Shoplifting, Greasy Lips and Happy Guppies

Winter has finally arrived here in the holler. It snowed off and on all day yesterday, leaving a light dusting on the ground, just enough to make everything glisten. Standing in the warm kitchen, watching the snow gently fall outside the window left me with a Christmassy feeling that I've not felt in a long time.

When I got home from work Friday night I found the Amazon had gone to Big City to do some shopping. I took advantage of the quiet, put my feet up and watched mindless brain candy on the boob tube until she got back. She arrived home bearing cake, dinner from Burger King and a pair of frisky little girlie guppies. Stephano, the lonely male guppy, was going to be a very happy little camper.

I made my own trip to Big City Saturday. I can't tell ya'll how thankful I was to have a vehicle with comfortable seats, that steers so effortlessly. I have to admit, me and Jolene had to do a few creative maneuvers when it came to parking her behemoth body, but with practice I'm sure that will get easier.

I hit the mall first. I've not been in so long that the stores where I normally shop had moved to larger locations and nothing was where I remember it. I walked 586 miles and my calves are still screaming two days later. I had made the mistake of using a bit of Nair on my upper lip that morning, then applying makeup over the area. By the time I made my second lap around the mall, working myself into a flustrated tizzy, my upper lip had begun to swell and burn. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror at one of the cosmetic counters. My mouth looked like Goldie Hawn's after a collagen injection gone awry in "The First Wives Club."

I dug in my purse for my tube of Carmex, but I didn't have it with me. I'm not a small woman and it was hot as hell up in that mall. The combination of the extreme warmth and the burning sensation over my lip was causing me to perspire, adding to my embarrassment. I made a beeline for Bath and Body, thinking that would be the only place nearby that I might find some lip balm. I grabbed a tube from the shelf, saw that it was SEVEN BUCKS and decided that I'd just have to suffer until I could get to Walgreens. Luckily I found another brand by the register on sale for $3, which I grabbed. After I paid for my purchases I ran out of the store, found a place for my bags next to some plants and began to slather the balm on my searing lips.

Only it wasn't lip balm.

It was lip GLOSS.

When I finally made it back to the truck and checked myself in the mirror, I realized the error of my ways. I looked like I'd been sucking on the business end of a greased hog.

It was then I decided that I didn't care if it was December or that they were predicting snow for that evening. I turned on the air conditioner and breathed a sigh of relief, letting the soothing air ease my panic attack and cool me off.

I made a few more stops along the way. I went to Target and picked up a nice HP printer on sale for $38.88, along with some much needed shampoo for me and the Amazon and a few other things I can't mention *wink*.

I knew something was weird with the sale of the printer when I got back to the truck, but I was so frazzled and tired that I just brushed it off until I got home. I stopped at Pet-Not-So-Smart and bought a new beta and a few more neons. They had some really pretty big and flashy betas, but I bought a small purple one. Although he was smaller than the others, his colors were unique, sort of a pinkish body with bright lavender fins. His name is Gobi, a name that came to me from out of the blue, no idea why. He rode in cup holder all the way back to Frog Pond Holler, his little capped pee cup fitting perfectly.

When I got home and after putting the fishy containers in their new homes to float and equalize the temperatures for a bit, I pulled out my receipt from Target. I went over it carefully, checking off each item, when it dawned on me what the problem was.

There was no printer. I mean, I had a printer, but it wasn't on the receipt. It hadn't been rung up.

OMG I'M A THIEF!!!

It worried me all weekend. I gave in to my conscience and called them this morning. I talked to three different people, asked them if I couldn't give them my debit card information over the phone and pay for it (it's over an hour to drive back to the store,) and after much confusion and exchanging information, I was pretty much told not to worry about it. They did thank me for my honesty, repeatedly and seemed shocked that I called.

Anywho, I'd better get to work. Bossman is back today after being in sunny Southern California all last week. I should at least try to look busy :)

Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!