She Lives

Don't panic ya'll.. I'm alive!

When I last left you, I was walking around at home with buckets of perspiration pouring from my body, on the verge of killing Ma and on the backside of a southern fried hissy fit. The situation is considerably improved, but it didn't get better without a Queen-sized dose of drama...

After my last post, I went online and looked at the air conditioner selection at Lowes. I figured the square footage of the trailer and how many BTUs I'd need to cool all of it. After work, I came home and measured the window openings, writing it all down on a sticky note and stashing it away in my change purse. When the Amazon got home from work we hit the road, bound for Scary Hillbilly Town to the nearest Lowe's, about 35 minutes away.

Once there, we had a hard time finding any help, so we figured out which unit we needed on our own. We finally wrangled an elderly man in a Lowe's vest to come waller the beheamouth onto the cart, made the purchase and watched as two more guys loaded it into the back of the truck.

We stopped at Quizno's and while the Amazon was inside getting dinner, I sat outside with my gut churning at the thoughts of making a $399.00 purchase, at the same time that they've cut me back to 32 hours a week at the Asylum. I was stressin' out.

On the drive home, we decided there was no way we could lift the unit in to the kitchen window without help and we didn't have any sort of frame to sit it on. We determined it would be much easier to put it in the living room window, which is lower and faces the porch, where there was an old end table and some pieces of 2x4 that could be used to prop it up, at least for the time being.

Before unpacking our purchase, we had to rearrange all the living room furniture, otherwise the couch would be completely blocking the air.

With that done, we wrestled it out of the box. I looked at the pluggy thing. I had an "oh shit" moment.

I'd bought the wrong voltage. There was no way in hell that pluggy thing was going into any outlet in my house.

I'm too embarrassed to relay the details of the emotional scene that followed. Just know that it became evident that evening that I definitely inherited some of my mother's wonky tater genes. At one point, Ma and the Amazon sat in the kitchen, looking at me with this look of fear on their faces that said "oh holy hell she's lost her shit."

I spent most of Friday morning at the Asylum fighting a sinus/stress/I-lost-my-shit-last-night headache. I'd been super busy all week and I was determined to get all the filing caught up, especially the orders I'd entered for Bubbles' customers. If she came back in on Monday after a week on vacation and started running her yap, I'd have to rip her head off and shove it up her delicate little ass and no one wants that.

So I worked like a busy little beaver all morning while Louise, taking pity on me after I told her about my adventure the night before, got on the phone with her mother, who had just recently purchased an air conditioner, to find out what size she'd bought.

Then.. late Friday afternoon, the fire alarm went off. Now.. we have fire drills about twice a year. We have been trained, programmed even, had drilled in our heads, to grab our shit and run out the door at the sound of the fire alarm... which I did.

Louise? She runs the other way, OUT IN TO THE PLANT TO SEE WHAT'S ON FIRE!

See, we knew there was no way it was a drill. No one was working out on the floor, there were only five people in the whole building working and the HR manager was not one of them. It was mayhem ya'll. There were fire trucks, the town cop (who hitched a ride with the VFD to save gas) and the added stress of PG screaming at the top of his lungs for Louise to stop being so dad-jim nosey and get her ass out of the plant.

We sat outside for about an hour before it was determined that the water pressure had just dropped. They hoped.

None of the managers on duty, including the sales manager, the plant manager and purchasing guy, knew how to turn the beepy alarm off in the office.


For almost two hours. They finally had to call the maintenance guy to drive in from the next town to come shut it off.

After that fun filled day, I came home and faced the ginormous ac unit that would not work in my house. The Amazon and I did the best we could to waller it back into the box, then back in the truck. We drove back to Scary Hillbilly Town to Lowe's and returned it, without incident. We were blessed with the assistance of a nice young man who unloaded the giant unit from my truck, helped us pick out the best size for our house, with a pluggy thing that would work with our voltage, made sure we had credit for the first one, then rang up the second one and loaded THAT one in the truck.

All with a sweet smile and eagerness to please.

Someone up yonder was lookin' out for me, I'm convinced of this.

Oh yeah and.. it was $275. A little easier to swallow.

It took some serious redneck ingenuity, but by God we got the new unit installed. It's propped up on the end table on the porch. You can still see a little daylight around it in a few spots, but I'll make some adjustments. In the meantime, it's cold as a polar bears ass here in the living room. The rest of the house is comfortable.

I can breathe.

I still had a screamer of a headache all day yesterday, so I doped myself up on just about everything I could get my hands on and slept on the couch in front of the ac while listening to the t.v. set on a 60's Top 40 XM station. I was born in '65. There's something comforting about listening to the same music you used to hear in the car on the way to school with your mom, back when she wasn't nutso, back when she made you feel safe.

And today is a new day. I'm off tomorrow. Maybe I can get back to some sense of normal now.

I hope ya'll have had a good weekend.

Later Taters.


Rachel said...

You had quite a week, my dear! I'm glad you have AC...can't imagine facing the summer to come without it.

Tori Lennox said...

Wow. You've had quite an exciting few days! *hugs*

Jeni said...

Boy, I do so know about trying to take care of things around the home and fixing stuff -especially when you really DON'T know what the hell you're doing. (That would be me!) My Mom could tackle most any home repair/redo project and pull it of, a-ok. Me, not so much and it used to really bug the living daylights out of me. One day though, when my kitchen sink faucet went kaput, I decided if my Mom could do plumbing stuff, so could I. Turned the water off. Went to the hardware store to get a new faucet, purchased it and when I got it home, it didn't fit in the holes drilled there in the sink area. Back to the store and got a different clerk -a woman -who explained to me what I needed, but they didn't have it in stock. Had to run to neighboring town to get one in the right size. I got the whole thing in and almost done when I realized I needed two more things - a hacksaw and solder to weld the copper tubing! Neither were available and I sat down on the kitchen floor and sobbed! I did locate a hacksaw and my former next-door neighbor was able to cut what I needed and he also had solder, etc and he finished my replacement job for me! Try buying a new stove -electric -getting it moved in place and then learning too that the stove does not come with a plug -better known as a pigtail. You have to order that part separately! Lucky me, my old house, old stove, also electric so I went next door, took it off, put it on the new stove and voila! Let there be cooking! And yeah, shelling out big bucks like that is frightening enough as it is let alone realizing you can't plug it in! Glad you got things worked out and now are cool as a cucumber!

Travel said...

Great solution. It was much less expensive then repairing or replacing the central unit. If it runs more efficiently, it should cut your summer electric bills; maybe you will save back the $275 on your electric bills this summer.

I am glad you had good service the second time at Lowes. We have had such great luck with them here, that I had my retirement plan buy stock in the company. I think they do a much better job then Home Depot. But the real key is finding that cute young thing to bend over and do the heavy lifting for you (worth the price some days.)


Anonymous said...

Aw, Mahala. Sorry about losing your shit. I've been going through some of that lately due to work stress, teenage daughter and, well, middle-aged-ness. I was born in '61 and it sure does feel good to listen to the old tunes and think back on those halcyon days of youth. (I don't know where that "halcyon days of youth" thing came from - kinda scary what the mind throws out there.) Nothing like some good ac to fix what ails you!

Anonymous said...

Dang girl! shoulda went to Home Depot, I got a LG 10,000 BTU for 199.00 bucks last week!

Gotta love AC

Mahala said...

The nearest Home Depot is like an hour and a half from here lol.

Meritt said...

Well, you just pop a pretty little tablecloth over all that there wood and 'cover it up' a bit and it would look pretty as a picture in a home and garden magazine!


Seriously though... I'm just all impressed that you went and bought it yourself, lugged it out of the truck and installed it! Great job!!!!