When Guts Attack: Part One

I haven't felt *right* for days, sucking down the store brand liquid tummy calming liquids, nibbling on antacid tablets. I knew something major was fixin' to happen. I go through this about once a year, my internal plumbing suffering from malfunction, leading to intense abdominal pain with the only relief coming from the inevitable releasing of all contents from my body.

My family doctor blames the Crohns I was diagnosed with over ten years ago, the rheumatologist questions whether I ever had Crohns and blames the FMF which the family doctor isn't convinced of. I really don't care what causes it, I just know it sucks when it happens.

I was hoping *things* would sort themselves out without too much discomfort, but I guess I was due for a nice, violent purging which began to take shape last night as the Amazon and I sat watching "Dirty Jobs" on The Discovery Channel. Watching Mike Rowe slice the head of a rotting salmon so that he could extract the ear bone or some crap, then the hiking around in cow poop probably didn't help my delicate situation.

I recognized the stabbing pain in my stomach and realized it was going to be a long night. I guess it was about 1 a.m. when the first wave hit. When it ceased, I knew it was only temporary because the pain in my gut was still there. As I staggered back down the hall to my room, bobbing and weaving like I'd been on a three day drunk, I heard the Amazon calling out, not to check if I was okay, but to make sure I was done for the night.

The next assault hit around 4 a.m. It was one of those where you're screaming to the porcelain throne one minute then shuffling to change positions so that your body can use an alternate method of removing all matter from your insides. I know that some prefer the sitting, trashcan hugging method, but I've never really mastered that.

There were a few more hurried visits to the potty palace before my alarm went off. There was no way I was going to work. Normally I'd wait for the office to open and call the boss to let him know, but since Bossman is an emotionless, soulless entity from some dark realm of existence, I opted to just leave him a message.

I'll have to pause for a commercial break, but I'll be back in a bit with the rest of the tale.

Stay tuned!