A Cornucopia of Topics

In desperation, I give you the post about all the things I considered writing about, but decided not to.

1. I'm hot. But unless you're living in Alaska or shacking up with Santa, so are you. It's hot all over. There are only so many ways I can make reference to under boob sweat, yet still make it funny. Sure, I have other crevices, nooks and crannies filled with the fine, ladylike mist of my perspiration, but do you really want to hear about it?
2. People are nucking futs. My customer calls today included one who said he'd accidentally dialed "877" instead of "800" when calling me earlier and had gotten a sex line. He went on to suggest that he might enjoy it if I spoke to him as if he'd dialed incorrectly again. I was so not in the mood (see #1.) Another one climbed up my ass hiney sideways for losing his order. After fifteen minutes of begging his forgiveness, offering to give him my next born child and to perform assorted carnal acts, it was determined that the order he was looking for was actually placed with another company. He made no effort to apologize.
3. Bossman was in a caring and sharing kind of mood. No, seriously. He felt it necessary to discuss with me his wife's sudden, post menopausal menstrual episode. I don't want to think about my own, much less hers. The sad part? I smiled and nodded and feigned interest. I've reached a new brown nosing low.
4. Bubbles needs to be on a sedative. It's for her own good. If tomorrow is anything like today, I'm going out this weekend and buying myself a tranquillizer gun. I'll take her down, hog tie her to the top of the van and drop her off down at the Salvation Army Church.
5. Something's rotten in Mahalaland. Or rather, in the general area of the cat's litter box. No listen... it's not normal. There is a funk rising like a putrid green cloud..it's other worldly. It's the kind of funk that used to make Ma say things like "Oh my gawd.. what crawled up your ass and died?" How does such a sweet, tiny bob tailed being generate something so foul, so NASTY???

So I'll give you three guesses what I'm going to go do now. It's that or sleep in a gas mask. Anywho, since this heatwave has a death grip on the general population, I thought I'd find a clip to remind us of days gone by and of what is soon to come again. Enjoy.