And You Thought Junior High was Brutal

It's been a while since the last update from the Asylum, so lets jump in with both feet:

Trouble is Brewing in Paradise

Thelma and Louise have been making little snide remarks in each other's absence. Thelma thinks Louise is crass and uncouth, while Louise thinks Thelma is a snot. It's hard to tell if their comments are genuine or if they're attempting to bait the rest of the office to join in.

No seriously, that's their favorite pastime.

From where I sit, I can hear bits and pieces of everyone's conversations. Once, when Bubbles was having one of her phone-gasms, ("Oh THANK YOU.. HAHAHAHAHAH... I'm a little devil ain't I? HAHAHAHAHAH" *slap* *snort*) Louise called me and said,"My gawd Mahala, how do you stand that all day long? I'd go crazy."

"It does get old after a while," I answered. "It doesn't do alot for my nerves and it's impossible to hear myself think."

Louise and I ended our conversation and hung up. Immediately, Bubbles' phone rang. From Louise's office I heard, "Mahala said you're getting TOO LOUD. You'd better shut up girl, you're getting on her nerves."

For the rest of the day I had to take cocky little comments like, "I guess I should whisper, since the sound of my voice upsets some people."

If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'.

Bubbles is the Same

Yeah, she's just one gum pop-snap away from me taking her down, pinning her to the ground, reaching into the cavernous cavity that is her mouth, retrieving her Juicy Fruit, stretching it out and surrounding her head, mummy style, tucking the end in her left nostril, then duct taping her hands and feet to a pole like wild game and suspending her over a bonfire.

What?

Stop saying I have anger issues. It pisses me off.

There's Comic Relief if You Know Where to Look

Yesterday, Thelma expressed gratitude that her son had changed his mind about his field of study (for the fifth time.) His latest choice, Pharmacy Tech, came about after his mother told him he'd never be happy as an Anesthesiologist. He just wasn't cut out to be a' wipin' sick people's butts.

I may be way off base here, but I'm pretty sure Anesthesiologists deal more with the other end.

Bossman Bearing Gifts

Yesterday afternoon, Bossman and I discussed our shared inability to get along with people and make friends here. This morning he left a book on my desk. He said it would help me to communicate better with my co-workers.

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary Volume 2

No lie. Dude can go for months without any signs of human emotion, then suddenly crack me up.

Ah well, I suppose I should like.. do some actual work. Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters.

17 comments:

Law Student Hot Mama said...

I worked across the hall from a woman who would go "mmm hmm" (like a yes sound) over and over again to herself. She'd also go, "oh, ok." While NO ONE WAS THERE. So I figured, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em . . . and started going "uh uh" (the 'no' noise) . . . eventually she stopped yessing.

Mahala said...

*snort*

Sometimes, when I'm in a particularly pissy mood, I'll smack my lips everytime she pops her gum or slam my desk drawer everytime she slaps her desk.. then smile sweetly when she walks by lol.

Travel said...

Did you double check the dictionary to make sure there are not any family pictures used as illustrations?

DG
(being a smart #ss)

Mahala said...

I did! Some did look a bit familiar lol.

BetteJo said...

Oh Lord. There is a lady who sits one cube away from me who makes 'mouth noises' all day. Sucks on her teeth - makes clucking sounds with her tongue - has to yawn and express how COLD she is in the LOUDEST voice possible -

It's a wonder more people don't go postal in offices.

Rachel said...

Oh, I swan! I would love to read that book. I like the bubble gum analogy, quite a bit too much. Now the thought has been placed in my evil brain. mwah hahahaha

terri said...

Does Thelma realize she's just encouraged her son to pursue a much lower paying profession? Not that money is everything, but you might as well encourage them to aim high at least at first!

Jeni said...

All things considered with respect to the other occupants of the asylum, I didn't see a darned thing wrong with your thoughts about what you might just do to Thelma. I don't think it's over-the-top at all. I'd even find fine copper wire to use to tie those things on her chest and then, a fast, snappy pull on the wire and presto, magic -a whole lot more is neatly trimmed away.
And I can't think of any time I had an anesthesiologist working on or around me that the person was wiping my butt or even any body part remotely close to it. Just shaking my head at the sophomoric behaviors that exist there.

Mahala said...

Oh Bettejo, I've come close.. so close lol.

OhEmGee Rachel! Lulu says "I swan" or "I swanny" all the time. We've gotten in to some deep discussions about the origins of that phrase.

Well terri, he's gone from engineer to sports medicine to anesthesiologist to pharmacist. He's working his way down the pay scale lol.

Dang Jeni.. remind me to NEVAH get on your bad side LOL!

Day Dreamer said...

Oh, I'd love to slap Louise around for you!!

People drive me crazy....

I just cannot undersand why people do that to each other on purpose.

What's worse is that you can't escape them when you 'live' so close to them every day.

Dianne said...

Oh Lord I laughed so hard at all of this. I just went back to work at my 2nd job - big-ass retail store and in only 2 days I have thought of so many ways to kill so many people!

And now you've given me a new idea!

Thank you from the bottom of my blood red angry heart.

U Rock!

Bah said...

"Stop saying I have anger issues. It pisses me off."

Best. Line. EVER.

Jerry said...

Mahala,
That was the best laugh I've had all week. Just remember a bad day in the cubicle farm, is a good day for your readers. Not that we enjoy your pain, or anything.

Meritt said...

Keep it coming. It reminds me of why I resigned.

tiff said...

Pharmacy tech = lower pay

pharmaCIST = gobs of pay, and about a million years of school to get through to get to the pay.

But anaesthesiologist? That's raking in the dough, sweetie, as long as he can pay the insurance premiums.

I simply cannot believe you haven't gone quite mad yet.

Mahala said...

Many would argue that I am so there lol.

DG said...

So, I take it she hadn't a clue about what a real anesthesiologist does? Like, the fact that an anesthesiologist administers drugs? Geez. Sounds like she NEEDS some drugs.