Drugs, Hippos and Deep Thoughts

I survived my trip to Scary Hillbilly Town, but just barely. I got one Rx filled and inquired about the rest. I discovered I can save a big chunk of change going the Walgreens route. I got a copy of the generic drug list and brought it in this morning, making copies and distributing it among the other cube dwellers. You'd think our HR manager would have done this, seein' how I told her about it weeks ago, but she told me she'd just wait until I went and get a copy from me.

She drives by Walgreens two or three times a week.

Yeah.. she can get her own copy.

Anywho, I made sure Louise got one. She carries an extra purse just for her drugs. Oh she doesn't take them all, she just likes to carry them around and show them to people. She has medication for rheumatoid arthritis, allergies, fibroid myalgia, migraines, ADD, hypertension, "nerves" and assorted high powered prescription pain medications. We often hear the tell-tale "squeaky squeaky squeaky" sound of her blood pressure cuff as she checks herself several times a day, followed by her announcing to anyone in ear shot whether she's "bounta have a stroke any minute" or "damn near dead." If you ask her if she took her blood pressure medicine, she'll tell you no, she just forgets to take it, but she's quick to show you she's got plenty in her little medicine bag.

Louise is what we here in the mountains like to call "hippoed," meaning nothing is really wrong with her other than a need for attention. It matters not what you say you've got, she's got it too, only worse. She'll even go to the doctor and convince them she needs a prescription.

One day last week, as I whined and moaned with the pain of endometriosis (it only lasts one day, but damn.. what a day,) I wandered into Louise's office and had a seat. We talked, as women do when they're alone and can be frank.

"I swear, I feel like I've got a hot dagger hanging out of my gut. Maybe it'll all just fall out and I won't have to worry about it anymore," I complained.

Louise, rubbing her round belly, "I knooooow, I think I'm swollen. I think I'm a'havin' my peryod time."

"Didn't you have a complete hysterectomy?" I asked.

"Wull yeah, but I still have like.. you know.. that meaness comes over me. And one day last week, I just thought I was gonna cry. I mean it, I could have cried. I could cry right now. But I ain't gonna, I just feel like I could. KnowhatImean?"

"Bless your heart Louise. I don't know how you stand it!" I said with slight sarcasm.

"Wull, it's our cross to bur as womens. We have the sins of Eve to thank for a'layin' this curse upon us for eternity."

I tried to look solemn and nodded my head in mock agreement. I mean, in my head I had this whole theological agrument going on about sins and atonement and how that theory sort of contradicts everything else her church teaches, but I learned a long time ago that there really is no point in saying anything. I just accepted the fact that her ghost uterus was causing her way more pain and discomfort than my actual flesh and blood one and that it was all Eve's fault anyway.

Such is life in the holler.

My fear is that I'll nod in agreement for so long, that eventually the inner dialogue will end and I'll start to actually believe the theories I pretend to accept and slowly assimilate into the hillbilly collective, for no reason other than it's simply easier to mentally roll over and die than to try to have an opinion, belief or theory of my own.

I don't care who ya' are, that's some deep shit right there.

Ya'll enjoy your Humpday. Hump it like nobody's business.

Later Taters!

9 comments:

Law Student Hot Mama said...

Aw, hell, I have no patience for the "hippos." My mom has a friend who had sinus surgery even though 3 doctors told her it wouldn't help her because nothing was wrong with her. Finally, the fourth one agreed to operate but was also skeptical. She also takes a bag full o medicine.

Why take medicine when wine is all you need?

DG said...

Girlfriend in a mumu, I just tagged you on my blog for a picture meme (whatever the crap that means!) I figger you'll come up with something hilarious about the people across the street! Enjoy! http://dgsworldbybigd.blogspot.com/2008/04/pitchers.html

Anonymous said...

You must assimilate with the Borg!!! Guess there isn't a pill you can take for that!!!! Happy Hump Day!

Jeni said...

My younger daughter here has always had a bit of hypochondria but over the past five years, it has mellowed down considerably and I attribute that to my bout with cancer, three abdominal surgeries in 5 years plus the fact her husband is a bonafide hypochondriac and about drives her and ME bonkers with his illnesses and need to go get drugs and more drugs,etc. I almost clobbered him about 2 months ago when the two little ones here and I all had really nasty sinus infection/colds along with the deep croupy coughs ya know and he sniffles a bit, lets out with a fake tinny cough and says "I must have that too." Gimme a break, ya loon!
Enough on that though -just keep nodding and then telling yourself this stuff (the religious junk) is just crapola when they try to convert ya to those versions. I've managed to stave 'em off here for 36 years now.

Dianne said...

You could NEVER mentally roll over and die! It just could not happen.

Me and my son lived in a giant apartment complex for a couple of years, he was around 4 then. Every day we'd have to pass the rows and rows of older ladies sitting on the benches and comparing their symptoms.

My son asked me why they were all waiting to die. From then on we called it Death Row.

Anonymous said...

Yanno I noticed the last couple of times I got together with my brother and 3 sisters all that old people talk about our aches and pains and knee and hip surgerys and cancer and weight thing seems to be the main topic of converstaion and I think its got to stop.

I wonder if its a 50's thing, I dunno but I really hate taking any kind of drugs and talking about my period or there lack of to anyone at work, my new boss gives me gory details and I find it very annoying.

Why would anyone WANT to be sick? I just don't get it.

Bluez

babs said...

so get what ur talking 'bout! living not in the mountins but here on the nc coast i git a similar experience - thank goodness i can work from hom eif i need a break! thanks for the giggle -

tiff said...

Gah! BAGS of medicines, and PROUD of it? That's a small mean life, that is.

The term 'ghost uterus' is goign to stick with me, I just KNOW it, and dadgum but if it ain't all Eve's fault.

Joy T. said...

Oh my good freakin lord I love coming over here!!! This IS some deep shit but how you put it makes me chuckle to no end. Not the endometriosis part. I had a friend who suffered terribly with it and there was nothing funny about it at all. But the rest? Pure fun!