Southern Fried Racism


Happy Sunday ya'll!! I was just sitting here gazing at my new hookerlicious ho-nails and realizing that there is balance in the Universe. Why do airbrushed chunks of plastic glued to my fingertips instantly make me feel like the divine goddess?

Getting my nails done causes a lot of hate and discontent at the Cubicle Asylum, a fact that I'm ashamed to admit amuses the hell out of me. You see, Bubbles and Thelma covet the french tipped pornstarrific goodness of acrylic nails, but they are denied the permission to go get their own. It took Thelma having an emotional outburst when she over heard Lulu complimenting me on my nails, which happened to be during a conversation regarding Lulu's having made her last house payment, for me to realize she had a problem with it. If Thelma had been minding her own beeswax to begin with, she wouldn't have gotten so upset. After Lulu made the nail admiring comment, Thelma came barging into my office with a disturbed look on her face, sporting a wildly pulsating crazy eye, "Well I guess if the rest of us didn't blow our money on things like getting our hair and nails done, then we could pay our houses off too!!"

Me and Lulu just kind of looked at her. You see, Thelma is in debt up to her mullet. Home mortgage refinancing is her hobby, she's on a first name basis with the credit card collector people and she and her bubbahubby trade cars with the seasons, so she was a little sensitive about Lulu, the coupon clippin' queen of Frog Pond Holler, paying off her house five years early. Thelma also spends a big chunk of her income keeping her brassy, highlighted mullet up to her high standards and keeping herself roasted to a nice crisp leather tan in the fake 'n bake coffin (tanning bed.) So you can see that appearances are important to Thelma and she would get visibly peeved every time I mentioned going to the nail salon. It's taken me a while to figure out why, the reason finally becoming apparent when she purchased her last vehicle.

It was about a year ago when Thelma drove up in her brand new Kia van. She'd been talking about it for a while, fighting the urge to trade cars again but getting upset that while she was making an effort, her bubbahubby was still going through cash like there was no tomorrow. She only kept the van for about two weeks. We could tell something was going on at home, she could go off at the drop of a hat and we'd all been walking on eggshells. She kept taking off work to take the Kia back to the shop, saying that Bubbahubby had complained that the brakes weren't working properly, then when the brakes were fixed, he said the paint didn't match and suspected it was flawed (it was a brand new vehicle with like 5 miles on it when they got it.) Me and Lulu speculated that Bubbahubby must not have liked it and that they were just trying to make excuses to make Kia take it back. That's when it dawned on me.

Thelma's bubbahubby is a flaming racist, especially towards Asians and people of Middle Eastern decent (which is just flippin' hillarious because he's Melungeon on both sides and looks like he dropped his turban on the way to town.. apparently he's in denial.) Kia is a Korean company. Most nail salons are owned and operated by Vietnamese people.

Aha. Suddenly it all was crystal clear. I'm guessing that he didn't realize the company was Korean when she first purchased the Kia, then when he found out he must have hit the roof. I also have no doubt that when and if Thelma mentioned that she'd like to get her nails done that Bubbahubby firmly put his foot down, forbidding her to enter into an establishment owned by people from Vietnam. Thelma's bubbahubby is just like my father and coincidentally from the same gene pool, dark skinned, dark haired and so ashamed to admit it that they redirect all their feelings of inadequacy into hatred of the very people they share their family tree with.

Silly racists.

Unfortunately Thelma will be on vacation this week, so I'll have to wait a week before flaunting my new glamourfied fingers around, but Louise will be there. Ya'll remember Louise, she's the one who wanted to start a local KKK chapter to run all the "queers and fags" out of town. Louise, who's married to a Puerto Rican. Yeah, I'm bettin' the KKK wouldn't have been welcoming her kids in to the fold with open arms. Oh yeah and Louise isn't allowed to get her nails all rocked out either, because Thelma has some how figured out a way to make it sinful, therefore justifying Bubbahubby's racism.

I can't make this shit up ya'll.

Ya know, I piss and moan because I don't fit in here and how bad I want to move, but maybe the Good Lord has put me here in Frog Pong Holler to shed a little much needed light upon it's less enlightened residents.

Maybe.