in mind, had been moved to the 50% off shelf (woohooo!) along with some string lights with little pagoda lanterns that the Amazon had been eyeing earlier.

The Amazon lurves Asian thingies.

When I finally made it to the actual grocery store, across the river, through the woods, over two mountains and by grandma's house, I made a bee line straight for the floral department. I spotted the bamboo on the counter and as I reached for one, I commented to the florist that I thought the price was less when I had seen them last.

"No! What? NO! That's the price they've always been!" I thought she was going to spaz out, right there by the mini roses. "The price on the packaging is really small, several people have commented that it was hard to read. That's why I put this big orange price sticker on them."

"Ahh okay. That's fine.. it's my daughter's birthday and this was the only thing I could think to get her."

"Ohhh well do you have a container to put them in? Whatever you do, don't put them in a container with a small opening because this one time, I saw this container I wanted, it was black and shaped like a cat.. very detailed.. it's hard to find a cat that has detail and is very well done.. and dragonflies .. or butterflies.. very hard to find.. but there was this cat and it was just perfect but it had one of these bamboo plants in it and a very small opening, but I didn't want the bamboo, so I tugged on it and it was stuck! The roots had grown so large that it wouldn't come out. Like I said, I wanted the container because they are so hard to find but I didn't want the bamboo.. but I didn't want to KILL it either so I didn't get the container."

At that instant, I should have known. I should have taken my little bunch of bamboo and ran like hell.

But I did not. Because I'm kinda slow to catch on like that.

I looked at the florist, wondering if her short, gray, somewhat butch haircut was a statement of her sexual preferences or just a self induced hatchet job. It was uneven, sticking up all over, with one very long piece, reminiscent of an 80's rat tail, twirled 'round and 'round and pinned atop her head with bobby pins. She had thick glasses making her eyeballs look huge and scary. Her teeth were yellow with one of the top front ones sort of sticking out to the left, doing it's own thing.

"I picked up a small container earlier, it has a large opening, it will be fine. I think I've got some glass marbley things at home we can put int he bottom."

The florist's huge eyeballs grew even larger as she took a deep breath, "Whatever you do, do NOT get gravel from your driveway! You can buy bags of decorative rocks just about anywhere, that's the best thing to do.. no.. NO! The best option is aquarium gravel because all aquarium gravel is epoxy coated, that's why it's all those pretty colors. If it weren't epoxy coated, it would affect the acidity of the water.. neon tetras, for instance, require water with an acidity level of..."

Sweet Lord.. she went on and on about goldfish, comets actually and the oscar that her childhood friend owned. There was commentary on the brain size and related intelligence of koi and how they were like cats.. on and on and on. I tried to slowly ease away from the counter, looking over the gift bags, causing her to move from behind the counter, tripping on a dustpan full of dirt, sending both it and herself flying directly at me.

She never missed a beat. She kept right on yacking at warp speed.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings or be rude, but good gawd, I'd worked all day, I still had a cake to find and get groceries. I finally just had to nod in her general direction and make a mad dash for the bakery. I half expected her to follow me.

I selected a cake and sat it on the counter. The deli lady didn't look as wackanuts as the florist, but she was so intent on sweeping the floor that all the throat clearing and waving when I thought she might be looking my way couldn't get her attention. I kept watching over my shoulder nervously, afraid the crazy bamboo lady would come after me.

I was this close to yelling, "Yo bitch, either climb on that broom and ride it home or get over here and put my baby girl's name on this cake," when a man came walking out from some secret corner back near the fridge.

"You want me to write somethin' on hyar?" he asked.

"Yes, please."

He grinned wide, revealing one tooth... just one.. and shiny gums... but I barely noticed, being nearly blinded by the glare bouncing off his slick, bald head. "Kin I write whatever I want?" he asked, then laughed loudly because apparently this joke just kills with the regular cake buying hillfolk.

For just a second, I struggled with my inner demons, considering asking him to let me take his picture, telling him to smile great big because I wanted my little girl to see the nice man who decorated her cake. Then I was going to post it here... and he probably would have gone along with it.

But no.. that would have just been all kindsa mean.

Funny as hell.. but mean... and ya'll know I'm a tender hearted kinda girl.

Anywho, I was finally able to do the hunting and gathering. I spotted the scary florist over on the pet food aisle, she'd cornered some poor woman over by the cat food. I considered creating a diversion so she could escape, but it wasn't worth the risk. It's every shopper for themselves when it comes to crazy, big eyed florists.

Now I think I'll go jump in the shower, find some clean clothes and run to town to check out the Labor Day festivities. Whether you be celebrating, relaxing or working this weekend, I hope it's a peaceful one for you.

Later Taters.