Reality Check

Blessed Bovine Batman! It was 8° this morning.

EIGHT!

When I let Yoda out for his morning tinkle and that first blast of cold hit him, he turned around and looked at me like I'd struck him with a boot. Poor, hairless Sammy wasn't even going to attempt it. He opted to crawl back in bed with Ma until lunchtime.

I worked like a plow horse all weekend, dusting, vacuuming, moving furniture. My house still isn't clean (it'll never be clean) but it's better than it was before I began. I had an episode of sorts while earning my domestic merit badge yesterday. I was watching "Real Houswives of Orange County," with their hookerlicious ho-nails, perky boobs and collagen pumped lips, as I crawled around on the trailer floor, on all fours, scrubbing various critter stains out of the carpet. Bravo was airing a marathon and on one of the episodes, one of the real housewives was having boob surgery. I don't know if she was having them enlarged, reduced, perked or primed. I'm not really a connoisseur of boobs, being a girl and all, but they looked fine to me to begin with. Her hubby was there "for support."

The Amazon walked in the room just in time to find me in the floor on my hands and knees, in front of the television, shaking the puppy tinkle, cat puke stained towel at the television, my voice raised, saying, "Look at you, that's sick. Is that what you men want? Us having surgery so that you can have your perfect little Stepford Wives, your own personal little Barbie doll? How many surgeries have YOU had? Hmmmm? She could DIE. It's SURGERY. Makes me sick."

I looked up and saw the look of concern/horror/amusement on the Amazon's face and realized that perhaps I'd been snorting carpet cleaning foam a little too long and it was time for a break.

I really need to start getting out more.

Anywho, Jeni at Down River Drivel has awarded me the "You Cheer Me Up" Award.
Don't you love the picture? I'm a huge fan of "I Love Lucy." I love getting awards, but I have a really hard time picking new recipients. All ya'll cheer me up every day and I sincerely mean that. So I'm going to break blog award tradition here and bestow this award upon all my friends in the blogosphere.

How's that for the chicken's way out?

Bawk Bawk!

Okies, enough chitter chatter. I should do some actual work. We don't want to get on Bossman's bad side. Ya'll have a great day and kick this Monday in the cajones.

Later Taters!

7 comments:

Meritt said...

For awhile there I was seriously addicted to Lucy. :) It's when I was pregnant with the BabyGirl and they played it on regular tv and for whatever reason I was home at that time (morning? night? I don't remember). LOL.

I haven't seen any episodes in years - I wonder if I would still like it as much or if it would drive me insane now? Hmmm.

AC said...

That picture is from the Chocolate Factory jobs they took - I AM a little cheered!

I've made my family take on your Amazon's look fairly often, but your description of you and the tinkle towel had me hooting! I wish we were neighbors.

Rachel said...

Ya know the funny thing is...a lot of them (Housewives of OC) really do look like that. I'll never forget actually emerging from my baby-induced cocoon at 6 wks postpartum. Stumbling out into the sunshine covered in spots of spit up, not having gotten the hang of breastpads, trying to wrangle poor lil pill into a sling that was too hot for him in the So. Cal spring...I saw not one but two moms on my block that had given birth AFTER me...calmly pushing strollers, talking on their cell phones in their perfectly matching warm up suits, perfectly made up and coiffed, even with nail polish on to boot. And this was the norm. No one could ever figure out why I moved away...but ya know, that Barbie thing is a bit overrated IMO.

Joy T. said...

I saw that episode and wasn't on any cleaner when I yelled the same thing at the tv. MY husband however chirped in...just to get me more riled up...and said "What? It's art." To which I smacked him very hard. Barbie's...pffft!

poopie said...

Babygirl is up to the third season in DVDs thanks to me and her grandma. Serious, serious addict.

Mahala said...

I hate to admit it, but I'm in awe of their perfect coiffedness. Plastic surgery still kinda wigs me out though.

Ash said...

I think stepford wives don't have any confidence in themselves and must borrow their husbands "pride" in them.
Which is Motherfucking pitiful and didn't their mother's raise them better? Fucking bottle blondes and silicone barbies. Get a damn grip.

< end tangent.

8 degrees is mighty chilllllly. I love living in Florida.

Ask me how much I loved Ling Ling the Panda bear. The answer: VERY MUCH! the year she was on loan at the bronx zoo from China I made my father take me 6 different times. I still have my stuffed mini Ling Ling panda.

< End dorkdom.