How Lulu Killed the Avon Lady

I've told ya'll before how Lulu is a frugal shopper. She spends the span of time between the morning and evening church services each Sunday, going through the coupon section of the Big City paper clipping coupons and going through the advertisement pages for the one grocery store in the county, planning the week's dinner menus.


Shopping is her hobby. Lulu can find a deal on anything, she recently figured out a way to get a sizable discount on a brand new SUV using her Sams card. On the opposite end of the spectrum, is Lulu's bubbahubby. If he sees something he wants, he buys it. It matters not how much it costs, if he's already got one or if he'll ever use it once he gets it home. To say that this difference in opinion regarding money matters has caused a spat or twelve in the Lulu household, would be an understatement. Lulu has tried, for the better part of twelve years, to show her bubbahubby the errors of his ways, but just when she thinks she's finally gotten through, he comes home with something he was talked in to buying.


Although her bubahubby doesn't show signs of frugality when shopping at whatever flea market or estate auction he happens upon, he does use restraint when it comes to buying for special occasions like Lulu's birthday or their anniversary. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he grew up way back on the mountain in a tiny, remote community where store bought goodies were rare and celebrations usually consisted of a gathering of family members for a special meal with a desert like cake or nanner pudding.

About a year ago, Lulu's bubbahubby... let's call him Andy... came home on her birthday carrying an Avon box. He was tickled plum to death with himself because not only had he remembered the day, he'd come home with a present. Lulu was pleasantly surprised.. until she eyed the box. Lulu isn't fond of Avon and she knew that the only Avon salesperson that Andy would have talked to was the retired school teacher, Ms. Crotchedyoldhag.

Ms. Crotchedyoldhag was older than dirt. She'd not only taught Andy in elementary school, she'd taught Lulu's mama as well. Lulu had been with Andy before when they'd run into the little old thing down at the Grab n' Go (and go and go) and witnessed first hand that her age had no effect at all on her ability to engage in high pressure sales tactics. She'd catch bubbahubbies in town without their wives and back them into a corner, flashing her darkened dentures, stained from years of drinking coffee and smoking out behind the school house. She'd remind them how she used to take a willer switch (that's willow for you city folks) to the backs of their hands when they spoke out in class (back then, it was an acceptable means of discipline,) then she'd tell them they needed to get something special for their little women back home. Oh she was good. She'd claim to remember that she'd taught little Becky Sue in the fifth grade and that she liked the color red and wouldn't this shade of lip color look right nice on her? Or that she remembered that little Amy liked kittens and she knew she'd appreciate this little lapel pin depicting a little kitty with a red bow. Poor Jethro wouldn't know what to say and end up buying it, the now middle aged Amy opening her gift on Christmas morning, smiling at Jethro while silently wondering what the hell possessed him to buy her a "Hello Kitty" pin.

Anywho, so when Lulu opened the box and saw the tacky little purple flower necklace.. with matching earrings.. something she would never wear, she fumed. She knew Ms. Crotchedyoldhag had talked Andy into buying it, he knew it wasn't her style. Now me, I would have taken it, maybe even wore it once just to keep from hurting anyone's feelings then tucked it away somewhere.

But not Lulu.

To her, this was a blatent waste of money. She knew the old school teacher had probably lied and gotten Andy to buy it on false pretences and she intended to get her money back.

It began innocently enough. Lulu called Ms. Crotchedyoldhag and explained to her that she didn't care for the items purchased by Andy and would like to return them for a refund. "Well!" Ms. Crotchedyoldhag was taken aback, "I've never heard of such a thing. I don't believe I've ever had anyone try to return anything! I'm not sure I even know how to do that."

Lulu's eyes rolled so far back in her head that she could have checked the tag on her shirt without taking it off.

"Well, I intend to get a refund so you just let me know when you find out how it's done," Lulu was taking no prisoners.

About a week went by without a word from Ms. Crotchedyoldhag. Lulu called her and again explained that she needed to return the items for a refund. The old woman would not hear of it. Things were about to get ugly when Lulu threatened to call the 1-800 number for Avon, "I intend to git some satisfaction!"

"Law have mercy... I nevah seenta beat!" (don't ask me to translate that, it's a common phrase here and I don't have a flippen clue what it means) You could almost see the poor old thing wringing her hands at the prospect of a black mark against her when she would be forced to process a return of Avon products. Lulu made it clear to her that she'd meet her down at the Grab n' Go (and go and go) the following day, during her lunch break to make the exchange.

The old woman didn't show.

Lulu called her again. Poor Ms. Crotchedyoldhag told her that she didn't drive any more and she was having a hard time finding anyone to bring her to town. She lived back up on the mountain, in that same community where Andy was reared and there was no arguing that it was a long way to town. But Lulu wasn't fooled. The Avon lady never missed lunch at the Grab n' Go. She was there every day, rain or shine. She was avoiding Lulu.

Lulu no longer cared about getting her money back. Now it was a matter of principle. She's like a pit bull when it comes to saving or wasting money. She will not let go. "I know where you live, I can just come on up there, okay?" Lulu thought it was a reasonable offer.

Ms. Crotchedyoldhag had a sudden change of heart and promised to be down at the local eatery the next day, Friday, at lunch. Lulu went down and spent her entire thirty minute break sitting in the parking lot. Still no Ms. Crotchedyoldhag.

She decided to give it a rest over the weekend. She figured she wouldn't get her money back at this point, but it was bugging the crap out of her. And poor Andy, all he did was try to buy his wife something for her birthday. I was embarrassed for all parties involved. I was like, it's Avon.. not Tiffany's.. move on.. jeeze!

Monday morning Lulu got a call from her mother. Ms. Crotchedyoldhag had died suddenly (at the age of 86) on Saturday evening. It took every ounce of self control I had to abstain from telling Lulu that she'd scared the old Avon lady to death. It's been a year since she died, but if you mention the old school teacher in Lulu's presence, she still says,"I never did get my money back."