The Cream Cheese Violation

When my lunch hour ended today and I returned to work, I brought along a whole wheat bagel smeared with cinnamon and brown sugar cream cheese. I realize that spreading the sweetened cream cheese on the whole wheat bagel probably cancelled out any added nutritional benefits I was gaining by eating whole wheat instead of white, but I didn't care. That sweetened cream cheese stuff is so good it makes my toes curl.

I laid my bagel on my desk then went over to Lulu's office, plopping down in the chair across from her. I cocked my head to the side, closed one eye and asked, "What are your thoughts on cream cheese?"

She looked at me suspiciously, she always thinks I'm up to something. "I like cream cheese," she answered.

"But (insert pause for dramatic effect)... have you tried the new cinnamon and brown sugar swirl cream cheese? It's so GOOD!"

"No, I haven't, but I've seen it and I've toyed with the idea. So it's pretty good huh?"

"Hold on.." I went back to my desk and retrieved the bagel, then returned to Lulu's office.

"Oh.. no thank you. I've got minty gum in my mouth, it won't taste right."

"Hooey!!! Spit it out.. I'll get you more gum. Just try a piece." I tore a chunk of bagel off and smeared it around in the creamy goodness, to make sure she got a good dose. She took the bagel and had a taste.

"I have to admit, this is purdy good!"

"Yeah, so it's a little fattening.. it's okay," I mentioned casually as I began to walk away.

That's when I saw that look in her eye and I realized what I had done. You see, Lulu isn't only anally frugal, she is also obsessive about calories and fat grams. "What do you mean fattening? THIS ISN'T FAT FREE? LOW FAT? REDUCED FAT? THIS IS FULLY FAT GRAM LOADED CREAM CHEESE????????"

The look on her face was more frightening than a fun house mirror. Her eyes bulged from the sockets.. glaring at me. It was amazing, almost as if you could actually SEE the internal conflict between her obsession with never letting a fat gram cross her lips and her inability to waste a bite of food. Her bottom lip quivered, beads of perspiration formed on her brow as the intensity of her dilemma quaked within her, as if she may burst at any second as she struggled.. trying to decide.. Do I eat it? Do I throw it away?

Just as I was about to leap gracefully over the cubicle wall and crawl under my desk to safety, I saw the words forming on her lips. Her voice was shrill, piercing the ears of coon hounds all over Frog Pond Holler as she said, "I have to eat this.. but I CAN'T ENJOY IT!!!!"

You would have thought that I'd tied her down and force fed her cyanide laced Boston Cream pie. It was a piece.. nay.. A SLIVER.. of whole wheat bagel with less than a teaspoon, scarcely a drizzle.. of cream cheese.

Good gawd.

I swear, if she comes to work tomorrow blaming me because she got on the scales and found that she'd gained two and a half ounces, we're having words.


(Maybe I exaggerate.. just a tad)

Ya'll be blessed.


kenju said...

I need to be more like her - but alas - I am like you, apparently.


aka_Meritt said...


Kind of reminds me of a friend I had in California. We were serving bagels with cream cheese at a meeting. Everyone got one.


And she announced "Does anyone want to split this with me? There is NO WAY I could ever eat a WHOLE bagel!"

We all looked down at our bagels... should we feel guilty? Feel like pigs?


Bagels with cream cheese are just too dang good! LOL.


I'd GAG if I had to eat sweet cream cheese. Seriously. Throw Up.

Regular, unflavored for this gal! Or at the very least, maybe the Garden Veggie variety. :)

Mahala said...

kenju: shoot.. I've given up everything else good.. may as well eat!

meritt: I actually prefer plain cream cheese, I bought this on a whim. I've not tried the veggie variety yet though, maybe that's next.