Saturday Highlights

It all began early Saturday morning as I lounged about the house in a limited state of dress. I look forward to the opportunity to romp around partially naked on weekend mornings all week. As I was sitting here, flipping channels and sipping my coffee, the dogs began barking when they heard car doors slamming. The neighbors across the road are doing some heavy duty landscaping with backhoes and other large, noisy things so I assumed that was where the sounds were coming from and made no effort to get up and find myself some less comfy clothes. As I sat on the couch in my untied robe, oblivious to the world outside of my television, I was startled back to reality when from the corner of my eye, I saw a head, covered with jet black hair bopping by the window beside me.

What the...

Apparently, my aunt had decided that this was the day she needed to come cut our grass. There are seven days in a week. I work five out of those seven. She is unemployed. It's not that I'm not thankful but good Gawd couldn't she do it another day of the week? Anyways, I jumped up and ran into the bathroom to put some clothes on, at which time she decided to come banging on the front door, sending the dogs into a tizzy and causing me to nearly topple over as I simultaneously tried to struggle into my granny panties on one foot while yelling at Sammy, who you'll remember is hopped up on steroids and feeling a little froggy, and hollerin' for my aunt to just hold on for a damned minute.

The silence was broken.

The mowing of the grass turned into an all day family event. My aunt was eventually joined by her grand-youngins, the fruits of the coochie of my trashy-lazy-eyed-big-hootered cousin. "Thar gonna come hay-elp!"

Yeah right.

Between my chemically altered dog feelin' his oats, my hillbilly aunt on her "seek and destroy all things green" mission, the coochie fruits running rampant.. in and out the door... and Ma's hand-me, bring-me, when-you-get-up-again-would-you...

You get the idea.

Oh and right in the middle of all this, as I sat glaring out the window praying they'd get finished, there was a motorcycle wreck just up the road from the house. It was bad enough that we heard on the scanner that they were sending the helicopter from the hospital in Asheville. This meant that all work in town came to a screeching halt as everyone piled in their cars and caused the traffic jam from hell so they could go watch the helicopter land down at the spa. This included, of course, my aunt and the coochie fruits, meaning it would be that much longer before they finished hacking away at my lawn and left.

I know ya'll must think I'm a horribly ungrateful, bitching and complaining while my aunt cuts our grass for no reason other than she just likes to mow. I used to have my own lawnmower and a nice big gas powered weedeater, both of which I had to scrape and save to get the money to buy. One day while I was at work, Ma gave both my shiny new lawnmower and my spiffy weedeater to my aunt. Therefore, as far as I'm concerned she can mow it from now on.

So there.

Dang, the time's gotten away from me. I'd best get back to work, so I can make some money, so I can pay the satellite bill, so I can at least watch Craig Ferguson every morning.

Ya'll be blessed :)


kenju said...

You are too funny! I am going to send a friend over here, because between the two of you - you'd make the whole world laugh.

Aarin said...

i've never heard children called 'coochie fruits' but now that i think of it some of them dont deserve the term 'children'...

AC said...

Yes, I'm still agog at "coochie fruits" too. What a picture!

I can't believe your aunt kept your lawnmower and weedeater!

Loner said...

she who posesses the weedwhacker does the mowing - seems fair to me!

Coochie fruits - like Juicy fruit only a little more country, huh.